MTV VMAs 2009: Time to Feel Old
Why are you watching this? True Blood and Mad Men are on! I should have to suffer this alone!
9:00: You know how Michael Jackson died months ago, and we've already had many, many tributes to him, and while it took months to bury him, he was finally laid to rest and now we've all thoroughly moved on? Well, MTV doesn't know about that. Madonna's here to intro the night's superfluous tribute. She's telling a very long, involved, self-serving story about how she went on a date with Michael Jackson one time a couple decades ago and then forgot about him and felt guilty when he died because of all that time she spent forgetting about him and not trying to help dig him out of his nightmare life of mental illness and pet monkeys. Anyway, I'm choosing to focus on Madonna's hair, which totally has a Bump It in it. Also, Pete Wentz appears to be praying. For it to be over.
9:04: This shit is still happening. "Lynch mob???" Madonna just called the media a lynch mob! Don't go there, white lady! Also, stop trying to remind me that Michael Jackson was a human being. You're Madonna. I'm me. If any of the two us is an authority on authentic humanity, it's... probably not you, you Bump It monster. And the words "children," "crotch grabbing" and "Michael Jackson" just entered the same sentence, but it's not like the VMAs has a copy editor hanging around to catch unfortunate things like this.
9:07: It is time for the dance portion of the Michael Jackson tribute. A bunch of really good dancers are all running out in iconic Michael costumes, dancing to "Thriller," "Bad," all the hits, while a giant jumbotron behind them plays the awesome original videos. It's pretty cool, actually. For a minute I thought the dancer in the front was Frankmusik for some reason and got really excited, but he's just some dancer guy. I don't know why I thought that. Frankmusik doesn't dance! And he's not even very famous here!
9:09: Solange loves it.
9:11: "Scream" just came on the jumbotron. Guess it's Janet time. There she is! She is doing all the dances, and she's wearing a weird tablecloth/culottes kind of thing. And is it just me, or does Janet's track sound... unfortunate? Anyway, the cool part is that they have her dancing in front of a video with Michael on one side behind her, and her mirroring him on the other, just like when they were in the video together.