MONDO EXTRAS

Schlocky, Death-Knell, and Moan

by TWoP March 7, 2001

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Schlocky, Death-Knell, and Moan

by Manimal March 7, 2001
Jackie, Ethel, Joan: The Women Of Camelot, Part I Uh-oh, it's the Man of the Hour himself. Joe rises to greet Jackie in some dark-wood, smoky-atmosphere restaurant. Joe then pulls that gross "if I were only twenty years younger" bit that always makes my gorge rise. Jackie deflects it rather gracefully. Joe cuts to the chase and tells Jackie he's heard about the problems in their marriage, and that divorce is not a possibility; they have to find a way to make Jackie happy. Jackie asks if everything is political. Joe says for the Kennedys it is. Jackie says she wants freedom from the Kennedys -- she wants art, and culture, and travel, "in the appropriate style." Joe tells her she should have whatever makes her happy, as long as she stays married to Jack. Dude! It's like the Borgias all over again. May 25, 1961. Post-Sputnik. Newscast of fake JFK announcing the space program. Everyone's agog. Jackie then tells Joan that it'll be her turn, soon, after Bobby and Ethel take the White House, if Grandpa Joe has his way. Joan blushes and says she couldn't. Ethel honks, "Bet I could." Swanky party. Joan and Ted enter. Joan looks really good -- her hair's up, and she's wearing a pink off-the-shoulder gown. JFK all but smacks his lips and says, "That's Teddy's wife. We call her The Dish." Yee-uck. Note to self: never marry into a large East-coast political clan with oversexed brothers. Joan finds Ethel and Jackie and asks if the gown is too much. Ethel says it is, but what the heck, she can pull it off. Jackie tells her to always wear that color. They compliment her on her hair. Teddy says, "You should've seen her hair this morning!" They look at him, blank-faced. Jackie murmurs something polite to Joan and escapes. Ethel all but belts Teddy and asks what's the matter with him: "This is your wife!" She leads Joan away. Teddy stutters an apology, saying that it was a joke. That Teddy. What a schlemiel. Jackie confides to George, a senator, that she plans to make over the White House. George protests. Jackie says that she needs something to do, since she never sees Jack anymore. Jackie then plays the Marilyn Monroe card and blackmails George into helping her get the funding. Haw! Joan and Ted's house. Joan walks into their bedroom. She hears someone and calls, "Ted?" She pulls back the covers on the bed to reveal a gold bracelet. Joan confides that her friends told her he was cheating, but that she feels like it's her fault. She says that he can be wonderful. Jackie tells her Jack is the same way. Jackie tells her to buck up, and to get a hobby, essentially. She says the Kennedys are inveterate womanizers, and that while their behavior makes her sick, the power, family, security, and money are enough of a trade-off. Joan says it's not what she thought marriage would be. Jackie says no, but they do "give them the freedom to be ourselves." Uh, yeah, except for the whole constant-adultery-and-looking-the-other-way thing.

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