MONDO EXTRAS

Here Tongues the Bride!

by Wendola October 23, 2002
Liza and David's Wedding

Gushy Lady tries to offer a summary: "When all was said and done, it was one of the most OVER-THE-TOP WEDDINGS IN CELEBRITY HISTORY!!" Really? Is there a consensus among celebrity historians about this? "With lots of stars!" gushes Gushy. "Plenty of drama! And lots of open-mouth kisses!" We see them one last time: David's gaping maw, the wet-vac sweep; the sustained gill-fluttering sinus-pressure-inducing Taste-o'-Liza mash extravaganza repressed primal scene trauma of a kiss.

Coming soon: a reality series about Liza and David! Liza and David canoodle in a limo! They clown around in a restaurant! Liza shows off a a ring with a little tear-shaped charm to the members of Destiny's Child. "David gave me this teardrop!" exclaims Liza. "So I could have it on my hand, and not my eye!" Aww, Liza, that's so sweet. Now I would like something in my hand to put in my eye. Something sharp. Thank you.

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Here Tongues the Bride!

by Wendola October 23, 2002
Liza and David’s Wedding "I just wanted to kiss her!" says David. He says he didn't realize that he was kissing her like that in front of everyone. "Well," he says, "it came from the heart." It'll be years before the alien autopsy reveals exactly where that organ is located on David, but I think we all have some idea. The two of them are finally pronounced man and wife. David may now kiss the bride! Ha ha! Ha! Ha! Ha ha! Ha! KILL US. Everyone applauds. Liza goes over to Marisa and Liz and does a little tap dance. And if you watch carefully, you can see Michael Jackson just starting to back slowly away from the uncontained biohazard that is David Gest. The couple finally make it out of the church. Outside, the crowds cheer! Oh, people! You don't know what it was like in there, do you, do you?! The crowd chants, "Li-za! Li-za!" Or maybe it's "Ly-sol! Ly-sol!" Either would be very appropriate to the situation. Liza tosses her bouquet and a guy catches it. Aww! Lucky guy, he'll be gay within the year, you just wait and see! Gushy Lady tries to offer a summary: "When all was said and done, it was one of the most OVER-THE-TOP WEDDINGS IN CELEBRITY HISTORY!!" Really? Is there a consensus among celebrity historians about this? "With lots of stars!" gushes Gushy. "Plenty of drama! And lots of open-mouth kisses!" We see them one last time: David's gaping maw, the wet-vac sweep; the sustained gill-fluttering sinus-pressure-inducing Taste-o'-Liza mash extravaganza repressed primal scene trauma of a kiss. Coming soon: a reality series about Liza and David! Liza and David canoodle in a limo! They clown around in a restaurant! Liza shows off a a ring with a little tear-shaped charm to the members of Destiny's Child. "David gave me this teardrop!" exclaims Liza. "So I could have it on my hand, and not my eye!" Aww, Liza, that's so sweet. Now I would like something in my hand to put in my eye. Something sharp. Thank you.

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