MONDO EXTRAS

Parents just don't understand

by Sobell February 23, 2006
Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?

The 'burbs! They're so ominous! All that sunshine and those mean, clean streets...it's positively sinister. At least, the music that begins this made-for-TV wonder would have us think that. A Jeep drives by; there are two clean-cut young men in the front, one of whom bears an uncanny resemblance to Andrew Fastow. Three women stand in the back, all of them clearly working off the direction, "Now pretend you're one of those fun girlfriends like in light beer ads!"

Oh, sweet fancy Moses, the ominous dirge has lyrics. As some Julee Cruise wannabe groans, "If I told you / the story / of my liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife," one of the light beer girls gets out of the car and heads toward her house. You can tell this movie's ten years old because her jeans shorts are a) hemmed, and b) fastened somewhere around her navel as opposed to her bikini line. It's so sweet and old-fashioned. The girl turns around and kisses the driver as Julee Snooze ululates, "Would you break dooooowwwn / in laaaaaaaughter?" Well, yes. I would.

So Blondie heads inside a house that can only be described as the antithesis of "ominous." Andrew and the rest of the Future Enronians drive off for some more good old-fashioned fun and light accounting fraud as Julee Snooze continues singing her way into perpetual singledom. We see a hand flex ominously on a steering wheel as the squeaky clean teens head off.

Inside, the blonde is undressing as she talks on a cordless phone the size of a chalupa. "Kevin Shane just dropped me off," she reports excitedly. Apparently, their tryst took place at "Splash Palace." Is that what the kids are calling it these days? We soon discover the girl has a beau whom she thinks is a big ol' drama queen, and she's planning on cutting him loose. The doorbell rings just as she's completely stripped, so she decides the only sensible thing to do is to go answer it in a barely-fastened robe.

The blonde answers the door. Julie Snooze is still puling and wailing. The blonde looks at the guy and it's evident he is Mister Dumpage. She's all, "Didn't I say I'd meet you at that public place I plan on dumping you at so you can't make a big scene?" and he's all, "Here! Have this teddy bear I'm holding by the head! That's not at all creepy!" The blonde takes the stuffed animal with the same enthusiasm I would (i.e. none), and gawps a little at the pricey bauble he's tucked onto the bear. Since Blondie is evidently won over by a little tacky Zales bling, she lets Billy follow her into the house. He is immediately all over her. She puts him off with "Not now" and the camera pulls back to a very young Ivan Sergei whining, "I can't help myself. Your body's so perfect." He's almost convincing as a horny straight teenager here.

Anyway, Billy hectors Blondie into going upstairs to snuggle. Yes. Two teens alone in the house, clearly with a sexual history, and all he wants to do is cuddle. Blondie protests, not because she may have plans to dump the drama queen later this evening, but because she is too much of a freakin' wuss to say, "Hey, Jack, this is my house. You bullied your way in, you're not listening to a goddamn word I'm saying, and I'm off to grab the chalupa-phone and dial 911 on your ass."

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Parents just don't understand

by Sobell February 23, 2006
Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?

The 'burbs! They're so ominous! All that sunshine and those mean, clean streets...it's positively sinister. At least, the music that begins this made-for-TV wonder would have us think that. A Jeep drives by; there are two clean-cut young men in the front, one of whom bears an uncanny resemblance to Andrew Fastow. Three women stand in the back, all of them clearly working off the direction, "Now pretend you're one of those fun girlfriends like in light beer ads!"

Oh, sweet fancy Moses, the ominous dirge has lyrics. As some Julee Cruise wannabe groans, "If I told you / the story / of my liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife," one of the light beer girls gets out of the car and heads toward her house. You can tell this movie's ten years old because her jeans shorts are a) hemmed, and b) fastened somewhere around her navel as opposed to her bikini line. It's so sweet and old-fashioned. The girl turns around and kisses the driver as Julee Snooze ululates, "Would you break dooooowwwn / in laaaaaaaughter?" Well, yes. I would.

So Blondie heads inside a house that can only be described as the antithesis of "ominous." Andrew and the rest of the Future Enronians drive off for some more good old-fashioned fun and light accounting fraud as Julee Snooze continues singing her way into perpetual singledom. We see a hand flex ominously on a steering wheel as the squeaky clean teens head off.

Inside, the blonde is undressing as she talks on a cordless phone the size of a chalupa. "Kevin Shane just dropped me off," she reports excitedly. Apparently, their tryst took place at "Splash Palace." Is that what the kids are calling it these days? We soon discover the girl has a beau whom she thinks is a big ol' drama queen, and she's planning on cutting him loose. The doorbell rings just as she's completely stripped, so she decides the only sensible thing to do is to go answer it in a barely-fastened robe.

The blonde answers the door. Julie Snooze is still puling and wailing. The blonde looks at the guy and it's evident he is Mister Dumpage. She's all, "Didn't I say I'd meet you at that public place I plan on dumping you at so you can't make a big scene?" and he's all, "Here! Have this teddy bear I'm holding by the head! That's not at all creepy!" The blonde takes the stuffed animal with the same enthusiasm I would (i.e. none), and gawps a little at the pricey bauble he's tucked onto the bear. Since Blondie is evidently won over by a little tacky Zales bling, she lets Billy follow her into the house. He is immediately all over her. She puts him off with "Not now" and the camera pulls back to a very young Ivan Sergei whining, "I can't help myself. Your body's so perfect." He's almost convincing as a horny straight teenager here.

Anyway, Billy hectors Blondie into going upstairs to snuggle. Yes. Two teens alone in the house, clearly with a sexual history, and all he wants to do is cuddle. Blondie protests, not because she may have plans to dump the drama queen later this evening, but because she is too much of a freakin' wuss to say, "Hey, Jack, this is my house. You bullied your way in, you're not listening to a goddamn word I'm saying, and I'm off to grab the chalupa-phone and dial 911 on your ass."

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15Next

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See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

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