Ah, the MTV Movie Awards. Not only are you a time capsule of my youth (because I always feel old watching them now), but you're a time capsule of one year ago, when most of the movies nominated actually came out. Seriously, does anyone really care who wins these anymore? They're all out on DVD already. Granted, I'm happy to see Iron Man and Dark Knight finally get nominated for Best Picture, but against Twilight and HSM3? And if these are just movies that teenagers care about, then why did Kate Winslet get nominated for The Reader, and why did Slumdog Millionaire get nominated for everything? Did anyone really think kids would vote for "Jai Ho" as best song? I probably would have tried to watch the show anyway, since Samberg was hosting, and his mad digital shorts skillz and songwriting would lend itself well to the ceremony's history of parody, but instead, Samberg did the standard host duties with a couple of Lonely Island gems sprinkled in. Aside from a few moments of true comedy, it was pretty lackluster. Oh, well. We still love you, Andy. Without further ado, here's the recap of the night.
9:00 -- Looks like we're kicking things off with a Billy Crystal-esque movie mash-up, now with 100% more Andy Samberg! Andy gets locked in an outhouse by a kid from Slumdog, and he dives into feces holding a picture of Sarah Jessica Parker, for some reason. He then walks into the classroom in Twilight smelling like crap; he stands in front of a fan, and Edward almost throws up and leaves. Then Taylor Swift asks him to prom, and Andy calls her a perv and runs out. He walks into Kate Winslet's apartment in The Reader and they trade quips, then Winslet gives him a bath and gets ready to hook up with him. He's game, but he's teleported out pre-hookup to the Star Trek transporter room (naked) by Aziz Ansari, the ship's activities coordinator. Ansari does his awesome thing, and Andy is then beamed into Justin Timberlake's limo, and it's awkward. He climbs naked over JT to get out, prompting JT to tell him that his "penis looks like Fergie from the Black-Eyed Peas." Is there a Fergie/JT feud I don't know about? Or is that a compliment?
9:05 -- Andy starts things off with a fart joke, like you do, saying it's okay to fart in here, especially Leighton Meester. No punching, but Kiefer Sutherland can punch whomever he wants. Play-off music will be an Internet meme, cats playing keyboards. He then raps, which comes off sounding a little like his too-white SNL character "The Blizzard Man," and hits on Megan Fox, which I'm tired of. Nerdy celebs fake-hitting on hot celebs at awards shows needs to be done. He makes up for it by rapping at Fred Armisen that he needs to go to rehab, and he gets Fred's family and Dr. Phil to show up to help. Then he makes Cameron Diaz dances a little. It's like an SNL digital short gone horribly right.