MONDO EXTRAS

When You're Here, You're Mistreated Like Family

by Jacob Clifton August 14, 2005
Pizza My Heart

The annoying little girl goes, "Why does Giuseppe look angry?" Basically, because the Montebellos stole the pizza, or the idea of pizza, or the idea of pizza delivery, and gave it to this Queen or something, and this was a problem for Giuseppe, who actually invented pizza. This is the stupidest story in the world. So everybody boos and hisses and Gina is utterly fucking obnoxious some more: "Hey Pop, didja evah think the story is just a stooory? Ya know, fiction?" Her faces at this point are hideously rude, but he somehow takes it in stride.

"The thing you have to remember about fiction is that sometimes it's true." Deep.

Little annoying girl asks, "Did you ever think about ending the feud?" and everybody cracks up laughing and cheering like crazy when Papa P asks loudly, "Why would we wanna do that?" And…scene.

Now Jomeo is going to church. Inside, the priest is going on and on about something and Jomeo comes in through the transept, which is weird, and the door creaks. The only people in church are the Montebellos and the Prestolanis and they keep giving each other evils.

The priest begs for money and mentions the upcoming Feast of St. Gennaro, and Jomeo and Gina do some in-love-falling and they have frigging conjunctivitis worse than RevCam. The dads each try to contribute more money than the other, and Dan Hedaya Montebello starts bugging because Prestolani just put in a fat roll of what he's sure are fives, so he makes his wife give him back the Benjamin he gave her that morning. Papa P laughs at this cheesy show of wealth and then everybody shushes each other a whole lot. These people are so tacky, and it's so dumb, and there's like seventeen shots of everybody shushing everybody else. Jomeo and Gina fall in love a whole lot and then Jomeo starts wandering around aimlessly in the middle of the service for some reason, and he knocks the priest over and the money goes everywhere and the Prestolanis laugh their stupid asses off.

Amy Fisher tells us two new things about Jomeo: one being that he used to be in the CIA, and that he might "still have a grudge" against Gina. Again, we're missing some vital shit here, but: like it would make you care. There is more internecine shushing and then the priest figures out that Papa P actually only gave a single five-dollar bill, wrapped around a wad of donation envelopes, and Papa P smirks at Dan Hedaya like he just put one over on him. Except really it's the Lord.

The priest tells Gina about Papa P signing her up to teach or something, and she asks for help, but then she and Joe gape moronically at each other. Guido Brother says something dumb and they have a very nasal conversation about fantasizing in church. This is why I've never seen Boondock Saints, because I have this total fear that it will end up being this crappy kind of jocular brotherhood-building exercise a la Entourage, and, like, Diner and Beautiful Girls already beat you there years ago, bitches. Find a new thing besides thinking you and your stupid friends sitting around capping on each other is worth filming. ["Boondock Saints is exactly what you totally fear. Don't rent it. It sucks. You're welcome." -- Sars] You know who I hate? Like, Black Eyed Peas level of hate? Michael Rapaport. I feel kind of bad about it, but I hear his voice or I see his face and I just see red, I lose all consciousness and revert to a more savage way of life until he goes away.

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When You're Here, You're Mistreated Like Family

by Jacob Clifton August 14, 2005
Pizza My Heart

The annoying little girl goes, "Why does Giuseppe look angry?" Basically, because the Montebellos stole the pizza, or the idea of pizza, or the idea of pizza delivery, and gave it to this Queen or something, and this was a problem for Giuseppe, who actually invented pizza. This is the stupidest story in the world. So everybody boos and hisses and Gina is utterly fucking obnoxious some more: "Hey Pop, didja evah think the story is just a stooory? Ya know, fiction?" Her faces at this point are hideously rude, but he somehow takes it in stride.

"The thing you have to remember about fiction is that sometimes it's true." Deep.

Little annoying girl asks, "Did you ever think about ending the feud?" and everybody cracks up laughing and cheering like crazy when Papa P asks loudly, "Why would we wanna do that?" And…scene.

Now Jomeo is going to church. Inside, the priest is going on and on about something and Jomeo comes in through the transept, which is weird, and the door creaks. The only people in church are the Montebellos and the Prestolanis and they keep giving each other evils.

The priest begs for money and mentions the upcoming Feast of St. Gennaro, and Jomeo and Gina do some in-love-falling and they have frigging conjunctivitis worse than RevCam. The dads each try to contribute more money than the other, and Dan Hedaya Montebello starts bugging because Prestolani just put in a fat roll of what he's sure are fives, so he makes his wife give him back the Benjamin he gave her that morning. Papa P laughs at this cheesy show of wealth and then everybody shushes each other a whole lot. These people are so tacky, and it's so dumb, and there's like seventeen shots of everybody shushing everybody else. Jomeo and Gina fall in love a whole lot and then Jomeo starts wandering around aimlessly in the middle of the service for some reason, and he knocks the priest over and the money goes everywhere and the Prestolanis laugh their stupid asses off.

Amy Fisher tells us two new things about Jomeo: one being that he used to be in the CIA, and that he might "still have a grudge" against Gina. Again, we're missing some vital shit here, but: like it would make you care. There is more internecine shushing and then the priest figures out that Papa P actually only gave a single five-dollar bill, wrapped around a wad of donation envelopes, and Papa P smirks at Dan Hedaya like he just put one over on him. Except really it's the Lord.

The priest tells Gina about Papa P signing her up to teach or something, and she asks for help, but then she and Joe gape moronically at each other. Guido Brother says something dumb and they have a very nasal conversation about fantasizing in church. This is why I've never seen Boondock Saints, because I have this total fear that it will end up being this crappy kind of jocular brotherhood-building exercise a la Entourage, and, like, Diner and Beautiful Girls already beat you there years ago, bitches. Find a new thing besides thinking you and your stupid friends sitting around capping on each other is worth filming. ["Boondock Saints is exactly what you totally fear. Don't rent it. It sucks. You're welcome." -- Sars] You know who I hate? Like, Black Eyed Peas level of hate? Michael Rapaport. I feel kind of bad about it, but I hear his voice or I see his face and I just see red, I lose all consciousness and revert to a more savage way of life until he goes away.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24Next

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