MONDO EXTRAS

Parents just don't understand

by Sobell February 23, 2006
Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?

So despite her protests that it's too hot upstairs, Billy and his long-sleeved denim jacket appear perfectly comfortable. The two are in her room, there's more awkward groping wherein he's all, "Yes, I'm so into girls!" and then he looks up and utters this line: "My pictures, my poems -- why'd you take them down?" Blondie lies through her teeth and claims it's because she's planning to redecorate. Then Billy gets pushy as he snarls, "You're not a very good liar!" Honey, don't even call 911. Clock him with the chalupa-phone, then take off.

Blondie does manage to shove him to the ground and tell him to go. Billy elects not to listen. Instead he throws a big jealous hissy that boils down to, "All I ever hear is Kevin Shane, Kevin Shane, Kevin Shane!" They're in the kitchen, and Blondie is o-v-e-r it. She summons a look of perfect disgust and orders him to go. Billy whines that he's talking to her, and then stammers, "If you don't love me, then why did you make love to me?" Blondie scoffs that the lovemaking was all in Billy's head. Instead of trying to clear his head, he elects to clear a counter.

Blondie then makes the fatal mistake of screaming that she's calling the police, instead of merely doing so and then trying to get out of there. Billy subdues her with a cutting board, then beats her to death with it. I can't help but think that this would have turned out differently today: she would have broken up with him by text message, he would have opened a LiveJournal account and written countless entries about his pain, interspersed with transcriptions of John Mayer lyrics, and there would be no need for the messy after-murder clean-up. Or for the Julee Snooze.

We then fade out, so we can fade back in to a college campus-looking building and the serif font, "Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?" A writer's idea of a college lecture is taking place -- nobody is sleeping, nobody is guzzling a Mountain Dew -- and the entire thematic contents of this movie are disgorged. Oh, you clever writers, with your "irony"! It's so funny how Tori Spelling can talk about how women are punished for their autonomy and independence shortly before spending 90 minutes being punished for her autonomy and independence.

So then Tori sprints from class. Because this is 1996, baggy track suits haven't been invented yet, so she's be-spandexed, the better for us to admire the way her ribs have been removed to give her torso that extra-narrow silhouette. As she's fake-running along (hint to Tori: actual track runners lift their knees when running), some lad I will simply dub "Piney" for his obvious and unfulfilled crush on La Tori attempts to flag her down. We find out that Tori is an overscheduled overachiever, and that's really handy for blowing off Piney. Also, she's just started seeing someone.

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Parents just don't understand

by Sobell February 23, 2006
Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?

So despite her protests that it's too hot upstairs, Billy and his long-sleeved denim jacket appear perfectly comfortable. The two are in her room, there's more awkward groping wherein he's all, "Yes, I'm so into girls!" and then he looks up and utters this line: "My pictures, my poems -- why'd you take them down?" Blondie lies through her teeth and claims it's because she's planning to redecorate. Then Billy gets pushy as he snarls, "You're not a very good liar!" Honey, don't even call 911. Clock him with the chalupa-phone, then take off.

Blondie does manage to shove him to the ground and tell him to go. Billy elects not to listen. Instead he throws a big jealous hissy that boils down to, "All I ever hear is Kevin Shane, Kevin Shane, Kevin Shane!" They're in the kitchen, and Blondie is o-v-e-r it. She summons a look of perfect disgust and orders him to go. Billy whines that he's talking to her, and then stammers, "If you don't love me, then why did you make love to me?" Blondie scoffs that the lovemaking was all in Billy's head. Instead of trying to clear his head, he elects to clear a counter.

Blondie then makes the fatal mistake of screaming that she's calling the police, instead of merely doing so and then trying to get out of there. Billy subdues her with a cutting board, then beats her to death with it. I can't help but think that this would have turned out differently today: she would have broken up with him by text message, he would have opened a LiveJournal account and written countless entries about his pain, interspersed with transcriptions of John Mayer lyrics, and there would be no need for the messy after-murder clean-up. Or for the Julee Snooze.

We then fade out, so we can fade back in to a college campus-looking building and the serif font, "Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?" A writer's idea of a college lecture is taking place -- nobody is sleeping, nobody is guzzling a Mountain Dew -- and the entire thematic contents of this movie are disgorged. Oh, you clever writers, with your "irony"! It's so funny how Tori Spelling can talk about how women are punished for their autonomy and independence shortly before spending 90 minutes being punished for her autonomy and independence.

So then Tori sprints from class. Because this is 1996, baggy track suits haven't been invented yet, so she's be-spandexed, the better for us to admire the way her ribs have been removed to give her torso that extra-narrow silhouette. As she's fake-running along (hint to Tori: actual track runners lift their knees when running), some lad I will simply dub "Piney" for his obvious and unfulfilled crush on La Tori attempts to flag her down. We find out that Tori is an overscheduled overachiever, and that's really handy for blowing off Piney. Also, she's just started seeing someone.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15Next

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See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

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Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

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