THE DRESS: She had her designer combine three styles from different dress designs, which sounds like it could be awful but actually it's pretty nice. There's a big old train. The embroidery had "hand-hammered silver" and "Swarovski crystals," which seems to be swanky InStyle lingo for "sequins" and "beads."
THE VIDEO OF THE CEREMONY: Nine bridesmaids, one of whom is Tori, wearing dark red gowns. Tori looks way better than she did when she was Jennie/Kelly's bridesmaid in the Season Eight finale. Then we get the first glimpse of Jennie in her full bridal ensemble. And, oh my God, her hair. It's…an…up-do…sort of…with a big ponytail on top. What the hell? And uh, I guess they've taken the pieces of hair in the ponytail, and they've like, spiked them, and so it's sort of like a pineapple…or, well, a woodpecker…okay, WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?! She combined three different dress designs and stuck crystals all over herself and hired a makeup artist and then what, she just locked herself in the bathroom with bottle of vodka and a Topsy Tail? What?! Jesus.
Jennie gets down the aisle. At the altar, Jennie and TV Movie Stud say the wrong things and they both start laughing. ("We love to laugh," she explains in the interview.) TV Movie Stud manages to get through his vows without laughing. Then the priest begins to prompt Jennie for her vows, but she starts laughing. She drops a Kleenex into her cleavage and starts laughing some more. Then she stops. Then she says, "What was that again?" and starts laughing all over again. Okay, are they stoned? I think they're stoned. Maybe in the next segment InStyle is going to tell us how we can buy a Waterford crystal bong just like the one Jennie Garth sucked on in the back room of the church.
Instead, though, Jennie manages to stop giggling and gets on with her vows. Then she starts crying uncontrollably. It's very freaky a la Drew Barrymore in Mad Love, but it's also really sweet.
THE RECEPTION: There are about 70 candles on each table and chiffon draperies everywhere. It's all supposed to look intimate and romantic, but actually it looks more like my bedroom when I was 14 and going through a Wiccan phase.
Jason Priestley and Ian Ziering and other 90210 folks are there, obviously. Tiffani-Amber Thiessen catches the bouquet. Jennie talks about how weird that was, because it was just like an episode of 90210. You can almost see her eyes glaze over with confusion. There was Donna's wedding…which was also supposed to maybe be her wedding…but Tori had a tantrum in real life and refused to let it happen on the show…but now Tori's really her real bridesmaid, which is weird because she was ALSO her bridesmaid for her non-real non-wedding to Brandon…or maybe that didn't count…or…or…oh, hell. End segment.