MONDO EXTRAS

Before I begin, I have to confess that, back in the day, I was a huge Xena fan. I mean, I didn't go to conventions or anything, because I'm not a freak, but I watched every episode every chance I got. How could I not love an ass-kicking crypto-lesbian feminist in a leather bustier? Especially one who devoted three episodes to reenacting Wagner. But over time, I've had to agree with my friend Sara B. (who turned me on to Xena and who, incidentally, kicks Xena-esque proportions of ass) -- Lucy Lawless was put on this earth to play Xena, and that's pretty much all she's capable of doing. Exhibit one: Tarzan. Exhibit two: Locusts.

The camera pans along a floor. Neon green type pops up on the screen, accompanied by little pinging sounds that mean "computer" to the fogies who watch CBS. I keep expecting Mack and Harm to show up. Uh, not that I know who those people are. In any case, the type tells us that we are at a USDA research lab at the Virginia Institute of Agriculture. Creepy music plays. A door opens, and two pair of feet enter. Oh, they belong to a couple of college kids -- one of each gender. Boy (of course) is trying to fool around with Girl, but she has serious work to do. She walks up to a cooler while he jokes about her job, which is feeding bugs. There's this skritching sound in the background, and then he turns arou--

AAAAAUGH! There's a glass wall covered with bugs!

Okay, so the other thing I should confess is that bugs freak my shit out. One or two bugs are fine, and I can kill spiders and crawly things without a problem. But masses of bugs? Or bugs in close-up? Shudder. So I'm starting to think it was a bad idea for me to offer to recap this movie.

In any case, Boy sees the bugs and jumps, but he's clearly just playing around with Girl. Or he was supposed to be scared, and he's just a bad actor. You be the judge. The soundtrack, however, is deadly serious, giving us a big clashing chord just as Boy sees the bugs. The bugs are in a glass-walled room, and they're all pressed up against the glass. The girl tells the boy that the bugs are known as Australian plague locusts. I think they need a new P.R. agent. Girl picks up a ficus tree and tells Boy that it's her job to feed the locusts by depositing the tree in their cage. The boy tells her that he's not going into the cage, and she insults his manhood and tells him that he has to take her someplace nice after they leave the lab. If they leave the lab. And I'm sorry, but isn't it her job to feed the bugs? Like, isn't she being paid to do it? So why is she busting his ass for not doing it for her? I think Xena would be sorely disappointed in Girl. She punches in a code on the outer door of the bug chamber. It opens into a little airlock space, and she carries the tree into the cage. Boy closes the door behind her. Because he's no fool.

She starts to open the door to the inner cage (you know, the one full of bugs) and he points to the moonsuit hanging on the wall, asking her if she shouldn't be wearing it. But she thinks her belly shirt is protection enough. She walks into the cage and puts the tree down. Boy is looking at her from the outside, and he kisses his fingers and presses them up against the glass. I think someone's been watching too much Oz. She blows a kiss back to him. The locusts, disgusted by this sappy display of sentimentality, start flying into her face. She starts mildly freaking out, and before long the entire swarm is buzzing around her and landing on her hair. This is why I shave my head, people. Girl is losing it, and Boy runs to the outer door to try to open it. But you need a code for that, and he doesn't have it. Girl eventually shouts out the code to him, and he runs into the airlock and then into the cage, pulling her out. He brushes the bugs off her while she keeps screaming, and then he pulls her out of the airlock and closes the door behind him. They both catch their breath, and after a second, Boy asks, "You still want to get something to eat?" Girl is not amused.

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Before I begin, I have to confess that, back in the day, I was a huge Xena fan. I mean, I didn't go to conventions or anything, because I'm not a freak, but I watched every episode every chance I got. How could I not love an ass-kicking crypto-lesbian feminist in a leather bustier? Especially one who devoted three episodes to reenacting Wagner. But over time, I've had to agree with my friend Sara B. (who turned me on to Xena and who, incidentally, kicks Xena-esque proportions of ass) -- Lucy Lawless was put on this earth to play Xena, and that's pretty much all she's capable of doing. Exhibit one: Tarzan. Exhibit two: Locusts.

The camera pans along a floor. Neon green type pops up on the screen, accompanied by little pinging sounds that mean "computer" to the fogies who watch CBS. I keep expecting Mack and Harm to show up. Uh, not that I know who those people are. In any case, the type tells us that we are at a USDA research lab at the Virginia Institute of Agriculture. Creepy music plays. A door opens, and two pair of feet enter. Oh, they belong to a couple of college kids -- one of each gender. Boy (of course) is trying to fool around with Girl, but she has serious work to do. She walks up to a cooler while he jokes about her job, which is feeding bugs. There's this skritching sound in the background, and then he turns arou--

AAAAAUGH! There's a glass wall covered with bugs!

Okay, so the other thing I should confess is that bugs freak my shit out. One or two bugs are fine, and I can kill spiders and crawly things without a problem. But masses of bugs? Or bugs in close-up? Shudder. So I'm starting to think it was a bad idea for me to offer to recap this movie.

In any case, Boy sees the bugs and jumps, but he's clearly just playing around with Girl. Or he was supposed to be scared, and he's just a bad actor. You be the judge. The soundtrack, however, is deadly serious, giving us a big clashing chord just as Boy sees the bugs. The bugs are in a glass-walled room, and they're all pressed up against the glass. The girl tells the boy that the bugs are known as Australian plague locusts. I think they need a new P.R. agent. Girl picks up a ficus tree and tells Boy that it's her job to feed the locusts by depositing the tree in their cage. The boy tells her that he's not going into the cage, and she insults his manhood and tells him that he has to take her someplace nice after they leave the lab. If they leave the lab. And I'm sorry, but isn't it her job to feed the bugs? Like, isn't she being paid to do it? So why is she busting his ass for not doing it for her? I think Xena would be sorely disappointed in Girl. She punches in a code on the outer door of the bug chamber. It opens into a little airlock space, and she carries the tree into the cage. Boy closes the door behind her. Because he's no fool.

She starts to open the door to the inner cage (you know, the one full of bugs) and he points to the moonsuit hanging on the wall, asking her if she shouldn't be wearing it. But she thinks her belly shirt is protection enough. She walks into the cage and puts the tree down. Boy is looking at her from the outside, and he kisses his fingers and presses them up against the glass. I think someone's been watching too much Oz. She blows a kiss back to him. The locusts, disgusted by this sappy display of sentimentality, start flying into her face. She starts mildly freaking out, and before long the entire swarm is buzzing around her and landing on her hair. This is why I shave my head, people. Girl is losing it, and Boy runs to the outer door to try to open it. But you need a code for that, and he doesn't have it. Girl eventually shouts out the code to him, and he runs into the airlock and then into the cage, pulling her out. He brushes the bugs off her while she keeps screaming, and then he pulls her out of the airlock and closes the door behind him. They both catch their breath, and after a second, Boy asks, "You still want to get something to eat?" Girl is not amused.

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