MONDO EXTRAS

When You're Here, You're Mistreated Like Family

by Jacob Clifton August 14, 2005
Pizza My Heart

They go to the priest, of course, and he yells at them for this idea of "running away." Gina explains that they see it more as "sprinting toward our future." I prefer to see it as YOU ARE TWENTY-FIVE. GET YOUR ASS TOGETHER. The priest wants to work it out between the families, because he has a vested interest in the community or something, even though they're the only two families in his parish and he hates them all equally. He -- hyperbolically and weirdly, but sadly, not comedically -- offers to "bring in the cardinal." They explain that their fathers are variously "paranoid" and "a hothead," and that in fact Gina and Jomeo are the only things to ever change in Verona, New Jersey. I don't get that at all. I wish they would change. Into something cool. The priest thinks about it, worriedly, and then there's crazy suspenseful romance music as Gina sneakily packs up a few things so she can run away, and she says aloud, "Where is that shirt?" and then finds the picture of Amy Fisher and Carlo and the love, and she has the indecency to smile sweetly and murmur, "How'd I miss that?"

How did anyone? This movie is for stupid people. I hope they liked it.

So these maturity-crossed lovers meet at the fairgrounds or something, and Jomeo's driving a Montebello's pizza delivery van, in order to be super-stealthy and not get noticed. Just then Herman's Head calls to tell Jomeo that he will "put them up in the city," but it's going to cost them.

Enough with the sauce! We know you want his sauce, Herman's Head!

But no, this was a cunning misdirection, because actually Herman's Head wants lemons. "Lotsa lemons." So without a second thought they…turn around and go home. They can't even run away properly. Even Elizabeth Barrett Browning thinks they're pussies. Emily Dickinson is like, "Grow a pair, ya big babies!"

Amy Fisher finds a note from Gina, next to the framed photo of Darwin's Nightmare Love: "Tell him how you feel! Love, your sister." There's a big stupid heart and Gina writes in big stupid bubble letters just like you knew she did. Amy Fisher makes such a face I don't even know what it means.

Priest yells at the families -- he's apparently keeping both families hostage at the Church -- and makes them all sit in one pew together. I'm glad the congregation is so small, because I don't know what these assholes would do without this guy. He orders them to bow their heads and reflect on why they are there.

Nobody knows why they are there, but since it's evidently impossible to be rational and Catholic at the same time, they just do blindly whatever the priest says. He yells at them some more about not cheating during the pizza competition, and convinces then that he has actual magic priest powers. They all get on their stupid gullible knees and pray. I'm not Catholic, but I'm angry enough right now that you'd never know.

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When You're Here, You're Mistreated Like Family

by Jacob Clifton August 14, 2005
Pizza My Heart

They go to the priest, of course, and he yells at them for this idea of "running away." Gina explains that they see it more as "sprinting toward our future." I prefer to see it as YOU ARE TWENTY-FIVE. GET YOUR ASS TOGETHER. The priest wants to work it out between the families, because he has a vested interest in the community or something, even though they're the only two families in his parish and he hates them all equally. He -- hyperbolically and weirdly, but sadly, not comedically -- offers to "bring in the cardinal." They explain that their fathers are variously "paranoid" and "a hothead," and that in fact Gina and Jomeo are the only things to ever change in Verona, New Jersey. I don't get that at all. I wish they would change. Into something cool. The priest thinks about it, worriedly, and then there's crazy suspenseful romance music as Gina sneakily packs up a few things so she can run away, and she says aloud, "Where is that shirt?" and then finds the picture of Amy Fisher and Carlo and the love, and she has the indecency to smile sweetly and murmur, "How'd I miss that?"

How did anyone? This movie is for stupid people. I hope they liked it.

So these maturity-crossed lovers meet at the fairgrounds or something, and Jomeo's driving a Montebello's pizza delivery van, in order to be super-stealthy and not get noticed. Just then Herman's Head calls to tell Jomeo that he will "put them up in the city," but it's going to cost them.

Enough with the sauce! We know you want his sauce, Herman's Head!

But no, this was a cunning misdirection, because actually Herman's Head wants lemons. "Lotsa lemons." So without a second thought they…turn around and go home. They can't even run away properly. Even Elizabeth Barrett Browning thinks they're pussies. Emily Dickinson is like, "Grow a pair, ya big babies!"

Amy Fisher finds a note from Gina, next to the framed photo of Darwin's Nightmare Love: "Tell him how you feel! Love, your sister." There's a big stupid heart and Gina writes in big stupid bubble letters just like you knew she did. Amy Fisher makes such a face I don't even know what it means.

Priest yells at the families -- he's apparently keeping both families hostage at the Church -- and makes them all sit in one pew together. I'm glad the congregation is so small, because I don't know what these assholes would do without this guy. He orders them to bow their heads and reflect on why they are there.

Nobody knows why they are there, but since it's evidently impossible to be rational and Catholic at the same time, they just do blindly whatever the priest says. He yells at them some more about not cheating during the pizza competition, and convinces then that he has actual magic priest powers. They all get on their stupid gullible knees and pray. I'm not Catholic, but I'm angry enough right now that you'd never know.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24Next

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