MONDO EXTRAS

Bitches and Kitsches

by Pamie May 26, 2001
Lady Marmalade from the Moulin Rouge Soundtrack

Missy Elliot, the new Queen Latifah, acts as our pimp and spiritual guide through this sexcapade. "Ladies and Gentlemen!" she shouts. "Welcome to the Moulin Rouge." Moulin Rouge is the upcoming Baz Lurhmann musical starring Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor, by the way.

The red curtain opens. A staircase leads to several gaudy hearts under the illuminated words "Moulin Rouge." The curtain squeaks as the screen announces that "Lady Marmalade" is to be performed by Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, Mya, and Pink. We imagine there was hella hair-pulling before the order was decided "alphabetical."

Lil' Kim is draped across a chaise longue. As she snaps she starts to rap, "Hey, sisters. Soul sisters. Let me see that flow, sisters." Lil' Kim's lipstick is like an oil spill.

Christina Aguilera is trying to hide her face from the camera, but her skank goes on. She's got some chunky nose piercing that looks like a piece of popcorn stuck to her face. Her lips are lined darker than her lipstick (a look that screams, "Blowjobs. Apply Here."). Her eyelashes are covered in glitter. Hot pink eye shadow. Some dark pubic hair-looking things are poking out from under the crimped bleached-blonde hair on her head. It's scary.

In the dark, Mya sings with a feather in her hair. [Insert your own "Macaroni" joke here because we can't think of a good one.]

Pink looks behind her so all we see is pink hair and obnoxious cleavage.

The shot pulls back slightly on Christina so we can now see that the pubic hair is actually a hairnet bandana around her forehead. Isn't that classier? Almost as classy as the fingerless purple satin gloves she's sporting.

The song is about to kick in and Mya is still in the dark. We see the stage lights get brighter around her as Lil' Kim begins to moan. Mya stands up slowly until the camera is only on her ass. Mya juts it forward to the sound of a guitar and walks away from us.

Mya has the first verse, and is now strutting towards us singing. We're assuming everyone already knows "Lady Marmalade," so we don't have to explain the lyrics. Mya is ready for "The Cell Block Tango" number in Chicago. She's got on red hot pants over black tights. Her black shirt is mostly see-through. Feathers. Some sort of chain is wrapped around her hand and she flings it as she walks. You only notice the swing of the cooch, though, so describing her outfit seems retarded. Mya turns around and squats so the screen fills with satin ass. Satin Ass is also the name of our thirty-fifth album.

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Bitches and Kitsches

by Pamie May 26, 2001
Lady Marmalade from the Moulin Rouge Soundtrack Missy Elliot, the new Queen Latifah, acts as our pimp and spiritual guide through this sexcapade. "Ladies and Gentlemen!" she shouts. "Welcome to the Moulin Rouge." Moulin Rouge is the upcoming Baz Lurhmann musical starring Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor, by the way. The red curtain opens. A staircase leads to several gaudy hearts under the illuminated words "Moulin Rouge." The curtain squeaks as the screen announces that "Lady Marmalade" is to be performed by Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, Mya, and Pink. We imagine there was hella hair-pulling before the order was decided "alphabetical." Lil' Kim is draped across a chaise longue. As she snaps she starts to rap, "Hey, sisters. Soul sisters. Let me see that flow, sisters." Lil' Kim's lipstick is like an oil spill. Christina Aguilera is trying to hide her face from the camera, but her skank goes on. She's got some chunky nose piercing that looks like a piece of popcorn stuck to her face. Her lips are lined darker than her lipstick (a look that screams, "Blowjobs. Apply Here."). Her eyelashes are covered in glitter. Hot pink eye shadow. Some dark pubic hair-looking things are poking out from under the crimped bleached-blonde hair on her head. It's scary. In the dark, Mya sings with a feather in her hair. [Insert your own "Macaroni" joke here because we can't think of a good one.] Pink looks behind her so all we see is pink hair and obnoxious cleavage. The shot pulls back slightly on Christina so we can now see that the pubic hair is actually a hairnet bandana around her forehead. Isn't that classier? Almost as classy as the fingerless purple satin gloves she's sporting. The song is about to kick in and Mya is still in the dark. We see the stage lights get brighter around her as Lil' Kim begins to moan. Mya stands up slowly until the camera is only on her ass. Mya juts it forward to the sound of a guitar and walks away from us. Mya has the first verse, and is now strutting towards us singing. We're assuming everyone already knows "Lady Marmalade," so we don't have to explain the lyrics. Mya is ready for "The Cell Block Tango" number in Chicago. She's got on red hot pants over black tights. Her black shirt is mostly see-through. Feathers. Some sort of chain is wrapped around her hand and she flings it as she walks. You only notice the swing of the cooch, though, so describing her outfit seems retarded. Mya turns around and squats so the screen fills with satin ass. Satin Ass is also the name of our thirty-fifth album.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7Next

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Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

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