MONDO EXTRAS

Little House On The Prairie: Whisper Country

Some time later, Mary and Katie are strolling past a burned-out barn, and Mary asks what happened to it. Excuse me -- she asks, land sakes, what happened to it. Katie reports that the owner pissed off Miss Peel, so Miss Peel burned down the barn. What's great is that if this were me, I would assume that Katie meant Miss Peel walked over with matches and gasoline and burned the sucker to the ground like Jud Fry in Oklahoma!, but Mary catches Katie's groove that Miss Peel did it using pyrokinesis. Mary is disbelieving, but Katie is insistent. "Miss Peel, she can do anything!" Katie says. You'd think Miss Peel would have kept herself from getting Shar Pei face, were that the case.

Now we are at school, and a perhaps teenage kid is bounding toward the school. Barefoot, of course, because shoes are for sin. Inside school, Mary gives a girl named Hazel an apple and instructs her that she has one apple. And then she gives her another apple. Hazel discerns that she now has two. This is making it appear that Mary will not be able to accomplish all that much during a short tenure. Mary strolls over and asks one of the boys to add two and two, based on the fact that she has two apples in her hands and two on her desk. The boy she's talking to doesn't answer. But another one does. Over her shoulder, a voice says, "Three." Mary turns. The kid, who introduces himself as Joshua Bond, is holding one of Mary's math apples and chewing. He informs her that his father sent him to school, having heard that Mary was "handing out learnin'." Mary smiles warmly at him and says she'll give him a question. "You have two apples. A friend gives you two more. How many apples do you have?" Joshua grins. "Told ya. Three. I et one." And then he produces one from behind his back and takes a bite. Now, you might assume that this would not be news to Mary, since he was clearly chewing already, but Mary tangles her anachronistic girdle over this something fierce, because... well, it's not clear, but for plot reasons, she needs to get angry at this kid, so get angry she does.

Instead of telling the children that Joshua has just explained addition and subtraction and is apparently the only person in the room capable of understanding numbers as an abstract, Mary walks over, stares coldly at him, and says, "Go home!" Joshua looks confused: "My pa said--" Mary cuts him off. She yells: "I don't care what your pa said! I said go home! And stay home until you can behave properly and politely in this classroom!" Nothing enhances your ability to control a classroom quite like losing your shit. Joshua starts to defend himself, so Mary goes on: "Look! We're not here so you can come in late and make silly jokes! I'm here to teach, and these children are here to learn!" As if. "You come back when you're ready to learn and not before!" You have to understand, she shouts all this at him like she's really, really angry, despite the fact that apparently, the entire debate here is over the words "I et one." Mary would be eaten alive by any actual school full of actual children if she's this easily shattered. She stomps over to the door, and she hollers at him some more: "And be here when the bell rings, or don't come at all!" Truancy is better than lateness! This is what you get for handing out teaching certificates to ninth-graders, I suppose. Joshua, totally confused at Mary's explosive spazzing, stammers something, but Mary tells him to have his father come speak to her. "GO ON NOW, GET!" she yells. Let's recap the entirety of his bad behavior: "I et one." There you go. Joshua leaves. Mary slams the door behind him and starts angrily asking apple questions again. I'm sure seeing her go freaky on the first kid who steps out of line is going to help bring the kids out of their shells. Nothing works miracles on dirty children's damaged psyches like an explosive temper. That's why they invented berating therapy.

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Little House On The Prairie: Whisper Country

Some time later, Mary and Katie are strolling past a burned-out barn, and Mary asks what happened to it. Excuse me -- she asks, land sakes, what happened to it. Katie reports that the owner pissed off Miss Peel, so Miss Peel burned down the barn. What's great is that if this were me, I would assume that Katie meant Miss Peel walked over with matches and gasoline and burned the sucker to the ground like Jud Fry in Oklahoma!, but Mary catches Katie's groove that Miss Peel did it using pyrokinesis. Mary is disbelieving, but Katie is insistent. "Miss Peel, she can do anything!" Katie says. You'd think Miss Peel would have kept herself from getting Shar Pei face, were that the case.

Now we are at school, and a perhaps teenage kid is bounding toward the school. Barefoot, of course, because shoes are for sin. Inside school, Mary gives a girl named Hazel an apple and instructs her that she has one apple. And then she gives her another apple. Hazel discerns that she now has two. This is making it appear that Mary will not be able to accomplish all that much during a short tenure. Mary strolls over and asks one of the boys to add two and two, based on the fact that she has two apples in her hands and two on her desk. The boy she's talking to doesn't answer. But another one does. Over her shoulder, a voice says, "Three." Mary turns. The kid, who introduces himself as Joshua Bond, is holding one of Mary's math apples and chewing. He informs her that his father sent him to school, having heard that Mary was "handing out learnin'." Mary smiles warmly at him and says she'll give him a question. "You have two apples. A friend gives you two more. How many apples do you have?" Joshua grins. "Told ya. Three. I et one." And then he produces one from behind his back and takes a bite. Now, you might assume that this would not be news to Mary, since he was clearly chewing already, but Mary tangles her anachronistic girdle over this something fierce, because... well, it's not clear, but for plot reasons, she needs to get angry at this kid, so get angry she does.

Instead of telling the children that Joshua has just explained addition and subtraction and is apparently the only person in the room capable of understanding numbers as an abstract, Mary walks over, stares coldly at him, and says, "Go home!" Joshua looks confused: "My pa said--" Mary cuts him off. She yells: "I don't care what your pa said! I said go home! And stay home until you can behave properly and politely in this classroom!" Nothing enhances your ability to control a classroom quite like losing your shit. Joshua starts to defend himself, so Mary goes on: "Look! We're not here so you can come in late and make silly jokes! I'm here to teach, and these children are here to learn!" As if. "You come back when you're ready to learn and not before!" You have to understand, she shouts all this at him like she's really, really angry, despite the fact that apparently, the entire debate here is over the words "I et one." Mary would be eaten alive by any actual school full of actual children if she's this easily shattered. She stomps over to the door, and she hollers at him some more: "And be here when the bell rings, or don't come at all!" Truancy is better than lateness! This is what you get for handing out teaching certificates to ninth-graders, I suppose. Joshua, totally confused at Mary's explosive spazzing, stammers something, but Mary tells him to have his father come speak to her. "GO ON NOW, GET!" she yells. Let's recap the entirety of his bad behavior: "I et one." There you go. Joshua leaves. Mary slams the door behind him and starts angrily asking apple questions again. I'm sure seeing her go freaky on the first kid who steps out of line is going to help bring the kids out of their shells. Nothing works miracles on dirty children's damaged psyches like an explosive temper. That's why they invented berating therapy.

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