MONDO EXTRAS

When You're Here, You're Mistreated Like Family

by Jacob Clifton August 14, 2005
Pizza My Heart

So somehow the IHOP people are now next door at the Montebellos, and there is a speech which is either identical or complementary to the speech we just heard; I can't remember word for word and we're not going back at this point. They're so alike in lack of dignity that I'm sure there's no major point to be made in alterations to the speeches anyway. So everybody moans and groans again, and then over the wall, Papa Prestolani plugs in a radio and blows the stupid generator again. Hilariously, THOSE BALLOONS ARE STILL IN THE TREE as the sparks fly, which is hilarious, because it's been weeks and those Mylar things die within minutes.

So the alarm goes off at the Montebellos', and Jean Paul immediately freaks out on everybody and summons the heads of both families and requests a "Switzerland" where the families won't fight. They go to the church, even though that's…also where they fight. The priest bitches openly about what assholes they are, and that part's kind of awesome.

Gina comes into the church and Joe is totally cold to her, but she honestly doesn't try all that hard. Carlo has the nerve to look angry at him, and it seems like it's kind of on her behalf. She's carrying an obvious manila envelope full of photographs. And love. And possibly recipes.

Jean Paul explains that he can only "get into bed with one" of the families, and the priest ahems, like that's not ridiculous, and he amends it to "go into business." In a week, he will choose one family, based on their "overall pizza," but in that time there will no fighting, no sneaking, and no bullshit. I'm so sure, Jean Paul.

"Speak now or forever hold your peace," the priest randomly says, and the families look at each other all sneaky, and things are really confused symbolically right now, because I think they just married a French guy. Immediately Carlo demands that he be the one allowed to make the new, awesomer sauce for the winning Prestolani pizza. Papa P kisses Carlo wetly -- for like the eighth time -- and is promised the "best damn pizza in Verona" (shouldn't that be the "better than best damn pizza"?) as Amy Fisher looks on, apparently jealous of the man we so recently learned was her father, getting to kiss Carlo every single second she turns her head.

At the Montebellos', Guido in his lovely track suit brings the envelope of photos to Jomeo, having opened and investigated them when he found them outside, at whatever point Gina was able to drop them off without anybody seeing her, and then spouts some sensitive word crimes about how you can tell by looking at the photos that Gina is in love with Jomeo. He admits to missing her, and Guido gets weird in this mixed-metaphor way about how Jomeo cultivates the tomatoes on the vine, and smells them, but Jomeo is never happy, because he is looking for the perfect tomato, and all along the perfect tomato has been growing next door. So he's been cultivating girls and smelling them when they are ripe, and that's what doesn't make him happy?

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When You're Here, You're Mistreated Like Family

by Jacob Clifton August 14, 2005
Pizza My Heart

So somehow the IHOP people are now next door at the Montebellos, and there is a speech which is either identical or complementary to the speech we just heard; I can't remember word for word and we're not going back at this point. They're so alike in lack of dignity that I'm sure there's no major point to be made in alterations to the speeches anyway. So everybody moans and groans again, and then over the wall, Papa Prestolani plugs in a radio and blows the stupid generator again. Hilariously, THOSE BALLOONS ARE STILL IN THE TREE as the sparks fly, which is hilarious, because it's been weeks and those Mylar things die within minutes.

So the alarm goes off at the Montebellos', and Jean Paul immediately freaks out on everybody and summons the heads of both families and requests a "Switzerland" where the families won't fight. They go to the church, even though that's…also where they fight. The priest bitches openly about what assholes they are, and that part's kind of awesome.

Gina comes into the church and Joe is totally cold to her, but she honestly doesn't try all that hard. Carlo has the nerve to look angry at him, and it seems like it's kind of on her behalf. She's carrying an obvious manila envelope full of photographs. And love. And possibly recipes.

Jean Paul explains that he can only "get into bed with one" of the families, and the priest ahems, like that's not ridiculous, and he amends it to "go into business." In a week, he will choose one family, based on their "overall pizza," but in that time there will no fighting, no sneaking, and no bullshit. I'm so sure, Jean Paul.

"Speak now or forever hold your peace," the priest randomly says, and the families look at each other all sneaky, and things are really confused symbolically right now, because I think they just married a French guy. Immediately Carlo demands that he be the one allowed to make the new, awesomer sauce for the winning Prestolani pizza. Papa P kisses Carlo wetly -- for like the eighth time -- and is promised the "best damn pizza in Verona" (shouldn't that be the "better than best damn pizza"?) as Amy Fisher looks on, apparently jealous of the man we so recently learned was her father, getting to kiss Carlo every single second she turns her head.

At the Montebellos', Guido in his lovely track suit brings the envelope of photos to Jomeo, having opened and investigated them when he found them outside, at whatever point Gina was able to drop them off without anybody seeing her, and then spouts some sensitive word crimes about how you can tell by looking at the photos that Gina is in love with Jomeo. He admits to missing her, and Guido gets weird in this mixed-metaphor way about how Jomeo cultivates the tomatoes on the vine, and smells them, but Jomeo is never happy, because he is looking for the perfect tomato, and all along the perfect tomato has been growing next door. So he's been cultivating girls and smelling them when they are ripe, and that's what doesn't make him happy?

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24Next

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See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

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