MONDO EXTRAS

Spectators line the sidewalks! Limos! Rapid-fire-edits of celebrities showing up! Rosie! Mya! Joan Collins! Someone! Someone else! It's important to stick shots of Fabulous People Nobody Recognizes into sequences like this, because if you show more than twenty-seven celebrities per second, it can cause seizures. Really. So, anyway: Anthony Hopkins! Donald Trump! Whoever! Here's the Gushing Female Voice-Over! (They always have those for celebrity weddings, you know.)

"They rolled out the barricades! Alerted every media outlet on the planet! And invited eleven hundred of their closest friends! No wonder it was the celebrity wedding of the millennium!" Whoa, Gushy Lady, that is quite a claim, considering it's only 2002. ["God, yes; please don't issue a challenge that's likely to suck the corpse of Liberace out of his grave just to one-up them." -- Wing Chun] Don't you want to at least wait until 2348, when Cryogenically Re-Animated Liza Minnelli marries Cyborg Emperor Vokronos6-Q in a holographic dress? Jeez.

Gushy continues: "The world saw only snippets of the blessed event." And only snippets of Michael Jackson's original face, too. "Now, witness the exclusive footage of that didn't make it to the press..." Apparently it inclues David Gest sort of, um, chewing on Liza. Then he does it again. And again. "...kiss" -- chomp! -- "by glorious kiss!" Oh, sweet Lord. Monica, the Pop Singer Who Is Not Brandy, says. "It felt like a fairy tale." Yeah, the kind that has an attacking wolf in it. And, like all fairy tales, surreal and full of queens.

Yet another celebrity montage: David Hasselhoff! Ving Rhames! Star Jones! David Hasselhoff again!

"It was 10 AM in New York City, March 16th, 2002. T-minus six hours to one of the biggest, BOLDEST displays of celebrity star power, EVER!" Okay, considering how early it is in the chronology and the whole damn show, I think Gushy Lady needs to have her hyperbole recalibrated down to about, oh, a Level 2 Alert and Intrigued instead of the Level 8 Impending Orgasm that she's at now. There's footage of workers outside the church setting up VIP tents and unloading truckloads of flowers. People are already lining up in the streets. "I'm waiting to see the celebrities," says a male onlooker, and by that he means, "I'm not one of those sad Liza freaks, you know."

And oh! Someone said "celebrities"! So here's some! Anthony Hopkins! Ving Rhames! We showed them before! But still!

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Spectators line the sidewalks! Limos! Rapid-fire-edits of celebrities showing up! Rosie! Mya! Joan Collins! Someone! Someone else! It's important to stick shots of Fabulous People Nobody Recognizes into sequences like this, because if you show more than twenty-seven celebrities per second, it can cause seizures. Really. So, anyway: Anthony Hopkins! Donald Trump! Whoever! Here's the Gushing Female Voice-Over! (They always have those for celebrity weddings, you know.) "They rolled out the barricades! Alerted every media outlet on the planet! And invited eleven hundred of their closest friends! No wonder it was the celebrity wedding of the millennium!" Whoa, Gushy Lady, that is quite a claim, considering it's only 2002. ["God, yes; please don't issue a challenge that's likely to suck the corpse of Liberace out of his grave just to one-up them." -- Wing Chun] Don't you want to at least wait until 2348, when Cryogenically Re-Animated Liza Minnelli marries Cyborg Emperor Vokronos6-Q in a holographic dress? Jeez. Gushy continues: "The world saw only snippets of the blessed event." And only snippets of Michael Jackson's original face, too. "Now, witness the exclusive footage of that didn't make it to the press..." Apparently it inclues David Gest sort of, um, chewing on Liza. Then he does it again. And again. "...kiss" -- chomp! -- "by glorious kiss!" Oh, sweet Lord. Monica, the Pop Singer Who Is Not Brandy, says. "It felt like a fairy tale." Yeah, the kind that has an attacking wolf in it. And, like all fairy tales, surreal and full of queens. Yet another celebrity montage: David Hasselhoff! Ving Rhames! Star Jones! David Hasselhoff again! "It was 10 AM in New York City, March 16th, 2002. T-minus six hours to one of the biggest, BOLDEST displays of celebrity star power, EVER!" Okay, considering how early it is in the chronology and the whole damn show, I think Gushy Lady needs to have her hyperbole recalibrated down to about, oh, a Level 2 Alert and Intrigued instead of the Level 8 Impending Orgasm that she's at now. There's footage of workers outside the church setting up VIP tents and unloading truckloads of flowers. People are already lining up in the streets. "I'm waiting to see the celebrities," says a male onlooker, and by that he means, "I'm not one of those sad Liza freaks, you know." And oh! Someone said "celebrities"! So here's some! Anthony Hopkins! Ving Rhames! We showed them before! But still!

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