MONDO EXTRAS

Movie Awards On Other Networks

MTV has been offering viewers its take on the movies for years now. But why should one cable network that has nothing whatsoever to do with movies hog all the cinematic fun? TWoP has recovered press releases from other cable networks that plan to follow suit with their own movie awards ceremonies, honoring otherwise unsung film events, from smoker's hacks to soulful flamenco guitars and beyond!

A&E
Los Angeles...the city of dreams. For some, those dreams will come true...at The A&E Movie Awards. At the Arts & Entertainment Network -- where "Arts" means "British people" and "Entertainment" means a smorgasbord of true-crime-related programming served with a cornflake topping of deprofanitized pay-cable shows -- we seek to honor the best of the best in those film fields over the past year, with not one, but three categories devoted to triumph in the accents of United Kingdom and its former territories; honors in the field of true-crime reporting, including Best Packing On Of Weight By A Retired Detective and Best Use Of The Word "Tawdry" In A Judgmental Voice-Over; and the coveted Best Costume Design That Substitutes For Plot, presented by Sofia Coppola and Marc Jacobs. Dominick Dunne will host the first five minutes, and Bill Kurtis will shepherd the audience sonorously through the remainder of the program, as A&E pays homage to the silver screen with a selection of honors as arbitrary as its primetime schedule.

Discovery Health
The Discovery Health Channel, your basic-cable destination for close-ups of dangerous surgeries, recognizes the accomplishments of the unsung artists of film at the upcoming Discovery Health Realistic Effects Awards. The few, the proud, the careful mixers of credible blood can look forward to receiving official recognition in categories devoted to makeup (Best Disarticulated Limb; Best Suppurating Wound), Foley design (Best Smoker's Hack; Best Off-Screen Vomiting), and visual effects (Best Conjoined Twins; Outstanding Achievement In Arterial Spray). Join host Anthony Edwards ("Dr. Mark Greene") as he salutes the masters of movie horror. Musical performances by Dr. John and The Cramps -- no insurance necessary!

The Game Show Network
If Richard Dawson ever consented to emerge from seclusion, he'd do it for this -- the Gs, GSN's own cinema achievement awards. It's the same old awards-show game you know and love -- statuettes, fatuous speeches, Versace tuxedos, the works -- but with a twist: nominees must match film-trivia answers with a panel of six celebrity judges before accepting their 18-carat gold-plated miniature dinette sets. Who will win Best Performance By A Game-Show Host As Himself In A Dream Sequence, or The Lingo Memorial Award For Energy Conservation In Lighting Design? That depends...on how much Dave Coulier knows about the works of Truffaut! Watch Jennifer Flavin, Mike Lookinland, Philip Michael Thomas, Tina Yothers, Louie Anderson, and Coulier trade quips about tushies with host Bob Eubanks -- and try to help Nicolas Cage win a third straight Hairpiece Of The Year Award. It's a montage of fun!

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Movie Awards On Other Networks

MTV has been offering viewers its take on the movies for years now. But why should one cable network that has nothing whatsoever to do with movies hog all the cinematic fun? TWoP has recovered press releases from other cable networks that plan to follow suit with their own movie awards ceremonies, honoring otherwise unsung film events, from smoker's hacks to soulful flamenco guitars and beyond!

A&E
Los Angeles...the city of dreams. For some, those dreams will come true...at The A&E Movie Awards. At the Arts & Entertainment Network -- where "Arts" means "British people" and "Entertainment" means a smorgasbord of true-crime-related programming served with a cornflake topping of deprofanitized pay-cable shows -- we seek to honor the best of the best in those film fields over the past year, with not one, but three categories devoted to triumph in the accents of United Kingdom and its former territories; honors in the field of true-crime reporting, including Best Packing On Of Weight By A Retired Detective and Best Use Of The Word "Tawdry" In A Judgmental Voice-Over; and the coveted Best Costume Design That Substitutes For Plot, presented by Sofia Coppola and Marc Jacobs. Dominick Dunne will host the first five minutes, and Bill Kurtis will shepherd the audience sonorously through the remainder of the program, as A&E pays homage to the silver screen with a selection of honors as arbitrary as its primetime schedule.

Discovery Health
The Discovery Health Channel, your basic-cable destination for close-ups of dangerous surgeries, recognizes the accomplishments of the unsung artists of film at the upcoming Discovery Health Realistic Effects Awards. The few, the proud, the careful mixers of credible blood can look forward to receiving official recognition in categories devoted to makeup (Best Disarticulated Limb; Best Suppurating Wound), Foley design (Best Smoker's Hack; Best Off-Screen Vomiting), and visual effects (Best Conjoined Twins; Outstanding Achievement In Arterial Spray). Join host Anthony Edwards ("Dr. Mark Greene") as he salutes the masters of movie horror. Musical performances by Dr. John and The Cramps -- no insurance necessary!

The Game Show Network
If Richard Dawson ever consented to emerge from seclusion, he'd do it for this -- the Gs, GSN's own cinema achievement awards. It's the same old awards-show game you know and love -- statuettes, fatuous speeches, Versace tuxedos, the works -- but with a twist: nominees must match film-trivia answers with a panel of six celebrity judges before accepting their 18-carat gold-plated miniature dinette sets. Who will win Best Performance By A Game-Show Host As Himself In A Dream Sequence, or The Lingo Memorial Award For Energy Conservation In Lighting Design? That depends...on how much Dave Coulier knows about the works of Truffaut! Watch Jennifer Flavin, Mike Lookinland, Philip Michael Thomas, Tina Yothers, Louie Anderson, and Coulier trade quips about tushies with host Bob Eubanks -- and try to help Nicolas Cage win a third straight Hairpiece Of The Year Award. It's a montage of fun!

1 2Next

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