Matt Zoller Seitz: So George Clooney might have the best red carpet persona of anybody alive -- charismatic but totally self-deprecating. Regis Philbin sucked up to him by saying people used to want to be Clark Gable, now they want to be George Clooney. Clooney said, "That's because he's dead, and nobody wants to be dead."
Joe R: Oh, Clooney. I wonder how much we, as a people, would let him get away with. Because I think the answer is: a lot.
MZS: Yeah, Clooney could pull your heart out of your chest, Mola-Ram style, and if you called him on it, he'd go, "Oh, what...this? I'll get this back to you.
MZS: With a normal haircut and awards show clothes, Javier Bardem looks like he could be Robert Downey, Jr.'s Spanish brother.
Sars: What's up, my peeps?
MZS: Not much. I just put the boy to bed. My daughter is going over the list of nominees. Just now she said, "'Sharkwater' isn't nominated for best documentary? That sucks."
Joe R: She needs to be filling out my Oscar pool ballot.
MZS: She just saw that Enchanted was up in best actress and song, so that tamped down her ire a bit.
Joe R: Not Best Actress, unfortunately.
MZS: Oh, cripes, that's right -- I guess it was just song, then.
Joe R: All three of 'em.
MZS: The pre-show hostess just called Juno "The little indie film that could." It's not an indie film. It was a product of Fox Searchlight, Fox's boutique division. The "Juno is an indie film" voodoo is working, apparently.
Joe R: But it's got indie attitude, Matt. Hamburger phone! Homeskillet!
MZS: Helen Mirren just said, "The roles often aren't good for the women, but the roles for the men are wonderful." She calls Hollywood out on that pretty much every year. It's true, unfortunately.
Joe R: Oh, our first Bjork moment of the night. Thanks, Mrs. Day-Lewis and your shoulder-ribbons and decoupaged mirror-glass neck-piece!
MZS: She seems to have poinsettias taped to her collarbones.
Joe R: Cameron Diaz has no fans in the room, FYI. She would totally lose a Zogby poll death match with Amy Adams right now.
MZS: Amy Adams would sic pigeons and roaches on her.
Joe R: Okay, these fans who show up on the red carpet...wouldn't you be happier in a living room among friends and booze?
MZS: The Oscar ticket lottery winner guy looks like he's dressed to work at a shoe store in 1982.
Sars: In West Hollywood.