MONDO EXTRAS

Do You Believe in Magic?

by Jacob Clifton August 17, 2004
Man in the Mirror: The Michael Jackson Story

Pushed over the line by people making fun of him calling his kid Blanket (THE NERVE!), he becomes resolute. Or as resolute as you can get when your voice sounds like a character in a children's cartoon all about love and puppies and blankets and telling an adult if Michael Jackson touches you. "Call Bashir. We're doing the documentary." How awesome is it that in this story, he does the whole interview debacle to clear Blanket's name and be all, "Let Blanket Be Blanket?" Terrifying commercial for dog food where a bad CGI bulldog dances all sexy. It's like the inside of Elizabeth Taylor's mind. I learn in quick succession that 1) Transsexuals are getting to play in the Olympics. Awesome. 2) Mischa Barton gave what's-his-face a handjob at the movies the other day. Awesome. 3) Somebody blackmailed McGreevey to resign. Not at all awesome. Big day.

Paris and Prince (but not the cool ones. Dude, they should have had the real Prince and Paris play MJ's kids. Oh, what. You're telling me that's not realistic in this shithole movie?) get to meet Bashir and they're all excited. Paris and Prince put on Mardi Gras masks and everybody acts like that's normal. Montage of filming, filming, filming. A butterfly lands on Martin Bashir, so Michael Jackson marries him and then kisses him on MTV to prove that they're in love. Ben thinks that maybe the butterflies are sent to trick Michael into trusting the wrong people, and further, it is his belief that the butterflies are sent by Mariah Carey, who, while insane, has a touch of the dark Stevie Nicks magicks at her disposal. I tell Ben that I cannot deal with two crazy people at the same time and he needs to shut it until this movie is over. Which it never, ever will be. I start to wonder, if ever death is not an option, and I must choose between "Dirty Diana" and "Smooth Criminal," what I will do.

Michael introduces Bashir to his friend David, whose cancer he cured. I remember this part. Bashir is really happy that David did not die. He wonders how Michael is so able to connect with kids. Not to mention cure them with his magic powers against cancer. David oral-interps his way through this retarded dumb speech about how in his heart Michael is a child and he acts like a child and blah blah blah. Michael and Bashir talk about how Michael didn't want his mysterious white children in the movie, but "if I can't trust you, Martin, who can I trust?" Ouch. "You're a very, very honest man."

Now it's 19 November 2002, Berlin, and you know what that means. Blankygate! Michael's chasing his mysterious children around the hotel room. For a million years. It's like Truth or Dare, what with every single person that works for him being around all the time and taking part in the hijinks. The choreographer is there playing grab-ass with him and his kids? No, it's another nurse. The maid is holding Blanket. Big pile of Michael and faux choreographer and kids on the couch. All of a sudden he hears the screaming outside even though it's been going the whole time, and everybody -- babysitters, kids, Michael -- starts singing along with the crowd. Oh, and there's a Michael mannequin in the room with them. Okay? So Michael suddenly snatches the baby from the maid's hands, puts a napkin over its head, and dangles it out the window. Everyone's all WTF in the room and looking at each other because it happened so fast. Michael gets all manic and whirls around and throws the napkin out the window and notices everybody staring at his crazy ass. He realizes he fucked up, but not how, exactly. Then he's all, "I just wanted to show Blanket to the world." And I guess possibly the insides of Blanket, because that's where most of the love is.

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Do You Believe in Magic?

by Jacob Clifton August 17, 2004
Man in the Mirror: The Michael Jackson Story

Pushed over the line by people making fun of him calling his kid Blanket (THE NERVE!), he becomes resolute. Or as resolute as you can get when your voice sounds like a character in a children's cartoon all about love and puppies and blankets and telling an adult if Michael Jackson touches you. "Call Bashir. We're doing the documentary." How awesome is it that in this story, he does the whole interview debacle to clear Blanket's name and be all, "Let Blanket Be Blanket?" Terrifying commercial for dog food where a bad CGI bulldog dances all sexy. It's like the inside of Elizabeth Taylor's mind. I learn in quick succession that 1) Transsexuals are getting to play in the Olympics. Awesome. 2) Mischa Barton gave what's-his-face a handjob at the movies the other day. Awesome. 3) Somebody blackmailed McGreevey to resign. Not at all awesome. Big day.

Paris and Prince (but not the cool ones. Dude, they should have had the real Prince and Paris play MJ's kids. Oh, what. You're telling me that's not realistic in this shithole movie?) get to meet Bashir and they're all excited. Paris and Prince put on Mardi Gras masks and everybody acts like that's normal. Montage of filming, filming, filming. A butterfly lands on Martin Bashir, so Michael Jackson marries him and then kisses him on MTV to prove that they're in love. Ben thinks that maybe the butterflies are sent to trick Michael into trusting the wrong people, and further, it is his belief that the butterflies are sent by Mariah Carey, who, while insane, has a touch of the dark Stevie Nicks magicks at her disposal. I tell Ben that I cannot deal with two crazy people at the same time and he needs to shut it until this movie is over. Which it never, ever will be. I start to wonder, if ever death is not an option, and I must choose between "Dirty Diana" and "Smooth Criminal," what I will do.

Michael introduces Bashir to his friend David, whose cancer he cured. I remember this part. Bashir is really happy that David did not die. He wonders how Michael is so able to connect with kids. Not to mention cure them with his magic powers against cancer. David oral-interps his way through this retarded dumb speech about how in his heart Michael is a child and he acts like a child and blah blah blah. Michael and Bashir talk about how Michael didn't want his mysterious white children in the movie, but "if I can't trust you, Martin, who can I trust?" Ouch. "You're a very, very honest man."

Now it's 19 November 2002, Berlin, and you know what that means. Blankygate! Michael's chasing his mysterious children around the hotel room. For a million years. It's like Truth or Dare, what with every single person that works for him being around all the time and taking part in the hijinks. The choreographer is there playing grab-ass with him and his kids? No, it's another nurse. The maid is holding Blanket. Big pile of Michael and faux choreographer and kids on the couch. All of a sudden he hears the screaming outside even though it's been going the whole time, and everybody -- babysitters, kids, Michael -- starts singing along with the crowd. Oh, and there's a Michael mannequin in the room with them. Okay? So Michael suddenly snatches the baby from the maid's hands, puts a napkin over its head, and dangles it out the window. Everyone's all WTF in the room and looking at each other because it happened so fast. Michael gets all manic and whirls around and throws the napkin out the window and notices everybody staring at his crazy ass. He realizes he fucked up, but not how, exactly. Then he's all, "I just wanted to show Blanket to the world." And I guess possibly the insides of Blanket, because that's where most of the love is.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26Next

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