MONDO EXTRAS

To sum up...

by Manimal March 14, 2001
Jackie, Ethel, Joan: The Women Of Camelot, Part II

Shit. The Whitney Wailing has returned. Now it's humming, too.

Kennedy limo. Ted, Joan, Ethel, Jackie, and Rose all avoid eye contact. Rose blathers on about how wonderful it is to know so many people loved Bobby. Her voice is about as melodic as a rattlesnake hissing. Jackie holds her forehead and all but rolls her eyes. Ted sniffles a little. Rose snaps, "Pull yourself together. When we get on that train, conduct yourself as Bobby would've done, as if it was your last journey." Someone please stab Rose in the heart with a stake. Where the hell is Buffy when you need her? Ted just murmurs, "Yes, Ma." Jackie then gives a little speech about how the first thing she intends to do after the funeral is to get the heck out of "this country." Dear Jackie: Shut up. This is not about you. For the millionth time. With non-love, manimal.

Joe Kennedy watches the funeral procession from his room. Montage of funeral shots -- mourners, procession, casket, flag-folding, Ted accepting the flag and handing it to Ethel. Ethel kneels and kisses the casket. Montage of shots of me at home, in front of my computer, trying to hold down my rising gorge.

Reporters. Joan. They're asking if Ted will run. Joan says she wants Ted to get out of politics altogether. A reporter asks if Ted's too scared to run. Joan says he isn't scared of anything, but there have already been death threats, and besides, he has fifteen children to look after -- his, Jack's, and Bobby's. Oh, what, since they don't have mothers? A reporter asks if she isn't exaggerating, and Joan FINALLY gets one interesting scene where she tears the reporter up from north to south and tells him to drive down to Hickory Hill, take a look at Ethel and her fatherless children, and then to tell Joan she's exaggerating the dangers of being a Kennedy.

Okay. Here ensues a pointless scene where Ethel locks herself in her room, and everyone thinks she's going to commit suicide, but she really isn't. She's also suddenly REALLY pregnant, whereas she was skinny as a rail in LA. Did they wait four months to have Bobby's funeral? Or is it a lot later? There's no clue. It's basically an excuse to shoehorn a Teddy-and-Jackie scene in. She asks him to do her a favor, once he's recovered enough from being the support for the rest of the family. Dear Jackie: Did you hear about the most amazing discovery? The planets revolve around the sun, not you. Smooches, manimal.

Skorpios, Greece, 1968. Ted speaks to Ari in between shots of Jackie wandering the island. Ted tells Ari that he's basically too gross to be married to St. Widow Kennedy. He also tells Ari that, if she weds, Jackie loses her $175,000 annual income from the Kennedy trust. Holy. Moly. So Jackie asked Ted to be her pimp? DAMN! She is cold! Aristotle tells Ted that's chump change, and that he'll take care of Jackie and give her what she's worth, and all but spits in his eye.

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To sum up...

by Manimal March 14, 2001
Jackie, Ethel, Joan: The Women Of Camelot, Part II Hotel room. The priest administers last rites over Bobby. Outside, Ethel is praying. The priest comes out and tells Ethel, "I'm so sorry." Ethel stands up. The full view of her dress almost makes me go blind. Ethel is crying. She crawls into bed with Bobby, and keeps murmuring, "It's gonna be all right. We're gonna take you home, where they have the best doctors in the world, and you're gonna be alright." Ethel really needs to get out of Lake Delusion and put on some dry clothes, stat. Next scene. Ted calls Paris to tell Ethel the news. She says to her friend, "What shall I tell [the children]? They'll think their daddy is the next one to die." Hospital. Jackie is crying. Ted sits beside her. She laments the cruelty of God and basically says that he's no God of hers. I keep thinking of that Woody Allen joke, "O God, O God, what has thou done, lately?" She looks up and sees a Secret Service man -- it might be Clint Hill. She says, "I never thought I'd see you anymore. What good are you, anyway?" She runs out the door, weeping. Jackie reenters the hospital and goes into the hospital room to put her arms around Ethel. Ted's eulogy plays over them as the scene fades into Bobby's funeral. It's really a beautiful speech. I won't transcribe it. In a nice coincidence, I was watching A&E and they showed this exact speech during their Ted Kennedy segment. Wow, I can't believe NBC had the sheer gall to rip off these speeches verbatim. Goddamn. Poor Ted Kennedy. How many funeral speeches has he had to give? Shit. The Whitney Wailing has returned. Now it's humming, too. Kennedy limo. Ted, Joan, Ethel, Jackie, and Rose all avoid eye contact. Rose blathers on about how wonderful it is to know so many people loved Bobby. Her voice is about as melodic as a rattlesnake hissing. Jackie holds her forehead and all but rolls her eyes. Ted sniffles a little. Rose snaps, "Pull yourself together. When we get on that train, conduct yourself as Bobby would've done, as if it was your last journey." Someone please stab Rose in the heart with a stake. Where the hell is Buffy when you need her? Ted just murmurs, "Yes, Ma." Jackie then gives a little speech about how the first thing she intends to do after the funeral is to get the heck out of "this country." Dear Jackie: Shut up. This is not about you. For the millionth time. With non-love, manimal. Joe Kennedy watches the funeral procession from his room. Montage of funeral shots -- mourners, procession, casket, flag-folding, Ted accepting the flag and handing it to Ethel. Ethel kneels and kisses the casket. Montage of shots of me at home, in front of my computer, trying to hold down my rising gorge.

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