MONDO EXTRAS

Melrose Place: "The Bitch Is Back"

by Jessica October 1, 2005
Melrose Place: “The Bitch Is Back”

Anyway. "It sounds really good," Michael tells Sydney, throwing his coffee cup gaily onto the sand. Sydney tells him she'll be home late tonight, but right after she fucks her last john, she and Michael are gonna start a new life together: "With me taking care of you." Yeah, good luck with that. They start making out, and Michael opens his eyes for a moment and sees...KIMBERLY STANDING ON THE DECK OF THE BEACH HOUSE! He blinks hard, and shakes his head. "No, it couldn't be!" he says. Sydney is all, "Are you all right?" and he looks at her, distracted, and then when he looks back to the deck, Kimberly is gone. Oh man, Michael. Kimberly saw you kissing Sydney and she is gonna kill the two of you, because, although you don't know it yet, she kinda came back from the dead wrong. Like, baby-stealing, multiple-personality-having, black-market-lobotomy-giving wrong. Anyway, Michael goes back to kissing Sydney, but he does have the presence of mind to look very perturbed over her shoulder.

Wilshire Memorial Hospital. Michael and Gay Matt are walking and talking and Gay Matt, it must be said, has, like, incredibly floppy hair, and although I didn't realize it until this exact moment, this is the exact same floppy haircut that the boy I was totally in love with in college also had, although that boy was not gay. He was in the marching band, though. Anyway. "It's like a Stephen King novel," says Michael. "I'm starting to see Kimberly everywhere." Gay Matt looks disturbed, most likely because he hasn't had a proper storyline in at least two years. Michael wonders if he might be cracking up: "My conscience must be bothering me." "You don't have one of those," Gay Matt wisely notes. "Well, then what is it?" Michael asks. "Why now?" That's another example of how Thomas Calabro is a total genius -- how he is completely deadpan in his acknowledgement of his lack of a conscience. He wonders if Kimberly could possibly be alive. Gay Matt assures him that it's impossible for Kimberly to be alive. Since Michael's car, you know, blew up and whatnot when he crashed it in his drunken stupor. Gay Matt's pretty sure that Michael is just stressed out: "After all, you and Sydney had a fairly exhausting courtship, right?" Yes, being blackmailed into marriage is pretty exhausting. Michael agrees that this is, in fact, true. He just needs to get some sleep and everything will be JUST FINE.

We cut to the Beverly Hills Beach Club. Jo "Kimberly Stole My Baby And I Had to Shoot James Wilder Just To Get the Kid In The First Place" Whatever-Jo's-Last-Name-Is is taking photographs of several poorly dressed models. I can't believe I didn't remember that this episode is one of the ones in which they attempt to spin off Models Inc.! It IS the best episode ever. Sadly, however, the attempt to get us interested in the boring boring Sarah Whatever Her Name Is, of whom Jo is currently snapping photos, is not particularly successful. I far prefer the storylines wherein Jo, through no fault of her own, somehow misplaces her baby. Yes, this happened more than once. Anyway, Jo is assuring Boring Model Sarah that she that she looks great, and Sarah doesn't believe her and Sarah is smart because man, does she need a blow-out and some Frizz-Ease, and also not to be wearing a babydoll dress with a pinafore over it. Poor Sarah is also clearly blissfully unaware that the untimely cancellation of Models Inc. means that her character will be stranded in a Mexican brothel for the rest of all fictional eternity. Sarah whimpers that she feels so gawky, and Jo reiterates that Sarah looks "amazing," which is impossible, because Sarah is posing with a parasol.

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Melrose Place: "The Bitch Is Back"

by Jessica October 1, 2005
Melrose Place: “The Bitch Is Back”

Anyway. "It sounds really good," Michael tells Sydney, throwing his coffee cup gaily onto the sand. Sydney tells him she'll be home late tonight, but right after she fucks her last john, she and Michael are gonna start a new life together: "With me taking care of you." Yeah, good luck with that. They start making out, and Michael opens his eyes for a moment and sees...KIMBERLY STANDING ON THE DECK OF THE BEACH HOUSE! He blinks hard, and shakes his head. "No, it couldn't be!" he says. Sydney is all, "Are you all right?" and he looks at her, distracted, and then when he looks back to the deck, Kimberly is gone. Oh man, Michael. Kimberly saw you kissing Sydney and she is gonna kill the two of you, because, although you don't know it yet, she kinda came back from the dead wrong. Like, baby-stealing, multiple-personality-having, black-market-lobotomy-giving wrong. Anyway, Michael goes back to kissing Sydney, but he does have the presence of mind to look very perturbed over her shoulder.

Wilshire Memorial Hospital. Michael and Gay Matt are walking and talking and Gay Matt, it must be said, has, like, incredibly floppy hair, and although I didn't realize it until this exact moment, this is the exact same floppy haircut that the boy I was totally in love with in college also had, although that boy was not gay. He was in the marching band, though. Anyway. "It's like a Stephen King novel," says Michael. "I'm starting to see Kimberly everywhere." Gay Matt looks disturbed, most likely because he hasn't had a proper storyline in at least two years. Michael wonders if he might be cracking up: "My conscience must be bothering me." "You don't have one of those," Gay Matt wisely notes. "Well, then what is it?" Michael asks. "Why now?" That's another example of how Thomas Calabro is a total genius -- how he is completely deadpan in his acknowledgement of his lack of a conscience. He wonders if Kimberly could possibly be alive. Gay Matt assures him that it's impossible for Kimberly to be alive. Since Michael's car, you know, blew up and whatnot when he crashed it in his drunken stupor. Gay Matt's pretty sure that Michael is just stressed out: "After all, you and Sydney had a fairly exhausting courtship, right?" Yes, being blackmailed into marriage is pretty exhausting. Michael agrees that this is, in fact, true. He just needs to get some sleep and everything will be JUST FINE.

We cut to the Beverly Hills Beach Club. Jo "Kimberly Stole My Baby And I Had to Shoot James Wilder Just To Get the Kid In The First Place" Whatever-Jo's-Last-Name-Is is taking photographs of several poorly dressed models. I can't believe I didn't remember that this episode is one of the ones in which they attempt to spin off Models Inc.! It IS the best episode ever. Sadly, however, the attempt to get us interested in the boring boring Sarah Whatever Her Name Is, of whom Jo is currently snapping photos, is not particularly successful. I far prefer the storylines wherein Jo, through no fault of her own, somehow misplaces her baby. Yes, this happened more than once. Anyway, Jo is assuring Boring Model Sarah that she that she looks great, and Sarah doesn't believe her and Sarah is smart because man, does she need a blow-out and some Frizz-Ease, and also not to be wearing a babydoll dress with a pinafore over it. Poor Sarah is also clearly blissfully unaware that the untimely cancellation of Models Inc. means that her character will be stranded in a Mexican brothel for the rest of all fictional eternity. Sarah whimpers that she feels so gawky, and Jo reiterates that Sarah looks "amazing," which is impossible, because Sarah is posing with a parasol.

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