Melrose Place: "The Bitch Is Back"
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I have to tell you, I love the Melrose Place. How can you not love a show where a woman frames a woman for framing a woman for trying to run over a man that all three of those women were married to at some point? That's some good storytelling there. And this episode is probably one of my favorite TV moments ever. I'm so excited to get to recap it.
The episode opens with the melodic song stylings of -- who else? -- Sting. Of course, it's Sting. It is at this moment that I realize that although this episode contains Marcia Cross's Greatest Moment, it also contains an incredibly boring subplot in which Billy "Mullet" Campbell and Allison "Drunk" Parker hire a wedding planner. This story is only marginally more interesting than the time we had to sit through an hour to find out if Billy was going to take over his father's carpet business. Between you and me, I much prefer Allison when she is (a) falling off the wagon; (b) running out on her wedding because her dad molested her; (c) crying because of how mean Amanda is to her; or (d) dating a sex addict. I also can't believe that I was all hot for Billy when this episode first aired. First of all, he's SO BORING. Second of all, he acts solely with his teeth. Sad: shows a bit of his bottom teeth. Happy: shows all his teeth and gums. Confused: sticks all his top teeth out, sucks on tongue. I think I appreciated how non-threatening and asexual he was back when I was nineteen, but now I just want to smack those teeth right back into his head. Anyway. Melrose Place, the location, not the title of the show. I mean...you know what I mean. The apartment building. People in high, high, high-waisted jeans and bright, bright, bright mock-turtlenecks stroll in front of the building. I can't believe I ever wore a mock turtleneck and yet I know for a fact that I did. In fact, I believe I wore them with stirrup pants. The horror! Anyway, we head into Billy and Allison's Apartment of Love, which later of course will be the Apartment of Climbing Out The Window and Leaving Billy at the Altar; the Apartment of Allison Falling Off the Wagon; the Apartment of Billy and Allison Breaking Up; and the Apartment of Billy Getting Together With Charlotte York Who Turns Out to Be A Nutcase And Then Cracks Her Head In the Pool and Drowns and Then Haunts Billy For Like A Week or Something. But now, now, it is the Apartment of Love. Allison stands in her bathroom and combs her feathered hair and smiles dreamily. Oh Allison, you are going to end so very sadly. She walks into the bedroom, where Billy is sleeping, shirtless. She crawls on the bed and starts kissing him. Oh, you two. Get a room. Oh, wait. Billy turns over and sticks his teeth out in a vague approximation of mild lust. "Heeeeey, I thought you wanted to wait until we got married," he says. Oh, Billy. That will be a long, long wait. Allison coos that she's missed him so much, despite the fact that she sleeps two feet away. She yaps something about wanting to concentrate on him and blah blah, she doesn't think she can wait another minute to suck on his teeth. So they do it.