MONDO EXTRAS

Here Tongues the Bride!

by Wendola October 23, 2002
Liza and David's Wedding

"Liza was on her way to the altar," pants Gushy Lady, "but little did she know that a last-minute no-show was causing some very anxious moments! Coming up next...WHERE'S WHITNEY!?"

A commercial break, during which time we presume Gushy Lady takes deep breaths into a paper bag. More traumatic preview clips of David Gest kissing. I think maybe they're trying to desensitize us.

"Liza and David's million-dollar star-studded extravaganza was about to start!" gasps Gushy. "But some very important details were still being worked out at the last minute!" Lee Tannen -- some event planner muckety-muck -- explains in an interview that Whitney Houston was supposed to sing "Embraceable You," finish singing, point toward the door, and exit just before Liza walked down the aisle. "We didn't have an okay that Whitney Houston was going to be there on Thursday," says the event planner. Thursday was when Dionne Warwick was prodding Whitney on the couch. "Girl, wake up!" "We didn't have an okay she'd be there on Friday," says the event planner. Friday: "Try flicking a lighter near her ear," Bobby Brown suggests. "Sometimes she'll sit up if she hears that." "We didn't have an okay that she was going to be there on Saturday," says the event guy. 11:30 AM on Saturday: "Well, can you point, Whitney? Toward the door? No, not there. No, Whitney, not...oh, fuck it."

Gushy Lady euphemistically informs us: "As it turned out, Whitney didn't attend. Fortunately, there was another option." Natalie Cole is shown stepping out of a limo. Sometimes, you have to settle for a former crack ho. Natalie walks into the chuch and smiles, like, "Bitch can't handle her rock? All right."

At last: "All the chaos seemed to melt away as Liza got ready to make her entrance," says Gushy reverently. The ceremony starts. David Gest's reptilian promoter eyes blink back a few tears. Natalie Cole sings "Unforgettable." She does a good job. In interviews, Luther Vandross and Monica say so, too. Natalie sings with a certain gleam in her eye that says, "Someone forget to get her skinny ass here? I'll give you some unforgettable! Unforgettable!" Liza finally makes it down the fucking aisle. She hugs Liz. Liz is like, "Now what did you win, dear?" Liza hugs David, who starts in with tentative nuzzling and sniffing.

David and Liza start saying their vows, although it's clear they were like, "Vows? What are those? That's like dialogue, right? Oh, okay!" "You complete me," says David. "I adore you," says Liza. David grabs Liza's head and clamps down on it. Jesus. His cheeks pump away dispensing God knows how much tongue. Everyone claps wildly. Columnist Liz Smith tries to describe it as "impetuous passion." Or maybe she said "mastication." I am so not going to rewind and check.

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Here Tongues the Bride!

by Wendola October 23, 2002
Liza and David’s Wedding The legendary makeup artist Kevin Aucoin did Liza's makeup and then he died. He died! Liza sighs and smiles wistfully. Yea, Kevin maketh up Liza and then lo, he reacheth Heaven. "Next on the agenda..." gushes our voice-over friend "...the dress!" Didn't we already discuss the dress? Yes? Well, are we all drinking a smart little cocktail or three while watching this show? Yes? Okay then! Liza explains that she wanted the dress to look like the one Audrey Hepburn wore in My Fair Lady. They show a still of Hepburn in the dress. My, that's a tall order. And...um, a really thin one. Liza says she told Bob Mackie, "and he said, 'well, we'll make it like that, but we'll make it a little different."" Uh...yeah. In his studio, Mackie holds up the sketches and shows how he took the basic elements of the Hepburn dress -- the "white" and "dress" parts -- and added a train and lots of dripping pearls and crystals. The end result is less like Audrey Hepburn and more like Pier One Beaded Lampshade, but Liza manages to carry it off. Mya comments on the dress. Who's Mya? Oh she did that "Lady Marmalade" song with Lil' Kim and Pink and Christina Aguilera, right? Apparently, Mya was also one of Liza's bridesmaids. I guess she's really working that "The One Who Isn't a Freak" niche. Anyway, Mya says about the dress: "It was...flashy." But it's a compliment. Mya knows where she is. "Liza was on her way to the altar," pants Gushy Lady, "but little did she know that a last-minute no-show was causing some very anxious moments! Coming up next...WHERE'S WHITNEY!?" A commercial break, during which time we presume Gushy Lady takes deep breaths into a paper bag. More traumatic preview clips of David Gest kissing. I think maybe they're trying to desensitize us. "Liza and David's million-dollar star-studded extravaganza was about to start!" gasps Gushy. "But some very important details were still being worked out at the last minute!" Lee Tannen -- some event planner muckety-muck -- explains in an interview that Whitney Houston was supposed to sing "Embraceable You," finish singing, point toward the door, and exit just before Liza walked down the aisle. "We didn't have an okay that Whitney Houston was going to be there on Thursday," says the event planner. Thursday was when Dionne Warwick was prodding Whitney on the couch. "Girl, wake up!" "We didn't have an okay she'd be there on Friday," says the event planner. Friday: "Try flicking a lighter near her ear," Bobby Brown suggests. "Sometimes she'll sit up if she hears that." "We didn't have an okay that she was going to be there on Saturday," says the event guy. 11:30 AM on Saturday: "Well, can you point, Whitney? Toward the door? No, not there. No, Whitney, not...oh, fuck it."

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