MONDO EXTRAS

Like Scary, Like Bored

by Stee May 23, 2001
Like Mother, Like Son: The Strange Story of Sante and Kenny Kimes

We have gathered here together to witness the end point in the transformation of one of the most loved women in television, Mary Tyler Moore, into one of the scariest things ever to discolor the pixels on your old Zenith nineteen-inch. The based-on-a-true-story telefilm about a mother/son killing team also stars Gabriel Olds, the girl-pretty scamp from the film Calendar Girl and most recently, the WB's West Wing-in-diapers, D.C., looking like someone just killed his puppy. (Plus Robert Forster because Tom Skerritt wasn't available and Jean Stapleton, who, yeah, no kidding, is still alive.) Let's begin.

We open in a New York City courtroom, where a judge tells Gabe and MTM that they killed an old woman in order to gain ownership of her building and are basically very very bad people. The close-up on MTM's surgically disfigured nose scares my cat out of the room.

"Two years earlier." MTM and Gabe sit in Central Park checking out Jean Stapleton, who is walking a dog. MTM tells Gabe to go charm the pants off her. Please don't.

Gabe shows up at some door and a tiny little Latino butler lets him in. A boxer growls at Gabe, and the camera all zooms in on Gabe and he lies, telling the doddering Edith Bunker that they have a mutual friend. The boxer senses evil and continues to growl at Gabe. Gabe sight-unseen takes a room in her upscale boarding house (or whatever), paying the $6000/month rent in cash. Stapleton asks Gabe for his social security number, but he pretends not to remember it and says he'll get it to her later. Ironically enough, Jean Stapleton can't remember what she's supposed to be talking about in this scene, so it's all even. Stapleton shows Gabe around, and he pretends to be interested in a photo of Stapleton as a ballerina. He condescendingly tells her never to turn down a compliment. She doesn't bitchslap him for impertinence, but rather says, "I'll have to watch you." She's right! D'oh!

Meanwhile, MTM sits in the park and tries to hit on some man. Her chicken legs, fake chin, and broken nose scare the man away. She leans back and says, "There was a time I would have had you eating out of my hands. Oh, why did you have to go and get old!" Now say that in the fakest, most overwrought way you can. That's exactly what MTM sounds like.

Flashback time! Now Gabe is a little kid, and MTM is watching the head of construction at a work site, telling L'il Gabe that the man is going to be her new daddy. MTM is supposed to be twenty years younger here, but the clown makeup they put on makes her look like a drag queen playing the corpse of Phyllis Diller. It's Robert Forster as the man, by the way. MTM makes Gabe sleep in the car while she goes into the construction trailer and pretends to be a reporter; she seduces Forster. So far it's a toss-up to see who seems more miserable in this movie, Forster or Gabe. MTM chews the scenery all around Forster like a termite while she informs us that he's a tycoon and owns a bunch of real estate. Forster, wondering when the hell Tarantino is doing his next film, stares at MTM's ample cleavage and tries not to laugh.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9Next

Comments

Like Scary, Like Bored

by Stee May 23, 2001
Like Mother, Like Son: The Strange Story of Sante and Kenny Kimes We have gathered here together to witness the end point in the transformation of one of the most loved women in television, Mary Tyler Moore, into one of the scariest things ever to discolor the pixels on your old Zenith nineteen-inch. The based-on-a-true-story telefilm about a mother/son killing team also stars Gabriel Olds, the girl-pretty scamp from the film Calendar Girl and most recently, the WB's West Wing-in-diapers, D.C., looking like someone just killed his puppy. (Plus Robert Forster because Tom Skerritt wasn't available and Jean Stapleton, who, yeah, no kidding, is still alive.) Let's begin. We open in a New York City courtroom, where a judge tells Gabe and MTM that they killed an old woman in order to gain ownership of her building and are basically very very bad people. The close-up on MTM's surgically disfigured nose scares my cat out of the room. "Two years earlier." MTM and Gabe sit in Central Park checking out Jean Stapleton, who is walking a dog. MTM tells Gabe to go charm the pants off her. Please don't. Gabe shows up at some door and a tiny little Latino butler lets him in. A boxer growls at Gabe, and the camera all zooms in on Gabe and he lies, telling the doddering Edith Bunker that they have a mutual friend. The boxer senses evil and continues to growl at Gabe. Gabe sight-unseen takes a room in her upscale boarding house (or whatever), paying the $6000/month rent in cash. Stapleton asks Gabe for his social security number, but he pretends not to remember it and says he'll get it to her later. Ironically enough, Jean Stapleton can't remember what she's supposed to be talking about in this scene, so it's all even. Stapleton shows Gabe around, and he pretends to be interested in a photo of Stapleton as a ballerina. He condescendingly tells her never to turn down a compliment. She doesn't bitchslap him for impertinence, but rather says, "I'll have to watch you." She's right! D'oh! Meanwhile, MTM sits in the park and tries to hit on some man. Her chicken legs, fake chin, and broken nose scare the man away. She leans back and says, "There was a time I would have had you eating out of my hands. Oh, why did you have to go and get old!" Now say that in the fakest, most overwrought way you can. That's exactly what MTM sounds like. Flashback time! Now Gabe is a little kid, and MTM is watching the head of construction at a work site, telling L'il Gabe that the man is going to be her new daddy. MTM is supposed to be twenty years younger here, but the clown makeup they put on makes her look like a drag queen playing the corpse of Phyllis Diller. It's Robert Forster as the man, by the way. MTM makes Gabe sleep in the car while she goes into the construction trailer and pretends to be a reporter; she seduces Forster. So far it's a toss-up to see who seems more miserable in this movie, Forster or Gabe. MTM chews the scenery all around Forster like a termite while she informs us that he's a tycoon and owns a bunch of real estate. Forster, wondering when the hell Tarantino is doing his next film, stares at MTM's ample cleavage and tries not to laugh.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9Next

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP