MONDO EXTRAS

Here Tongues the Bride!

by Wendola October 23, 2002
Liza and David's Wedding

Liza and David had thirteen attendants each. Thirteen! "'Cause thirteen's my lucky number!" says Liza. Oh, that explains everything. And where'd she learn about good luck from -- like, her mom? There's a photo of the female attendants, all lined up in their tacky evening gowns: thirteen ways of looking at a black dress. All are wrong. There were two Maids of Honor: the first is Marisa What's-Her-Face, who was in Cabaret with Liza or something; the second -- as Gushy Lady busts in to inform us because she just can't contain herself any longer -- is "THE LEGENDARY ELIZABETH TAYLOR!" She had to be there, Liza informs us. There's Liz, who has gotten her nutty head all tangled up in some kind of black-veil hat thing. "Poor Liz -- always the bridesmaid, never the bride," says Gushy Lady. Gushy Lady made a joke, I think. Except it sounds equally as likely that she's just really stupid.

Gushy Lady gushes on: "David, no stranger to show business himself, picked two pretty high-profile Best Men!" Who are: Michael and Tito Jackson. Well, Tito's not high-profile; as for Michael, don't you need, you know, cartilage to have a profile? Anyway. We see a photo of the two Jacksons together. Oh, you can tell they are brothers: they both have heads and torsos and everything. Wow, and arms run in the family, too. You know, I'm really happy to see Tito, though. Tito! How you doing? Tito! Tito on my TiVo! I never thought that would happen! David explains that he and the Jacksons are childhood friends."We played sports together," he says. You know, in order for me to even make a joke about that I have to actually envision it. And I can't. Sorry. Can't. ["Don't be so narrow-minded. Ballroom Dancing is a sport." -- Wing Chun]

The story is that a lot of the guests showed up after the 4:00 PM "call time." Because they're celebrities! Not assholes! Footage of the cheering crowd on the street as a limo pulls up. In an interview, the security guy describes, in suspenseful detail, the arrival of the limo carrying the Best Man and Maid of Honor: "The door opens. Diana Ross gets out. Michael gets out. And Liz gets out." Oh man. Three kookoopants celebrities getting out of one limo is the equivalent of thirty clowns getting out of a tiny car. It's just that scary. Liz is under her hat with the black mesh veil thinking, "Oh! Everyone is wearing mesh, too! All over!" Columnist/Bridesmaid Cindy Adams says that Liz had to be sort of carried in, sort of sedan-chair style. "She'd forgotten her shoes," says Cindy. Celebrity Shoe Reconnaissance is dispatched and the wedding is delayed even longer. Oh, that dotty Liz! Like maybe she'd gone and slipped Oscar-winner envelopes on her feet instead.

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Here Tongues the Bride!

by Wendola October 23, 2002
Liza and David’s Wedding Liza and David had thirteen attendants each. Thirteen! "'Cause thirteen's my lucky number!" says Liza. Oh, that explains everything. And where'd she learn about good luck from -- like, her mom? There's a photo of the female attendants, all lined up in their tacky evening gowns: thirteen ways of looking at a black dress. All are wrong. There were two Maids of Honor: the first is Marisa What's-Her-Face, who was in Cabaret with Liza or something; the second -- as Gushy Lady busts in to inform us because she just can't contain herself any longer -- is "THE LEGENDARY ELIZABETH TAYLOR!" She had to be there, Liza informs us. There's Liz, who has gotten her nutty head all tangled up in some kind of black-veil hat thing. "Poor Liz -- always the bridesmaid, never the bride," says Gushy Lady. Gushy Lady made a joke, I think. Except it sounds equally as likely that she's just really stupid. Gushy Lady gushes on: "David, no stranger to show business himself, picked two pretty high-profile Best Men!" Who are: Michael and Tito Jackson. Well, Tito's not high-profile; as for Michael, don't you need, you know, cartilage to have a profile? Anyway. We see a photo of the two Jacksons together. Oh, you can tell they are brothers: they both have heads and torsos and everything. Wow, and arms run in the family, too. You know, I'm really happy to see Tito, though. Tito! How you doing? Tito! Tito on my TiVo! I never thought that would happen! David explains that he and the Jacksons are childhood friends."We played sports together," he says. You know, in order for me to even make a joke about that I have to actually envision it. And I can't. Sorry. Can't. ["Don't be so narrow-minded. Ballroom Dancing is a sport." -- Wing Chun] The story is that a lot of the guests showed up after the 4:00 PM "call time." Because they're celebrities! Not assholes! Footage of the cheering crowd on the street as a limo pulls up. In an interview, the security guy describes, in suspenseful detail, the arrival of the limo carrying the Best Man and Maid of Honor: "The door opens. Diana Ross gets out. Michael gets out. And Liz gets out." Oh man. Three kookoopants celebrities getting out of one limo is the equivalent of thirty clowns getting out of a tiny car. It's just that scary. Liz is under her hat with the black mesh veil thinking, "Oh! Everyone is wearing mesh, too! All over!" Columnist/Bridesmaid Cindy Adams says that Liz had to be sort of carried in, sort of sedan-chair style. "She'd forgotten her shoes," says Cindy. Celebrity Shoe Reconnaissance is dispatched and the wedding is delayed even longer. Oh, that dotty Liz! Like maybe she'd gone and slipped Oscar-winner envelopes on her feet instead.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8Next

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