MONDO EXTRAS

Inconceivable: "Pilot"

by AB Chao November 24, 2005
Inconceivable: “Pilot” , the clinic lawyer, and her stalker. Turns out that the lawyer and stalker are a fabulously gay duo, and Amanda is carrying their baby for them. Amanda tells Stalker that he has no right going through her garbage. Stalker screeches, "Why? WHY? Because of THIS?" He turns out a bag of empty tuna cans onto the table. "Do you KNOW how much mercury there is in TUNA? Did you get that email I sent you about TOXINS?" Amanda says no, she was too busy deleting his phone message about how oral sex causes air embolisms, which her mother heard. Alfre: "You left that on her machine?" Indeed. Lawyer tells Stalker they need to talk outside, now. On his way out, Amanda stops Stalker, all, "Ooh, wait! You want to feel a kick?" Stalker eagerly says yes. Amanda kicks him herself, and adds, "Stay the hell out of my garbage." She is so great. If they had just set up this show where she could play all the roles, it might be worth watching. On second thought, no, it would still suck.

Outside, Lawyer tells Stalker that he loves him, and is so glad they're starting a family together, but he has gone completely overboard. Stalker folds his arms across his chest and acts generally gay and neurotic. "Okay, Nina needs to be informed," he pouts. Lawyer says they have to trust Ming-Na and Alfre. Stalker is like, "But they're the ones who found the lady who gave birth to the black baby!" They continue to bicker as patients walk by and stare.

In another office, the Lindstroms are there with Ming-Na, learning about Tammy and her pre-transfer escapades. Ming-Na tries to make things all better by saying she would have trusted Tammy to carry her own baby, and sometimes you just can't know how humans are going to act. Bowers totally blames Alfre Woodard for the gaffe; he says they're just so disappointed that she didn't catch it. Ming-Na gives him a look, and I'd like to give him my boot up his ass, but Bowers isn't finished. He says he hopes they can settle this out of court, and they can certainly find them another surrogate, because he only thing he's concerned about is seeing them become parents. He is so full of shit. Mr. Lindstrom says they'll have to think about it, and stands up to leave. Mrs. Lindstrom asks about the baby; Ming-Na says he's up for adoption. Mrs. Lindstrom clearly wants the baby, but her husband freaks out and starts screaming about how they'll never adopt the baby whose mother lied to them, and drags her out of the office by the arm. On his way through the reception area, he informs all the patients waiting there that the clinic doesn't give a damn about them, and they can keep their friggin' gift baskets. Everyone is mortified except Bowers, who tells the waiting room, "Sorry you had to see that, folks. Nobody said parenting was easy." And if that weren't bad enough, he gets all up in Alfre's face and tells her not to put this one on her résumé.

Bowers is in his office congratulating himself on how awesome he is when Alfre storms in. He says his door was closed for a reason, and Alfre responds in a murderous tone, "We can keep it that way." Oh, I hope she kicks his ass. She tells Bowers that she has done this for a long time, and the screening process she uses for surrogates is rigorous and thorough, but in the end, it comes down to one person making a decision about another. Bowers snots that he didn't realize it was such a gray area. Alfre tells him he knows it's all a gray area, this whole business: one person comes in and gets pregnant after their first cycle, while the next one has to have three. A person can look like a perfect ten, but they don't actually know how that person will behave after being chosen. I love Alfre Woodard, and it makes me sad that she has to be in this ridiculous show, saying these ridiculous lines, opposite this ridiculous character. Bowers says they were all hired to do specific jobs, and they both know she missed something very important. "You can rationalize it all you like, but the truth is, your mistake may cost your good friend Rachel this business." Don't you wish Alfre would chain Bowers up in the basement? And then torture him a lot? That would be fun to watch.

Meanwhile, Stalker is still at it. Amanda is swimming laps at her pre-natal pool class, and Stalker pops up out of the water to watch her. Okay, this is getting more creepy than funny. What is he afraid she's going to do, give the baby chlorine poisoning? Lap him to death?

Ming-Na walks into a conference room to find Army Man and SIL sitting there. SIL complains that she cleaned her carpet for nothing, because "the interview" is taking place at the clinic. Ming-Na is less than thrilled at this turn of events, as is SIL, who feels that she's not getting enough attention as the "Mother." She says she's the one dealing with all the needles, but the paper just wants a picture of Army Man. After SIL goes off for a blood draw, Ming-Na asks Army Man if he and his late wife ever discussed letting someone other than SIL carry their child. She's concerned that SIL might be starting to consider herself more the mother than the aunt. Army Man says that's what his wife wanted, then turns to ask Bowers what he thinks. Bowers, who just wants his pretty picture in the paper, tells Army Man he's doing the right thing.

