MONDO EXTRAS

Schlocky, Death-Knell, and Moan

by TWoP March 7, 2001

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Schlocky, Death-Knell, and Moan

by Manimal March 7, 2001
Jackie, Ethel, Joan: The Women Of Camelot, Part I Teddy's Senate Race. Guess what? He won. He gleefully sucks up the limelight. Joan feels left out. Ted makes some boring speech. A while later. It's late at night, and Ted is working late -- no, he's actually working. Joan's on the phone, saying she misses him. He hangs up brusquely. She goes over and plays some piano scales forlornly. It's boring, but it beats the Wailing Ovary of Timeless Pain, I'll tell ya. May, 1963. Jack's entertaining some group of chickies. He's being smarmy. He says that unfortunately, all the Kennedy wives are expecting and unable to meet with them. He tells them they're the best-looking group of women in the country -- I'm guessing these are beauty contestants. The chickies are billing and cooing. Jack is trying not to give them the Presidential Salute. Meanwhile, Joan is miscarrying and Ted is trying to get her to the hospital. Jackie is decorating her nursery. Jackie interrupts her decorating to watch the boob tube, where JFK is delivering his "Ich bin ein Berliner" speech. Joan mouths the same words. Remember that later, kids. It's important. Someone once told me that what JFK actually said was, "I am a doughnut," because he got the pronunciation and some of the words wrong, but I don't know if that's true. Jackie, wearing her iconic glasses and headscarf, strolls along the beach. She's hit by a contraction and collapses to her knees, gasping, "Jack!" Hey, where the hell are those Secret Service men? Later, in her hospital bed, Jack tells her that Patrick...has a few problems. He's crying. It's actually slightly moving, even, or would be if it weren't for the goddamned melodramatic crooning going on in the background. A while later, we see Joan doing her best Anne Sexton and sitting in an empty nursery. By the beach. Joan comforts Jack and tells him all things happen for a reason, and that they have the strength to face them -- especially Jack. Welcome to As the White House Turns. On the Ethel-and-Bobby homestead, the kids frolic with many, many animals. Ethel is telling Jackie that there's lots of rumors about her sister Lee and that Onassis character. Jackie says he's charismatic. Ethel says he's a crook. (Yeah, and Joe Kennedy was pure as the driven snow.) Ethel says Jackie has to care, since it's political, and her associating with Onassis might hurt Jack, and then Bobby, when he runs for office. Jackie says firmly, "This isn't about politics, it's about me." Ethel then gets self-righteous and tells her not to go. Ethel says that when she and Bobby are in the White House, not one decision will be made that would cause controversy. Jackie says, "I don't mean to be rude, Ethel. But you're not in the White House yet." Way to lay down the pimp hand, Jackie! Jackie tells Ethel that if Jack doesn't care, she shouldn't, and she's going on vacation with Onassis.

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