MONDO EXTRAS

Melrose Place: "The Bitch Is Back"

by Jessica October 1, 2005
Melrose Place: “The Bitch Is Back”

It continues to rain. There is thunder! And there is lightning! At the beach house! Michael is home alone, drinking beer and reading a book. The door closes in the other room. "Sydney? Sydney, you home?" Michael asks. There is silence, so he gets up to investigate the dark living room. Lightning brightens it briefly, and we see Kimberly (though Michael does not), just standing there, in the dark, staring at Michael. He turns and sees...someone. "Sydney, is that you?" he asks. He turns on the lights and illuminates...KIMBERLY. "Nice to see you again, Michael," she sort of smilingly hisses. He is stunned. As you would be, if the woman you loved whom you thought you accidentally killed in a drunk-driving accident turned up in your living room and acted like she'd been at a spa for the weekend. "Kim? Um? Is...? Um...it's really you?" he stammers. "Maybe. OR MAYBE YOU'RE GOING CRAZY," Kimberly laughs. That is so awesome. I'm going to start saying that to people when they ask me things at the office. Michael literally blinks and shakes his head, and finally she starts really laughing all crazy-like. "Of course it's me, silly. Wanna touch me and make sure I'm real?" she offers. The thunder and the lightning crash, because if there's one thing you can count on from Melrose Place, it's subtlety in the form of weather patterns. "Rumors of my death, as they say, were premature," Kimberly says, as she and Michael touch palms. Michael: "Oh my god!" Kimberly: "I lost so much time, Michael. I was in a coma for months." Me: "This dialogue is why I want to write for a soap opera. I am serious." Kimberly continues, "There's a huge gap in my life and I've come back to fill it." Michael stammers that Kimberly's mother said she was dead. "She always was a bit controlling, but that's overstepping it a little, don't you think?" Kimberly smiles. They stare at each other. "I can't believe she'd do this," Michael says. Kimberly shrugs that her mother was just trying to protect her: "She'd die if she knew I was here talking to you right now. BUT HERE I AM." That's if your mother isn't ALREADY DEAD, KIMBERLY! Although I don't actually remember if Kimberly has already killed her mother, plans to kill her mother, will ever succeed in killing her mother, or even has a mother. I feel that one of those options is a pretty decent guess, though.

Michael grabs Kimberly's face: "I've missed you. Oh, God, how I missed you. If I'd known, I'd have been there for you." Although he's a charming, smarmy bastard, I do believe him. "It's all right, really," Kimberly assures him, very very unconvincingly. Michael wonders, not surprisingly, how she's feeling. "I'm fine," Kimberly tells him. "Good as new." Oh, EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE SHE'S NOW COMPLETELY PSYCHOTIC. "Kimberly. I made mistakes. I...I'm sorry," Michael tells her. She just puts her fingers over his...eyes? That's not going to end well....and kisses him, as, of course, the lightning crashes. "Don't worry about it. I still have this," she says, producing her engagement ring. "And that means I still have you." Right. About that. "I have to tell you something," Michael starts. Kimberly suddenly grabs her head like someone is stabbing her in the scalp. "Not now. I have to go," she says. I'm also going to start trying THAT at the office. Michael can't believe she's leaving. "I have a big day at the hospital tomorrow," she tells him. "I'll see you there." She smiles very slowly. "Sleep tight," she tells him, and walks out the open sliding-glass door into the rain, her coat all billowing behind her. That was just so fucking brilliant.

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Melrose Place: "The Bitch Is Back"

by Jessica October 1, 2005
Melrose Place: “The Bitch Is Back”

It continues to rain. There is thunder! And there is lightning! At the beach house! Michael is home alone, drinking beer and reading a book. The door closes in the other room. "Sydney? Sydney, you home?" Michael asks. There is silence, so he gets up to investigate the dark living room. Lightning brightens it briefly, and we see Kimberly (though Michael does not), just standing there, in the dark, staring at Michael. He turns and sees...someone. "Sydney, is that you?" he asks. He turns on the lights and illuminates...KIMBERLY. "Nice to see you again, Michael," she sort of smilingly hisses. He is stunned. As you would be, if the woman you loved whom you thought you accidentally killed in a drunk-driving accident turned up in your living room and acted like she'd been at a spa for the weekend. "Kim? Um? Is...? Um...it's really you?" he stammers. "Maybe. OR MAYBE YOU'RE GOING CRAZY," Kimberly laughs. That is so awesome. I'm going to start saying that to people when they ask me things at the office. Michael literally blinks and shakes his head, and finally she starts really laughing all crazy-like. "Of course it's me, silly. Wanna touch me and make sure I'm real?" she offers. The thunder and the lightning crash, because if there's one thing you can count on from Melrose Place, it's subtlety in the form of weather patterns. "Rumors of my death, as they say, were premature," Kimberly says, as she and Michael touch palms. Michael: "Oh my god!" Kimberly: "I lost so much time, Michael. I was in a coma for months." Me: "This dialogue is why I want to write for a soap opera. I am serious." Kimberly continues, "There's a huge gap in my life and I've come back to fill it." Michael stammers that Kimberly's mother said she was dead. "She always was a bit controlling, but that's overstepping it a little, don't you think?" Kimberly smiles. They stare at each other. "I can't believe she'd do this," Michael says. Kimberly shrugs that her mother was just trying to protect her: "She'd die if she knew I was here talking to you right now. BUT HERE I AM." That's if your mother isn't ALREADY DEAD, KIMBERLY! Although I don't actually remember if Kimberly has already killed her mother, plans to kill her mother, will ever succeed in killing her mother, or even has a mother. I feel that one of those options is a pretty decent guess, though.

Michael grabs Kimberly's face: "I've missed you. Oh, God, how I missed you. If I'd known, I'd have been there for you." Although he's a charming, smarmy bastard, I do believe him. "It's all right, really," Kimberly assures him, very very unconvincingly. Michael wonders, not surprisingly, how she's feeling. "I'm fine," Kimberly tells him. "Good as new." Oh, EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE SHE'S NOW COMPLETELY PSYCHOTIC. "Kimberly. I made mistakes. I...I'm sorry," Michael tells her. She just puts her fingers over his...eyes? That's not going to end well....and kisses him, as, of course, the lightning crashes. "Don't worry about it. I still have this," she says, producing her engagement ring. "And that means I still have you." Right. About that. "I have to tell you something," Michael starts. Kimberly suddenly grabs her head like someone is stabbing her in the scalp. "Not now. I have to go," she says. I'm also going to start trying THAT at the office. Michael can't believe she's leaving. "I have a big day at the hospital tomorrow," she tells him. "I'll see you there." She smiles very slowly. "Sleep tight," she tells him, and walks out the open sliding-glass door into the rain, her coat all billowing behind her. That was just so fucking brilliant.

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