Do you love movies? Then you probably watched a movie last night, rather than watching the MTV Movie Awards. Luckily, TWoP was there to record every Tom Cruise appearance, every Twilight win, every awkward Kristen Stewart speech, most of the Jersey Shore cutaways, every censor mistake and every nominee that hasn't been released in theaters yet. That's right, the show honored movies released between May of last year and next month, making this a walk down memory lane and a relentless marketing machine as well as a blatant popularity contest.
9:00 - After quick shots of Taylor Lautner, Robert Pattinson and Betty White -- the three hottest people in Hollywood today, as crazy as that sounds -- we get a taped introduction by Tom Cruise as Les Grossman, the monstrous Hollywood producer from Tropic Thunder! Remember that movie? From 2008? No? Huh. Well, Grossman thinks of movies as a marriage of picture and sound, and his job is to get them drunk and make them fuck. And his latest creation is this very awards show! I wouldn't brag about that, Mr. Grossman.
We then see Grossman (with Bill Hader in character as his back-up man) pitch Lautner and Pattinson on a movie called Bad-Ass Cops and brag about his matching Michael Cera bookends (which are simply Michael Cera holding a stack of books). We also see him face off against Jaden Smith as father Will looks on, which gives us the scene that makes this entire sketch worthwhile -- Jaden breaking Tom Cruise's arm. We would pay money to see a movie where Jaden kicks the snot out of Tom Cruise, as long as it also had his dad calling for an "ambolance." Comedy gold.
9:04 - After a rundown of the entertainers we'll see tonight -- plus Shaun White, who somehow keeps getting invited to these things -- we get the traditional awards show opening sketch, in which the host inserts himself into recent movies. Except Aziz Ansari starts out by evicting the kid from The Blind Side and taking his bed, then he has a dream where he plays at being Gabourey Sidibe in Precious. While these could have been funny in a shocking way in the right hands, here they just make Ansari look like more of a dick than his onstage persona already suggests. Then Justin Bieber warms up the crowd for him by... drying his hair? Again? Tween girls will get turned on by literally anything.