MTV VMAs 2009: Time to Feel Old
9:24: All the kiddies must've rallied, because Taylor Swift won. She's cute, but she can't sing and her songs are terrible. She's just a kid, though! Why am I being such a monster? Aww, she's pretending like this is a real award. I guess that's endearing. It's a hell of a lot more than I would do.
9:25: Whoa! Kanye is on stage! Kanye stole the mic! He's saying Taylor Swift shouldn't have beaten Beyonce! Wait, what? Now we're cutting to some Tracy Morgan in bed thing. He's calling Eminem and asking him about making him a Best New Artist. That was totally unplanned then! I thought Kanye was all about not being an asshat these days? I mean, he's right, Taylor shouldn't have beaten Beyonce, duh, but yikes, what a jackass. Poor kid. Anyway, the Tracy Morgan thing is awful and will be happening all night, but the bottom line is Em and Tra are reminding us all to text our votes for Best New Artist. Nominees: Kid Cudi; the unstoppable, massive Drake; my arch-nemesis Asher Roth; and Lady Gaga. It should be Kid Cudi, but I know better than to underestimate the Gaga.
9:33: Hey, we finally had a commercial break! Jesus, I thought I was gonna die. Now Jack Black and Blair Waldorf are coming onstage to present Best Rock Video. This should be awkward. Oh Jesus, Jack's dressed as his Brutal Legend character. JLo looks massively entertained. Jack Black is requesting devil horns and a "Metal! Metal!" chant. You know what? Leighton has kind of a reputation for being an asshole, but she's being an admirably good sport right now. I mean, this sucks. Anyway, nominees are: Coldplay (HAHA!), Fall Out Boy, Green Day, Kings of Leon and Paramore. Obviously, Paramore won. Whoa! Typed that before it was announced! It's actually Green Day! Guess MTV.com had better bot control this year than usual. I don't give a shit about Green Day anymore, but it's awesome that they just slayed the Twilight dragon.
9:38: Oh hey, it's iCarly and that YouTube kid Justin Bieber (who majorly disrupted life at the TWoP offices the other day by hosting a signing across the street from us. The screams, you guys. THE SCREAMS! It was the sounds of genocide out there.), presenting some Taylor Swift performance. Cut to a pre-taped performance with Taylor on a subway platform, performing "You Belong With Me." This is really stupid, but she's just been through a shitty thing, so I'll chill.