MONDO EXTRAS

Spring Break Bug Attack

by LTG May 4, 2005
Locusts

In the lobby of the Homeland Security building, Xena and Moist Dan are entering the building. She calls for him to slow down. He suggests that she needs to take better care of herself and their baby. Fuck you, Moist Dan! I hate it when people start treating pregnant women as though they are nothing more than baby holders. Xena's important in her own right. He tells her that he loves her. Reconciliation complete, they decide that it's time to save the world.

In the task force meeting room, satellite imagery shows that the locusts are speeding across the continent. Apparently, they crossed the length and breadth of Indiana in about thirty seconds. General Jackass is just about to start briefing the task force on the steps that are being taken to evacuate effected areas before the deadly nerve gas is sprayed everywhere. Xena and Moist Dan choose that moment to enter the room. Xena tells the assembled crowd, "We found another way." General Jackass scoffs at the notion that electricity will kill the bugs. Because electricity is such a harmless substance. He also wonders how they are possibly going to kill all the locusts with electricity, since they are pretty much everywhere. Moist Dan is getting angry. He yells at them, saying, "We've got some of the best minds in the country here." God help us all if that's true. He thinks that they have got to be able to think of a way to use electricity to kill the locusts. Xena asks them, "How do we create the biggest damn bug zapper the world has ever seen?" General Jackass and Secretary Morales both tell Xena to sit down and shut up. And then the clumsy redhead from earlier speaks up. Hey, it's Natalia Nogulich, a.k.a. Admiral Nechayev, a.k.a. the Israeli Ambassador. What a comedown -- from admiral to ambassador to bureaucratic nerd. She introduces herself as being from the Department of Energy. She tells them that there are power lines running along the Rockies and along the Mississippi River. She calls them "the continental power grids," but I always thought a grid implied that there were some perpendicular lines involved. And according to the graphic she shows us, the power lines start just at the border with Mexico and end just at the border with Canada. Basically, Bureaucrat Nechayev suggests that they increase the power flowing through the lines. She thinks that this will create an electric field that will extend past the lines, electrocuting anything that is near them. But the only way it will work is if everyone in the country stops using electricity so that there will be enough to pump into the lines. You know, I think this movie has actually beaten down my sense of outrage -- I cannot bring myself to get worked up over all the bad science in this scene. General Jackass thinks they need to stick with the deadly nerve gas plan, but Senator Kickass tells him that the giant bug zapper plan is worth trying first. H.S. Guy agrees. General Jackass is not at all gracious in defeat, basically telling them that there's no way their plan will work, and that he will be ready to drop the nerve gas the moment it fails.

Xena and Moist Dan board a small jet. She expositions that the leading edge of the swarm will cross the power lines near Rockport, Illinois, so that's where they're going to go. Moist Dan says, "Let's do it." That's like the moist version of "Let's rock!"

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Spring Break Bug Attack

by LTG May 4, 2005
Locusts

In the lobby of the Homeland Security building, Xena and Moist Dan are entering the building. She calls for him to slow down. He suggests that she needs to take better care of herself and their baby. Fuck you, Moist Dan! I hate it when people start treating pregnant women as though they are nothing more than baby holders. Xena's important in her own right. He tells her that he loves her. Reconciliation complete, they decide that it's time to save the world.

In the task force meeting room, satellite imagery shows that the locusts are speeding across the continent. Apparently, they crossed the length and breadth of Indiana in about thirty seconds. General Jackass is just about to start briefing the task force on the steps that are being taken to evacuate effected areas before the deadly nerve gas is sprayed everywhere. Xena and Moist Dan choose that moment to enter the room. Xena tells the assembled crowd, "We found another way." General Jackass scoffs at the notion that electricity will kill the bugs. Because electricity is such a harmless substance. He also wonders how they are possibly going to kill all the locusts with electricity, since they are pretty much everywhere. Moist Dan is getting angry. He yells at them, saying, "We've got some of the best minds in the country here." God help us all if that's true. He thinks that they have got to be able to think of a way to use electricity to kill the locusts. Xena asks them, "How do we create the biggest damn bug zapper the world has ever seen?" General Jackass and Secretary Morales both tell Xena to sit down and shut up. And then the clumsy redhead from earlier speaks up. Hey, it's Natalia Nogulich, a.k.a. Admiral Nechayev, a.k.a. the Israeli Ambassador. What a comedown -- from admiral to ambassador to bureaucratic nerd. She introduces herself as being from the Department of Energy. She tells them that there are power lines running along the Rockies and along the Mississippi River. She calls them "the continental power grids," but I always thought a grid implied that there were some perpendicular lines involved. And according to the graphic she shows us, the power lines start just at the border with Mexico and end just at the border with Canada. Basically, Bureaucrat Nechayev suggests that they increase the power flowing through the lines. She thinks that this will create an electric field that will extend past the lines, electrocuting anything that is near them. But the only way it will work is if everyone in the country stops using electricity so that there will be enough to pump into the lines. You know, I think this movie has actually beaten down my sense of outrage -- I cannot bring myself to get worked up over all the bad science in this scene. General Jackass thinks they need to stick with the deadly nerve gas plan, but Senator Kickass tells him that the giant bug zapper plan is worth trying first. H.S. Guy agrees. General Jackass is not at all gracious in defeat, basically telling them that there's no way their plan will work, and that he will be ready to drop the nerve gas the moment it fails.

Xena and Moist Dan board a small jet. She expositions that the leading edge of the swarm will cross the power lines near Rockport, Illinois, so that's where they're going to go. Moist Dan says, "Let's do it." That's like the moist version of "Let's rock!"

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25Next

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