Contrary to what many movie fans believe, the Oscars are not selected by six thousand-plus Academy members based on arcane rationales and long-established grudges -- you know, like, "Blankety-blank must win Best Actor because he's had a great career and he's ill" or "We'll give it to so-and-so because she's Hollywood royalty and we want to promote her fledgling career" or "The winner is Marisa Tomei -- whoops, I read the wrong name! Oh well, too late now."

That, of course, is absurd. In reality, the Academy Award winners are picked by five clones of Karl Malden.

Yes, that's right: the Oscar winners are selected by a shadowy secret council that consists of five immortal clones of the longtime Hollywood insider, one-time Academy president, former American Express pitchman and distinctively schnozzed movie star Karl Malden.

This Hollywood Star Chamber convenes in a fortified chamber buried deep beneath the Hollywood sign, where they start each meeting by instructing a large, well-muscled Samoan named Brett to bang a large gong. Then they decide who wins what, basing their selections on arcane rationales and long-established grudges. Also cognac. A lot of cognac.

Come closer, dear reader! Listen in on the deliberations of this secretive -- and surprisingly horny -- collective! Learn the bizarre rituals by which Hollywood's most powerful regents bestow the industry's most treasured awards! Receive the valuable wisdom hereby proffered to you! And use it to totally crush your friends in your Oscar pool.

Let the meeting begin!

GONG!

Malden #1: Thank you, Brett. Gentlemen, as you are well aware, this year we face a terrible crisis at the Oscars.

Malden #2: Jennifer Lopez is wearing that dress again?

Malden #3: Jennifer Lopez is insisting that her husband, what's his name, has to co-present with her?

Malden #4: His name is Marco Polo.

Malden #5: No, it's Marcus Aurelius.

#1: No, it's Marc Anthony, and with his sultry eyes and velvet voice he's the Latin world's hottest export since the Muy Caliente Jalapeno Poppers at Applebee's. But enough about that! That is not of what I speak.

#2: Okay, Yoda. Don't get your panties in a twist.

#4: More like don't PUT your panties ON a twist. Oh wait -- too late! That's right! I said it!

#3: [singing] Someone's in the kitchen with a transsexual prostitute named Dinah! Someone's in the kitchen I kno-o-o-ow!

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Contrary to what many movie fans believe, the Oscars are not selected by six thousand-plus Academy members based on arcane rationales and long-established grudges -- you know, like, "Blankety-blank must win Best Actor because he's had a great career and he's ill" or "We'll give it to so-and-so because she's Hollywood royalty and we want to promote her fledgling career" or "The winner is Marisa Tomei -- whoops, I read the wrong name! Oh well, too late now."

That, of course, is absurd. In reality, the Academy Award winners are picked by five clones of Karl Malden.

Yes, that's right: the Oscar winners are selected by a shadowy secret council that consists of five immortal clones of the longtime Hollywood insider, one-time Academy president, former American Express pitchman and distinctively schnozzed movie star Karl Malden.

This Hollywood Star Chamber convenes in a fortified chamber buried deep beneath the Hollywood sign, where they start each meeting by instructing a large, well-muscled Samoan named Brett to bang a large gong. Then they decide who wins what, basing their selections on arcane rationales and long-established grudges. Also cognac. A lot of cognac.

Come closer, dear reader! Listen in on the deliberations of this secretive -- and surprisingly horny -- collective! Learn the bizarre rituals by which Hollywood's most powerful regents bestow the industry's most treasured awards! Receive the valuable wisdom hereby proffered to you! And use it to totally crush your friends in your Oscar pool.

Let the meeting begin!

GONG!

Malden #1: Thank you, Brett. Gentlemen, as you are well aware, this year we face a terrible crisis at the Oscars.

Malden #2: Jennifer Lopez is wearing that dress again?

Malden #3: Jennifer Lopez is insisting that her husband, what's his name, has to co-present with her?

Malden #4: His name is Marco Polo.

Malden #5: No, it's Marcus Aurelius.

#1: No, it's Marc Anthony, and with his sultry eyes and velvet voice he's the Latin world's hottest export since the Muy Caliente Jalapeno Poppers at Applebee's. But enough about that! That is not of what I speak.

#2: Okay, Yoda. Don't get your panties in a twist.

#4: More like don't PUT your panties ON a twist. Oh wait -- too late! That's right! I said it!

#3: [singing] Someone's in the kitchen with a transsexual prostitute named Dinah! Someone's in the kitchen I kno-o-o-ow!

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8Next