MONDO EXTRAS

Do You Believe in Magic?

by Jacob Clifton August 17, 2004
Man in the Mirror: The Michael Jackson Story

Fully four commercials about things with less carbs than you thought? We're now in Mexico City, home of Romeo Plus Juliet, as The Man From Funkle calls it, and Lawyer Jack's all, you need a good criminal lawyer. Michael doesn't like the use of the word "criminal," because it's ugly. He would like the justice system to change the name to something else. The justice system declines, and everybody looks around sheepishly because Michael's so weird and flaky and bizarre. "So who's the best?" Johnnie Cochran, you see. Michael goes to a crazy place where he thinks it would be playing the race card to hire some lawyer just because he's black. Bobby's like, it's because he's the best, you freak. Liz freaks up behind them and acts like Aunt Bea, all, "What scheme are you boys hatching? I just made lemon-and-Brita-filter tarts." She's so out of it. They are a perfect match. Liz supports the Cochran thing...and tells Michael he's too freaked out to decide about this and...and tells him to "go somewhere" and the three of them kind of work together to get Michael into rehab. In England. Moral of the story? You know already. British druggies talk about how they aren't going to do drugs anymore. Note: If people say this on TV? They're full of it. Not until they burn something down can you trust them. One British junkie girl ("What's he loik? What's he loik, anyway? Know wha' I mean?") is all, "Wot's that say about us, right, if Michael Jackson is wif us right now?" Um, that you're a junkie in rehab with a freak? Know wot I mean? I think she means that if they can be in rehab with Michael, they can accomplish anything. Whatever, you're a dumb trainspotting freak. Michael's all, "Thank you! Thank you, this is so real," and they laugh, because it's, like, so inspiring how much better off they are than poor fucked-up Michael Jackson.

Some kids at a protest sing a beautiful song about how much they love Michael. It's awesome, these two very young men singing an "I love Michael Jackson" song. It's nice, then it sucks because LaToya in real footage shows that she was once far, far ahead of Michael on the Wildenstein scale of freak-out surgery. She's talking shit about how she cannot, will not be a silent collaborator of his crimes against small innocent children and if I remain silent then that means that I feel the guilt and humiliation that these children are feeling and I think it's very wrong and I have seen checks payable to the parents of these children but I think it's sad because I am a victim myself and I know what it feels like blah blah blah buy my book. Because it's all about her and her fucked-up career. You know what? I remember the autobiography of husband/Svengali/manager/puppeteer. Not that I read it? But, like, there are two things I remember that I thought were so fucking awesome and you should know about them? Maybe it was that dude James. Oh, wait, that was Janet, not LaToya. Maybe it's the same guy, I don't know. Because I don't care. Anyway, here we go. My memory, from my confusion, from my apathy, from my preoccupation with my own self. 1) The dude remembered this time he wandered into the Jackson family backyard and they were totally (allegedly) sacrificing a monkey? For real. And 2) one time he came over and Michael was shooting himself up with some weird Jack Kirby liquid and yelling, "It's working! I'm getting lighter! I can feel myself getting lighter!" And honestly? That's all I know about the Jacksons. Monkey sacrifices and strange potions. Which is awesome, in my opinion, whether it's true or not.

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Do You Believe in Magic?

by Jacob Clifton August 17, 2004
Man in the Mirror: The Michael Jackson Story

Fully four commercials about things with less carbs than you thought? We're now in Mexico City, home of Romeo Plus Juliet, as The Man From Funkle calls it, and Lawyer Jack's all, you need a good criminal lawyer. Michael doesn't like the use of the word "criminal," because it's ugly. He would like the justice system to change the name to something else. The justice system declines, and everybody looks around sheepishly because Michael's so weird and flaky and bizarre. "So who's the best?" Johnnie Cochran, you see. Michael goes to a crazy place where he thinks it would be playing the race card to hire some lawyer just because he's black. Bobby's like, it's because he's the best, you freak. Liz freaks up behind them and acts like Aunt Bea, all, "What scheme are you boys hatching? I just made lemon-and-Brita-filter tarts." She's so out of it. They are a perfect match. Liz supports the Cochran thing...and tells Michael he's too freaked out to decide about this and...and tells him to "go somewhere" and the three of them kind of work together to get Michael into rehab. In England. Moral of the story? You know already. British druggies talk about how they aren't going to do drugs anymore. Note: If people say this on TV? They're full of it. Not until they burn something down can you trust them. One British junkie girl ("What's he loik? What's he loik, anyway? Know wha' I mean?") is all, "Wot's that say about us, right, if Michael Jackson is wif us right now?" Um, that you're a junkie in rehab with a freak? Know wot I mean? I think she means that if they can be in rehab with Michael, they can accomplish anything. Whatever, you're a dumb trainspotting freak. Michael's all, "Thank you! Thank you, this is so real," and they laugh, because it's, like, so inspiring how much better off they are than poor fucked-up Michael Jackson.

Some kids at a protest sing a beautiful song about how much they love Michael. It's awesome, these two very young men singing an "I love Michael Jackson" song. It's nice, then it sucks because LaToya in real footage shows that she was once far, far ahead of Michael on the Wildenstein scale of freak-out surgery. She's talking shit about how she cannot, will not be a silent collaborator of his crimes against small innocent children and if I remain silent then that means that I feel the guilt and humiliation that these children are feeling and I think it's very wrong and I have seen checks payable to the parents of these children but I think it's sad because I am a victim myself and I know what it feels like blah blah blah buy my book. Because it's all about her and her fucked-up career. You know what? I remember the autobiography of husband/Svengali/manager/puppeteer. Not that I read it? But, like, there are two things I remember that I thought were so fucking awesome and you should know about them? Maybe it was that dude James. Oh, wait, that was Janet, not LaToya. Maybe it's the same guy, I don't know. Because I don't care. Anyway, here we go. My memory, from my confusion, from my apathy, from my preoccupation with my own self. 1) The dude remembered this time he wandered into the Jackson family backyard and they were totally (allegedly) sacrificing a monkey? For real. And 2) one time he came over and Michael was shooting himself up with some weird Jack Kirby liquid and yelling, "It's working! I'm getting lighter! I can feel myself getting lighter!" And honestly? That's all I know about the Jacksons. Monkey sacrifices and strange potions. Which is awesome, in my opinion, whether it's true or not.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26Next

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