Sad music starts to play as we move now to a scene of a nurse rocking the orphaned baby. Marissa walks in and asks if she can hold him. It would all be very touching if I didn't keep getting distracted by Marissa's hideously patterned bohemian skirt, which she's paired with a bright blue sweater shrug, also known as an abomination unto man. Marissa takes the baby and sits down to rock him. He screams at the touch of polyester against his sensitive skin.

Alfre and Ming-Na are at the bowling alley with their kids. Ming-Na asks Alfre for advice on what to tell her son about his sperm donor dad. Alfre tells her to just divulge the information that her son needs to know, and if she thinks this is bad, wait until he's ten and asks her if she's ever smoked pot. Ha! Can you see Alfre Woodard sitting around, blazing up a joint, and settling in for a night of Andy Capp's Hot Fries and the Home Shopping Network? That doesn't actually sound like such a bad idea right now. Alfre tells Ming-Na that, if this Lindstrom thing goes to court, she's going to take the blame. Ming-Na does some halfhearted arguing that she should be the one to take it, and asks if Bowers put her up to this. Alfre says he certainly didn't, and points out that Ming-Na just has a blind spot about him because he was the one who performed the miracle of her son's conception. Ming-Na does agree that he thinks his head should be on a coin, which is the understatement of the century. Alfre says Ming-Na doesn't have a choice in the matter: if she takes the blame, she'll lose everything. Ming-Na considers this as Alfre gets up to take her turn, and we get a blessedly long commercial break.

We return to Bowers looking into a microscope, probably at a slide of his own skin so he can admire how perfect he is right down to the cellular level. Ming-Na interrupts his reverie to bitch about the newspaper calling her for a quote. She tells him he can't use a war hero for his own personal damage control. Bowers is like, "I totally can, and am. Let's just call it a happy coincidence." He says he's not the first person to use distraction for personal gain: Napoleon sold Louisiana to America so nobody would notice he was invading Germany. Ming-Na: "This is your hero?" Well, if the tiny little shoe fits... The hot nurse Bowers is boinking walks in with a little gift bag and asks him to look at something she got for their "weekend away." Ming-Na glares at her and says unless there's an embryo in that bag, this is business. Nurse Hottie looks chastened, as she should, and walks out. Ming-Na turns back to the subject at hand, and tells Bowers to cancel the story. Bowers asks her if she wants the clinic to be there tomorrow, or not. Ming-Na,

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Inconceivable: "Pilot"

by AB Chao November 24, 2005
Inconceivable: “Pilot” , the clinic lawyer, and her stalker. Turns out that the lawyer and stalker are a fabulously gay duo, and Amanda is carrying their baby for them. Amanda tells Stalker that he has no right going through her garbage. Stalker screeches, "Why? WHY? Because of THIS?" He turns out a bag of empty tuna cans onto the table. "Do you KNOW how much mercury there is in TUNA? Did you get that email I sent you about TOXINS?" Amanda says no, she was too busy deleting his phone message about how oral sex causes air embolisms, which her mother heard. Alfre: "You left that on her machine?" Indeed. Lawyer tells Stalker they need to talk outside, now. On his way out, Amanda stops Stalker, all, "Ooh, wait! You want to feel a kick?" Stalker eagerly says yes. Amanda kicks him herself, and adds, "Stay the hell out of my garbage." She is so great. If they had just set up this show where she could play all the roles, it might be worth watching. On second thought, no, it would still suck.

Outside, Lawyer tells Stalker that he loves him, and is so glad they're starting a family together, but he has gone completely overboard. Stalker folds his arms across his chest and acts generally gay and neurotic. "Okay, Nina needs to be informed," he pouts. Lawyer says they have to trust Ming-Na and Alfre. Stalker is like, "But they're the ones who found the lady who gave birth to the black baby!" They continue to bicker as patients walk by and stare.

In another office, the Lindstroms are there with Ming-Na, learning about Tammy and her pre-transfer escapades. Ming-Na tries to make things all better by saying she would have trusted Tammy to carry her own baby, and sometimes you just can't know how humans are going to act. Bowers totally blames Alfre Woodard for the gaffe; he says they're just so disappointed that she didn't catch it. Ming-Na gives him a look, and I'd like to give him my boot up his ass, but Bowers isn't finished. He says he hopes they can settle this out of court, and they can certainly find them another surrogate, because he only thing he's concerned about is seeing them become parents. He is so full of shit. Mr. Lindstrom says they'll have to think about it, and stands up to leave. Mrs. Lindstrom asks about the baby; Ming-Na says he's up for adoption. Mrs. Lindstrom clearly wants the baby, but her husband freaks out and starts screaming about how they'll never adopt the baby whose mother lied to them, and drags her out of the office by the arm. On his way through the reception area, he informs all the patients waiting there that the clinic doesn't give a damn about them, and they can keep their friggin' gift baskets. Everyone is mortified except Bowers, who tells the waiting room, "Sorry you had to see that, folks. Nobody said parenting was easy." And if that weren't bad enough, he gets all up in Alfre's face and tells her not to put this one on her résumé.

