MONDO EXTRAS

To sum up...

by Manimal March 14, 2001
Jackie, Ethel, Joan: The Women Of Camelot, Part II

Hyannis Port 1979. Wow, that's one hell of a jump, time-wise. Ted and the kids are on the boat. Joan and Jackie are talking on the porch. Joan has a very nice shoulder-length bob. Jill Hennessy is decked out in full Jackie O drag -- enormous bouffant, white pants, fly-eyed glasses. Joan says her life is a lot easier not living with Ted, and it's Ted the kids adore, anyways, and that she can't promise to take another drink, but she'll take it one day at a time. She asks Jackie if she misses Ari. Jackie says of course, and she knew what people used to say about him and their marriage, but "no one knows what goes on between a husband and a wife -- really." Joan agrees heartily. I am heartily bored.

Joan confesses that "they" want Ted to run for president. And that "they" are having a big meeting to see if she's up to it. Jackie laughs incredulously. They both giggle.

Hyannis Port living room, or drawing room, or whatever the hell it is that rich people have. Ethel squawks that Joan is totally up for it, and that she looks wonderful and fully recovered. She says she's willing to do anything to get Joan through this. Joan quietly says, "I'm not a child, Ethel," and then stands up and pimp-slaps her so hard that Lauren Holly's baby-powder dusted wig smacks the painting of Joe Kennedy right in the keister. Okay, so maybe not that last part. Joan sits uncomfortably in the center, skewered by everyone's beady-eyed glares. Ted's gray-haired now. He looks evil and squatty and toad-like. So does Ethel. The kids sit at Joan's side and grab her hands reassuringly. Ted finally comes out of his double-chinned squattiness to glare at Joan and say that he wants nothing more than to be President. Yes, well, I'd like this miniseries to end, but it looks like neither of us is going to get our wish, are we, Teddy boy?

Ted says that people are sick of Carter, and that means him, but that he won't proceed without the full support of everyone in the room, including Joan. Joan says, "I want Ted Kennedy to be president, too. I think he'd be a great president," and that she'll do what it takes to campaign with him. Everyone shakes hands. Joan looks a little overwhelmed.

Press conference. Ted's flunky won't talk about Joan or to her, and says that she shouldn't address the reporters directly. Joan insists that she can. He says, "I don't agree," looking at Ted all the while. Joan says, "Hey, flunky? Yeah, you! You can just take those condescending pants right off and wrap them around your big, hair-sprayed head, buster, at which point I will fashion a makeshift tourniquet and pull until your eyes bulge out like overripe plums." Or something to that effect. She also says that Ted doesn't have any idea what to say about her, her alcoholism, and that he in fact knows nothing about her life at all. Wow. I am now thoroughly depressed. Can't wait to get married! She says, "When it comes to me, Ted doesn't know what the hell he's talking about." Ted winces. The flunky asks how she's going to field questions about Chappaquiddick and Ted's affairs. Joan says firmly, "Those are Ted's screw-ups. Not mine." Man! I like this Joan model -- the one with a spine. Ted winces some more.

Press conference. A reporter brings up the "why are you guys living apart and what role will Joan play in the campaign?" question. Everyone winces. Joan passes with flying colors.

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To sum up...

by Manimal March 14, 2001
Jackie, Ethel, Joan: The Women Of Camelot, Part II In the dining room, Ted is in a neck brace, talking to his team of advisors. One of the advisors comes over and tells Joan ominously, "We need to start putting this fire out, now." Joan yells that they don't even care that the girl is dead. Ted says he didn't mean for it to happen. Ted tells Joan to "pleaseā€¦just be nice and sympathetic." Then, in a truly ill-making move, Ted and his nasty band of icky advisors watch as Joan dials Mrs. Kopechne, Mary Jo's mother, and gives her condolences. Joan looks like she might be ill. Even later. Joan is watching more TV coverage of herself and Ted in front of the press. She's drinking. Alone. Let the games begin! November 1969. Hyannis Port. Ted emerges onto the porch behind Rose. Rose looks like she's trying not to cry. Ted tells her to come inside. She does. Oh -- it's Death Watch '69, this time for Joe. Various Kennedys surround the bed. Fade up on Joan playing classical piano, wearing a very nice cowl-necked black dress. In the audience, Ethel honks at Ted, "I knew she was good, but not this good." It's nice that Joan had a hobby besides running Ted's campaigns and waiting at home while he boinked his assistants. More piano playing. She stands up to take her bows. Uh-oh, I spoke too soon. Her dress is in fact, hideous -- a long black number with huge white lapels. My eyes! My eyes!! Backstage, Joan shoots back a handful of pills and a large glass of booze with suspicious smoothness. Ethel runs up and says, "Kid, you were just great." Ted says, "Well done," in the same tone he would use with a large-wattled, excitable dog who's learned a new trick. From triumph to tragedy. In the next scene, Joan crashes her enormous Impala-type car into another enormous Chevrolet. She's blitzed. Ted comes home with the news. Ethel enters. Ted asks her to talk to Joan. Ethel opens Joan's bedroom door and tells her "she can't go on like this." There's some more ABC After-School Special-type talk. Joan mumbles that she doesn't know what to do. Ethel says she'll be all right, and that they're going to get her help. Hyannis Port 1979. Wow, that's one hell of a jump, time-wise. Ted and the kids are on the boat. Joan and Jackie are talking on the porch. Joan has a very nice shoulder-length bob. Jill Hennessy is decked out in full Jackie O drag -- enormous bouffant, white pants, fly-eyed glasses. Joan says her life is a lot easier not living with Ted, and it's Ted the kids adore, anyways, and that she can't promise to take another drink, but she'll take it one day at a time. She asks Jackie if she misses Ari. Jackie says of course, and she knew what people used to say about him and their marriage, but "no one knows what goes on between a husband and a wife -- really." Joan agrees heartily. I am heartily bored.

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