MONDO EXTRAS

Little House On The Prairie: Whisper Country

School. Mary is washing the chalkboards when Joshua comes in and says he could have done it for her. She says she doesn't mind. He offers to empty the bucket for her, and she says that would be okay. This is the kind of banter that got people married once upon a time. They sure did have some great repartee in the olden days. Mary's about done, so he collects the bucket, and as they walk out together, he tells her he's been having trouble with sixes and nines. Yeah, I'll bet. He wants help, but she blows him off until tomorrow. Just outside the door, though, he dumps out the bucket and then trails after her, saying he wants help with nine times six. He tells her he can't do it in his head, and he doesn't have a slate or a slate pencil. Now, if he wanted to figure 39 times 6, I would understand this conversation, but how do you work out nine times six on paper? Rows of dots? Mary insists that he doesn't need fancy tools like pencils. Pencils are for the nascent Ivy League. They happen to run across a patch of soft, pliable dirt, and Mary says that's all he needs. Dirt and a sharp stick. There's that Ingalls aesthetic I love. "You can sure think circles around me," he says. He asks to tell her what it is he's trying to figure. She says he'll need to hurry. In the dirt, he draws something or other, but she tells him he has the numbers in the answer backwards. So... he wrote down "45"? This entire thing makes no mathematical sense. As she stoops beside him to scratch in the dirt, he stares longingly at her, and you can tell we're having a What A Pity I Dropped My Keys So We're Down Here On The Floor Together moment. Indeed, before she knows it, Joshua reaches out and -- land sakes! -- tells her she's pretty and touches her on the back. She gets the mood, says that's it for the lesson, and stands up. He stands, too, and says he's a "fast learner." He touches her back again, so she slaps him across the face. You'd think there might have been something she could do in response to being touched on the back by a guy who's pretty much her own age and is acting really not that unreasonably by making an incredibly tame pass at her involving calling her pretty and touching her back. Nevertheless, Mary hauls off and smacks him, and of course -- of course -- Miss Peel is riding by at this very moment.

"Joshua!" she calls out. And then she says, "You devil's disciple! I never thought I'd see this day!" What day is that? The day a horny teenager comes on to a young teacher? My stars! But anyway. Take it away, Death Bonnet! "When your pa hears, he'll whip your soul clean!" Wow. I didn't even know souls could be cleansed via physical violence, but that actually explains a lot about how the world works. Miss Peel yells at Joshua to go home, and he runs off in terror, leaving Mary and Miss Peel to stare at each other. And then Miss Peel busts out this instant classic: "Jezebel! Flauntin' your flesh in temptation's raiment!" I want to assure you that they are completely serious about this, and it was on the air in the late 1970s. As recently as the late 1970s, this was a serious, emotionally heavy episode of television, and it includes the non-ironic line, "flaunting your flesh in temptation's raiment." Not only that -- the speech goes on. Miss Peel actually physically shakes her fist and says, "You will burn! OH! You will buuuuurn!" And she shakes her fist again. Her exact manner is a little hard to pin down, but she's kind of a cross between Anita Bryant and Yosemite Sam. And then music says, "Buuuuuuuuuuuuhhhh!", as Miss Peel gallops away in the mighty wagon of ignorance.

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Little House On The Prairie: Whisper Country

School. Mary is washing the chalkboards when Joshua comes in and says he could have done it for her. She says she doesn't mind. He offers to empty the bucket for her, and she says that would be okay. This is the kind of banter that got people married once upon a time. They sure did have some great repartee in the olden days. Mary's about done, so he collects the bucket, and as they walk out together, he tells her he's been having trouble with sixes and nines. Yeah, I'll bet. He wants help, but she blows him off until tomorrow. Just outside the door, though, he dumps out the bucket and then trails after her, saying he wants help with nine times six. He tells her he can't do it in his head, and he doesn't have a slate or a slate pencil. Now, if he wanted to figure 39 times 6, I would understand this conversation, but how do you work out nine times six on paper? Rows of dots? Mary insists that he doesn't need fancy tools like pencils. Pencils are for the nascent Ivy League. They happen to run across a patch of soft, pliable dirt, and Mary says that's all he needs. Dirt and a sharp stick. There's that Ingalls aesthetic I love. "You can sure think circles around me," he says. He asks to tell her what it is he's trying to figure. She says he'll need to hurry. In the dirt, he draws something or other, but she tells him he has the numbers in the answer backwards. So... he wrote down "45"? This entire thing makes no mathematical sense. As she stoops beside him to scratch in the dirt, he stares longingly at her, and you can tell we're having a What A Pity I Dropped My Keys So We're Down Here On The Floor Together moment. Indeed, before she knows it, Joshua reaches out and -- land sakes! -- tells her she's pretty and touches her on the back. She gets the mood, says that's it for the lesson, and stands up. He stands, too, and says he's a "fast learner." He touches her back again, so she slaps him across the face. You'd think there might have been something she could do in response to being touched on the back by a guy who's pretty much her own age and is acting really not that unreasonably by making an incredibly tame pass at her involving calling her pretty and touching her back. Nevertheless, Mary hauls off and smacks him, and of course -- of course -- Miss Peel is riding by at this very moment.

"Joshua!" she calls out. And then she says, "You devil's disciple! I never thought I'd see this day!" What day is that? The day a horny teenager comes on to a young teacher? My stars! But anyway. Take it away, Death Bonnet! "When your pa hears, he'll whip your soul clean!" Wow. I didn't even know souls could be cleansed via physical violence, but that actually explains a lot about how the world works. Miss Peel yells at Joshua to go home, and he runs off in terror, leaving Mary and Miss Peel to stare at each other. And then Miss Peel busts out this instant classic: "Jezebel! Flauntin' your flesh in temptation's raiment!" I want to assure you that they are completely serious about this, and it was on the air in the late 1970s. As recently as the late 1970s, this was a serious, emotionally heavy episode of television, and it includes the non-ironic line, "flaunting your flesh in temptation's raiment." Not only that -- the speech goes on. Miss Peel actually physically shakes her fist and says, "You will burn! OH! You will buuuuurn!" And she shakes her fist again. Her exact manner is a little hard to pin down, but she's kind of a cross between Anita Bryant and Yosemite Sam. And then music says, "Buuuuuuuuuuuuhhhh!", as Miss Peel gallops away in the mighty wagon of ignorance.

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