MONDO EXTRAS

Not a bad trick. Say what you want about all her gross plastic surgery and lack of recent hits, Janet can dance.

9:12: Well that's over with.

9:13: Now Katy Perry is covering Queen with Joe Perry on guitar and a massive camel toe. I don't know which part I find most objectionable. Full disclosure, though, I kind of like Katy's voice right now? Man. I hate myself real bad for that.

9:14: That whole thing was just to introduce Russell Brand, who has just had quite the dramatic entrance on a raised platform behind Katy and Joe. I cannot express to you how much I wish he weren't hosting this thing, but I'm also aware that this show is so not made for me. I'm going to try to lay off him a little and assume I'm just too damn old at 86 years young to get it.

9:16: "VMA Awards" is redundant, Mr. Brand, and saying it 50 times per broadcast doesn't make it any less so.

9:18: Still hasn't been a commercial break. Russell Brand is making jokes about whatever the fuck. He's addressing the JoBros (who, tellingly, are not there. Don't know what's up with that.) purity ring debacle from last year, like anyone cares.

9:19: Oh, right. Lady Gaga? Looks like a Labyrinth villain. Oh! Brand is bringing up the hermaphrodite rumors! Maybe he is awesome! Except that the punchline is that he wants to fuck her? Clever.

9:21: Seat filler fail. The front row has been empty all show.

9:21: Ooh, Wale is the house band. OK, the thing with the house band playing in and out of commercial is kind of stupid and pointless, but Wale is awesome, and an artist like him would never get to have a proper performance on this show, so I'm glad he's getting some exposure, even if it is essentially worthless exposure.

9:22: First award of the night. Shakira and Taylor Lautner are here to present! They were paired because they have howling at the moon and whatnot in common. Shakira's got some awesomely trashy hooker boots on and looks unjustly gorgeous as usual. Apparently Pink is wearing the same dress and it was quite the scandal on the red carpet. Anyway, Best Female Video time. Nominees: Gaga, Kelly Clarkson, Beyonce, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry (oddly for "Hot N Cold," and not "Waking Up in Vegas," which is actually a great video, as much as I hate her), and Pink.