MONDO EXTRAS

Spring Break Bug Attack

by LTG May 4, 2005
Locusts

Satellite images show the locusts moving across the entire width of Illinois in seconds. Moist Dan points out to Xena that this is the most time the two of them have spent together in months. Apocalyptic locusts, bringing couples together since 2005. They're about to start making out when the locusts arrive. Once again, the locusts are ignoring every bit of succulent food that they're flying over. Wyatt tries to let Xena know that everything is ready to go, but she can't get a signal on her cell phone because of all the electricity flowing through the air. Xena thinks it might be a good idea to get in the car.

And then the bugs hit the wires. Pop, splat, sizzle…you can picture it yourself. There's a lot of smoke and fire, as well as lots of bug juice splashing around. Crispy bugs start falling to earth.

Back at mission control, everyone is excited. Bureaucrat Nechayev jumps up and kisses General Jackass. Morales sidles up to General Jackass and tells him, "If I were the general who authorized gassing the American people, I'd be worried about my job." Uh, burn?

Back out by the power lines, Xena and Moist Dan share a romantic kiss as dead locusts rain down on their car. Sexay.

A newscaster tells us that "the locusts were eradicated using intense electrical voltage over many hours." I guess every single locust on both coasts must have eventually flown to the power lines. And not flown into Canada or Mexico. Not that we would care if they did. But even if they didn't all fly near the power lines, it doesn't matter, because they were all eventually killed by, oh, let's say…Moe. What the newscaster actually says is, "In an unexpected turn of events, as a result of their bioengineering, the surviving locusts are apparently sterile." Yes. That's right. The first six locusts were able to breed billions of others, but then sterility struck.

Neon type welcomes us to a year later. Xena is sitting in her lawn in a rocking chair, holding her baby. Her bug baby! Because that baby obviously was infected with locust DNA. Moist Dan walks up to them wearing a toolbelt and a backwards baseball cap. It doesn't make him any less moist. B.J. walks out of the house and asks if "there's a Mrs. [Moist Dan] here?" So Xena not only had to have a baby, she changed her last name? Fuck. That. Shit. Xena takes the phone and learns that there's an outbreak of something somewhere. She passes the locust baby to Moist Dan and starts talking business. He rolls his eyes, but he's too moist to actually complain. Credits.

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Spring Break Bug Attack

by LTG May 4, 2005
Locusts

Satellite images show the locusts moving across the entire width of Illinois in seconds. Moist Dan points out to Xena that this is the most time the two of them have spent together in months. Apocalyptic locusts, bringing couples together since 2005. They're about to start making out when the locusts arrive. Once again, the locusts are ignoring every bit of succulent food that they're flying over. Wyatt tries to let Xena know that everything is ready to go, but she can't get a signal on her cell phone because of all the electricity flowing through the air. Xena thinks it might be a good idea to get in the car.

And then the bugs hit the wires. Pop, splat, sizzle…you can picture it yourself. There's a lot of smoke and fire, as well as lots of bug juice splashing around. Crispy bugs start falling to earth.

Back at mission control, everyone is excited. Bureaucrat Nechayev jumps up and kisses General Jackass. Morales sidles up to General Jackass and tells him, "If I were the general who authorized gassing the American people, I'd be worried about my job." Uh, burn?

Back out by the power lines, Xena and Moist Dan share a romantic kiss as dead locusts rain down on their car. Sexay.

A newscaster tells us that "the locusts were eradicated using intense electrical voltage over many hours." I guess every single locust on both coasts must have eventually flown to the power lines. And not flown into Canada or Mexico. Not that we would care if they did. But even if they didn't all fly near the power lines, it doesn't matter, because they were all eventually killed by, oh, let's say…Moe. What the newscaster actually says is, "In an unexpected turn of events, as a result of their bioengineering, the surviving locusts are apparently sterile." Yes. That's right. The first six locusts were able to breed billions of others, but then sterility struck.

Neon type welcomes us to a year later. Xena is sitting in her lawn in a rocking chair, holding her baby. Her bug baby! Because that baby obviously was infected with locust DNA. Moist Dan walks up to them wearing a toolbelt and a backwards baseball cap. It doesn't make him any less moist. B.J. walks out of the house and asks if "there's a Mrs. [Moist Dan] here?" So Xena not only had to have a baby, she changed her last name? Fuck. That. Shit. Xena takes the phone and learns that there's an outbreak of something somewhere. She passes the locust baby to Moist Dan and starts talking business. He rolls his eyes, but he's too moist to actually complain. Credits.

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