Bowers is in his office congratulating himself on how awesome he is when Alfre storms in. He says his door was closed for a reason, and Alfre responds in a murderous tone, "We can keep it that way." Oh, I hope she kicks his ass. She tells Bowers that she has done this for a long time, and the screening process she uses for surrogates is rigorous and thorough, but in the end, it comes down to one person making a decision about another. Bowers snots that he didn't realize it was such a gray area. Alfre tells him he knows it's all a gray area, this whole business: one person comes in and gets pregnant after their first cycle, while the next one has to have three. A person can look like a perfect ten, but they don't actually know how that person will behave after being chosen. I love Alfre Woodard, and it makes me sad that she has to be in this ridiculous show, saying these ridiculous lines, opposite this ridiculous character. Bowers says they were all hired to do specific jobs, and they both know she missed something very important. "You can rationalize it all you like, but the truth is, your mistake may cost your good friend Rachel this business." Don't you wish Alfre would chain Bowers up in the basement? And then torture him a lot? That would be fun to watch.

Meanwhile, Stalker is still at it. Amanda is swimming laps at her pre-natal pool class, and Stalker pops up out of the water to watch her. Okay, this is getting more creepy than funny. What is he afraid she's going to do, give the baby chlorine poisoning? Lap him to death?

Ming-Na walks into a conference room to find Army Man and SIL sitting there. SIL complains that she cleaned her carpet for nothing, because "the interview" is taking place at the clinic. Ming-Na is less than thrilled at this turn of events, as is SIL, who feels that she's not getting enough attention as the "Mother." She says she's the one dealing with all the needles, but the paper just wants a picture of Army Man. After SIL goes off for a blood draw, Ming-Na asks Army Man if he and his late wife ever discussed letting someone other than SIL carry their child. She's concerned that SIL might be starting to consider herself more the mother than the aunt. Army Man says that's what his wife wanted, then turns to ask Bowers what he thinks. Bowers, who just wants his pretty picture in the paper, tells Army Man he's doing the right thing.

Sad music starts to play as we move now to a scene of a nurse rocking the orphaned baby. Marissa walks in and asks if she can hold him. It would all be very touching if I didn't keep getting distracted by Marissa's hideously patterned bohemian skirt, which she's paired with a bright blue sweater shrug, also known as an abomination unto man. Marissa takes the baby and sits down to rock him. He screams at the touch of polyester against his sensitive skin.

Alfre and Ming-Na are at the bowling alley with their kids. Ming-Na asks Alfre for advice on what to tell her son about his sperm donor dad. Alfre tells her to just divulge the information that her son needs to know, and if she thinks this is bad, wait until he's ten and asks her if she's ever smoked pot. Ha! Can you see Alfre Woodard sitting around, blazing up a joint, and settling in for a night of Andy Capp's Hot Fries and the Home Shopping Network? That doesn't actually sound like such a bad idea right now. Alfre tells Ming-Na that, if this Lindstrom thing goes to court, she's going to take the blame. Ming-Na does some halfhearted arguing that she should be the one to take it, and asks if Bowers put her up to this. Alfre says he certainly didn't, and points out that Ming-Na just has a blind spot about him because he was the one who performed the miracle of her son's conception. Ming-Na does agree that he thinks his head should be on a coin, which is the understatement of the century. Alfre says Ming-Na doesn't have a choice in the matter: if she takes the blame, she'll lose everything. Ming-Na considers this as Alfre gets up to take her turn, and we get a blessedly long commercial break.

We return to Bowers looking into a microscope, probably at a slide of his own skin so he can admire how perfect he is right down to the cellular level. Ming-Na interrupts his reverie to bitch about the newspaper calling her for a quote. She tells him he can't use a war hero for his own personal damage control. Bowers is like, "I totally can, and am. Let's just call it a happy coincidence." He says he's not the first person to use distraction for personal gain: Napoleon sold Louisiana to America so nobody would notice he was invading Germany. Ming-Na: "This is your hero?" Well, if the tiny little shoe fits... The hot nurse Bowers is boinking walks in with a little gift bag and asks him to look at something she got for their "weekend away." Ming-Na glares at her and says unless there's an embryo in that bag, this is business. Nurse Hottie looks chastened, as she should, and walks out. Ming-Na turns back to the subject at hand, and tells Bowers to cancel the story. Bowers asks her if she wants the clinic to be there tomorrow, or not. Ming-Na,

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