MONDO EXTRAS

Here Tongues the Bride!

by Wendola October 23, 2002
Liza and David's Wedding

Okay, I have to say it: Liza looks good. I don't think I want to know the scientific implications of it all, but she looks damn good.

Next we learn how Liza, David, and the wedding planners took over the church: they turned the sanctuary into "a grand theatre," the minister's office and library into a "VIP Green Room," and the choir loft into "Surplus Attitude Storage." Gushy Lady says that "a squad of florists descended" on the church to decorate the altar; that's right, a squad of commando florists kicking down doors and aiming calla lilies with deadly accuracy. They construct this huge canopy of white orchids. "I wanted zit to look like zhe was getting married under zis big wipping willow tree," explains the head florist with the obligatory Accent of Most Fabulous Expertise. Huge, frothy layers of white orchids drip above and below the altar so that the whole front of the church looks like a massive, foaming mouth.

Liza says that on her way to the church, she forgot her contact lenses, because of course, you know how wacky and forgetful brides are, and also her sister, because, well, you know how dumpy and forgettable the non-famous sisters of celebrities are. Steve the Production Manager reports that the fans on the street cheered Liza when she got out of the limo, even though she was still in her street clothes. Footage of Liza making her way through the crowd. The camera mic picks up some guy yelling "You go, girl! You walk down that aisle and get yo man!" I just love that somewhere in New York exists a guy who woke up that morning and thought, "Hmm, what should I do today? Why, I think I'll go downtown and offer Miss Liza Minnelli some sassy encouragement!" ["But the editors cut off the part where he added that Liza should walk down that aisle and get David Gest before some other man beat her to him." -- Wing Chun]

The legendary makeup artist Kevin Aucoin did Liza's makeup and then he died. He died! Liza sighs and smiles wistfully. Yea, Kevin maketh up Liza and then lo, he reacheth Heaven.

"Next on the agenda..." gushes our voice-over friend "...the dress!" Didn't we already discuss the dress? Yes? Well, are we all drinking a smart little cocktail or three while watching this show? Yes? Okay then! Liza explains that she wanted the dress to look like the one Audrey Hepburn wore in My Fair Lady. They show a still of Hepburn in the dress. My, that's a tall order. And...um, a really thin one. Liza says she told Bob Mackie, "and he said, 'well, we'll make it like that, but we'll make it a little different."" Uh...yeah. In his studio, Mackie holds up the sketches and shows how he took the basic elements of the Hepburn dress -- the "white" and "dress" parts -- and added a train and lots of dripping pearls and crystals. The end result is less like Audrey Hepburn and more like Pier One Beaded Lampshade, but Liza manages to carry it off. Mya comments on the dress. Who's Mya? Oh she did that "Lady Marmalade" song with Lil' Kim and Pink and Christina Aguilera, right? Apparently, Mya was also one of Liza's bridesmaids. I guess she's really working that "The One Who Isn't a Freak" niche. Anyway, Mya says about the dress: "It was...flashy." But it's a compliment. Mya knows where she is.

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Here Tongues the Bride!

by Wendola October 23, 2002
Liza and David’s Wedding Liza's engagement ring is three and a half carats! It's worth almost a million dollars! It's as big as a Chupa Chup! Gushy Lady says the ring "was made to David's exact specifications!" Ooh, like it fit Liza's finger and everything. In an interview, Liza talks about David's proposal on a New York rooftop at night. Really?! He did it between the moon and New York City?! And do you get the Liza reference here?! Oh, God, if you do, I'm so sorry. Liza describes the moment and says that when David got down on his knee and proposed she thought, "Of course I'm not going to marry you. What are you, crazy? I told you I don't want to get married and it's really foolish of you to ask me," but she opened her mouth and said, "Yes," which is sooo romantic, you know, for a disassociative response mechanism and all. Okay, I have to say it: Liza looks good. I don't think I want to know the scientific implications of it all, but she looks damn good. Next we learn how Liza, David, and the wedding planners took over the church: they turned the sanctuary into "a grand theatre," the minister's office and library into a "VIP Green Room," and the choir loft into "Surplus Attitude Storage." Gushy Lady says that "a squad of florists descended" on the church to decorate the altar; that's right, a squad of commando florists kicking down doors and aiming calla lilies with deadly accuracy. They construct this huge canopy of white orchids. "I wanted zit to look like zhe was getting married under zis big wipping willow tree," explains the head florist with the obligatory Accent of Most Fabulous Expertise. Huge, frothy layers of white orchids drip above and below the altar so that the whole front of the church looks like a massive, foaming mouth. Liza says that on her way to the church, she forgot her contact lenses, because of course, you know how wacky and forgetful brides are, and also her sister, because, well, you know how dumpy and forgettable the non-famous sisters of celebrities are. Steve the Production Manager reports that the fans on the street cheered Liza when she got out of the limo, even though she was still in her street clothes. Footage of Liza making her way through the crowd. The camera mic picks up some guy yelling "You go, girl! You walk down that aisle and get yo man!" I just love that somewhere in New York exists a guy who woke up that morning and thought, "Hmm, what should I do today? Why, I think I'll go downtown and offer Miss Liza Minnelli some sassy encouragement!" ["But the editors cut off the part where he added that Liza should walk down that aisle and get David Gest before some other man beat her to him." -- Wing Chun]

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