MTV VMAs 2009: Time to Feel Old

by Mindy Monez September 14, 2009
MTV VMAs 2009: Time to Feel Old 9:42: You know how I know I'm old? During that entire performance all I could think of was "Oh god, can you imagine how much all of that would cost?!"

9:47: 3Oh!3 is house banding "Don't Trust Me," the most deplorable song in the world, with Wale right now. Weird because most people know this as "the Helen Keller song," and they're not even singing that part. Also all of the "ho's" in "Don't trust a ho!" are bleeped out. They're really charming boys.

9:48: Pete Wentz and the Cobra Starship guy (save the e-mails, please, Starship super fans), introducing Lady Gaga's performance. They're pretending a chandelier broke and running away from it likes it's a damn freight train.

9:49: I hope you're not high right now, because this shit is going to give you the paranoids. There's ballet and feathers and a broken chandelier and Gaga lip-synching to a track that's some actually pretty convincing legit singing. A wheelchair is involved. It is a mental institution mansion masquerade ball performance. I don't know. What do I look like, professor fetish party? Gaga's just so phony and intentionally weird. Anybody could just go out there and do this. Though I suppose it could be argued that she's sort of Andy Kaufman-y that way. Not that I would argue that, ever. ZOMG! Mark! From So You Think You Can Dance 4 is one of her dancers!!! This just got WAY better. Aaand now she's bleeding everywhere. Now she's dead. The end. I mean, I know this is so weird and what everyone's going to be talking about after the show, but it's just so disingenuous that I'm unfazed.

9:53: Back in seven minutes! Awesome!

9:59: Another Best New Artist skit. Tracy Morgan's on a treadmill. Eminem is also there. I love Tracy, of course, but is there a point to this? That doesn't seem to be the point.

10:01: Gaga's back in the audience, wearing a blood red, spun-sugar crown mask. You know, those.

10:01: Russell Brand is so painfully unfunny I actually miss Gaga right now.

10:02: Nelly Furtado and Kristin Cavallari are onstage now. That's cool. I miss Nelly Furtado. Jesus, they're still talking about Michael Jackson? Oh well, it was brief. Best Pop Video time: "Single Ladies," Gaga, Britney, the Cobra Starship atrocity with Blair Waldorf, and Wisin Y Yandel, who no one in my apartment recognized, but they're actually a really big deal in the Latin music world. I'm a sassy Latina. I know these things.

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