#3: "Tails"! Nice! I see what you did there!
[Malden #1 flips a coin.]
#1: It's heads.
#4: Blow-jobs for everyone!
#1: You weren't listening, you idiot. So the Oscar goes to Javier Bardem. Who's next?
#3: Best Supporting Actress.
#1: Is Cate Blanchett in there? Let's pick her.
#5: Of course she's in there. She's in there every year. But we already gave her an Oscar a few years back.
#1: I don't care! Let's give it to her again. She's so hot. She can be my Virgin Queen -- for three minutes, at least. Then she'd just be my Queen. If you get my meaning. Minus the virgin.
#2 & #3 & #4 & #5: Nice, well-played, the art of the double-entendre at its best, etc.
#5: But what about Saoirse Ronan?
#3: Yeah, I'd like to --
#3: But I was just going to --
#2: NO! Don't say it!
#3: More like Abonement --
#2: NO! For the love of Pete! She's only thirteen!
#3: Oh. I swear I didn't know, Officer.
#5: She's Irish. Her first name means "freedom."
#1: Yeah -- freedom from winning an Oscar. Next!
#5: Tilda Swinton was excellent in Michael Clayton.
#4: And Ruby Dee was great in American Gangster.
#1: Seriously, why don't you just pour ice water down my pants? Come on, people! We need eye candy -- now more than ever! Plunging necklines distract from plunging economies! We're giving it to Cate Blanchett. And for the record, Brett, please note that "giving it" was said in a lascivious tone, as to indicate intercourse. Next!
#2: Best Actress.
#1: If only Cate Blanchett was nominated in this category too.
#5: She is.
#1: Perfect! Done!
#3: But Marion Cotillard was pretty great in La Vie En Rose.
#1: Sure. And maybe she'd win, if these were called "Les Oscars." Parlez-vous better luck next year?
#2: I told you we should have renamed these the Freedom Awards. Frenchies, go home! Wait -- not you, hired prostitute in a French maid's costume.
#4: There's also Ellen Page from Juno.
#1: Remind me?
#4: She played the rascally teen who gets pregnant by accident, then learns the hard way about life and love, all the while retaining her sassy demeanour and amazing facility with slightly-overwritten repartee.