9:33 -- Samberg, dressed as Bruce Springsteen, sings a song called "Cool Guys Don't Look at Explosions" and shows a montage of action stars walking away from explosions. It's not the best song ever, but it is the best montage. Ever. Will Ferrell dresses up as Neil Diamond to sing along, and J.J. Abrams does a keyboard solo wearing a ridiculous jacket. This is what happens when you're Andy Samberg and you have the power of a God. (Or, the power of the MTV marketing machine.)
9:35 -- After yet another "I'm a geeky Hollywood star, so I own a blow-up doll of you that I have sex with"-type joke (what did I just say?), Jonah Hill and Vanessa Hudgens present the Breakthrough Performance (Male) nominees: Dev Patel, Taylor Lautner, Bobb'e J. Thompson, Ben Barnes and Robert Pattinson. Pattinson is the inevitable winner, despite the fact that he broke through a few years ago as Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter: and the Goblet of Fire. I feel so ahead of the curve! Pattinson says this is the last award he will accept, because he needs to take a crap. Classy!
9:44 -- Sacha Baron Cohen's Bruno comes out on a harness high above the audience, wearing angel wings and a thong, but he comes partially unhooked halfway down, and is lowered unceremoniously onto Eminem, so his crotch is right in Eminem's face. (Eminem: "Are you serious?") As Em's crew pries him off, Bruno shouts out that Zac Efron has won Best Male Performance for High School Musical 3. Efron looks confused, but takes the stage and says that that was weird, but thanks. Eminem leaves. He looks pissed. Why does he even come to these things anymore? Where's Triumph to get in his face as he leaves?
9:47 -- Emma Watson, Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint present a sneak peek at Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. It's the scene where Harry watches the memory of hippie Dumbledore first meeting Kid Voldemort at the orphanage. If you want to nurture a troubled young wizard and keep him from going down a dark path, is setting his wardrobe on fire really the way to do it?
9:50 -- Man, Year One looks pretty funny. David Cross punching Paul Rudd is the best thing ever.
9:54 -- Andy introduces the winner of Sexiest Sound Editor, who tells everyone to suck his "golden popcorn dick." He can say that on TV? They were bleeping Eminem left and right, but I guess he was saying much worse things than "dick."
9:55 -- After Ryan Reynolds pretty much calls Sandra Bullock a man, and Bullock acts like a confused old lady (which she kinda is now. I guess?), they present the nominees for Best Kiss: Penn/Franco, McAvoy/Jolie, Stewart/Pattinson, Patel/Pinto, Hudgens/Efron, and Rudd/Lennon. Stewart and Pattinson win, then act like they're about to make out, then don't, and we're supposed to be all disappointed. They're dating in real life, right? They couldn't give the fans a little PDA?