MONDO EXTRAS

Yo, it's P. Willy!

by admin October 6, 2002
Prince William

Establishing shot of a castle. I guess it’s Balmoral Castle, but I don’t know my castles, so for all I know it could be the Medieval Times restaurant by I-90. Fade-in on interior. Prince William sleeps. In his sleep, he hears a woman’s voice whisper, you know, "William," and in a brief flash he sees a woman's face. Remind me to check at the end to see if the role of Two-Tenths-of-a-Second Glimpse of Princess Diana is listed in the credits. Wills wakes up and wonders why phones are ringing and everyone's up stomping around the damn castle in the middle of the night. Prince Harry comes in wondering the same thing. For some reason they can't just go to their dad and ask him. A twitchy butler tells them to stay in their room. He looks out and sees someone who has to be his dad, Prince Charles -- because, really, who else is going to have that hair, I mean besides Harry Dean Stanton -- standing outside, looking all freaked out, and it's clear some major shit is going down. "If I had a television in here, I bet you we'd know what was going on," says Prince Wills. Prince Harry says that Prince Wills would just watch Spice Girls videos all night, but adds "If you asked Mummy, I bet she'd let you have a television." They fall asleep. Uh, yeah…guys? Your Highnesses? Um, you're not getting that, uh, television.

In the morning the bizarro Harry Dean Stanton Prince Charles comes into their room. "I'm afraid I have some…dreadful news," he says, sounding exactly how you'd think an actor playing Prince Charles would sound in a TV movie. And believe me, I know how cynical you are. "Mummy's had an accident in Paris." No, really, it's totally just like your impression of an actor doing an impression of Prince Charles delivering very bad Princess Di news -- well, if you had an impression, but theoretically it's possible you've been bored and drunk enough to do one. You'd be all, "No, William, I'm afraid…I'm afraid she's…she's not all right," and then you'd clear your throat and be like, "she was hurt quite badly… I'm afraid she's gone!" And then if you did weird shit with your chin and were like, "But we must show our bravery now, hmm? Not our tears!" you'd achieve a whole new level of Heart-Wrenching Prince Charles Performance that exceeds our wildest expectations. But remember, this is a Disney Sunday Night Movie, and Disney makes our dreams come true, even when they are feverish nightmares about English thespians. Prince Harry starts crying. Wills stands there blinking, and disbelief turns to shock turns to rage turns to, um, you know, just plain crying. And I know this isn't really the most appropriate scene in which to mention this, but the real Prince William is way hotter than this guy.

Wills, Prince Harry, Prince Charles, and the Queen sit in the dining room. They are clearly working through of the first Stages of Royal Grief: Way Overdressed For Breakfast. All is silent; Prince Harry taps the shell of his hard-boiled egg with his spoon, and the sound editors totally do that incidental-noise-resounding-thunderously-to-signify-the-surreal-meaningless-of-one's-own-continuing-existence sound effect kind of thing: boooommmm goes the egg of tragedy. Later, they walk to church, and a whole honkload of reporters are waiting for them outside the gate at Balmoral. When Wills sees them he gets all twitchy like he wants to kick their asses. The reporters shout questions and wave cameras and flail around with boom mikes. They are so annoying that the royal procession uses a couple of bagpipe players to annoy in retaliation.

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Yo, it's P. Willy!

by admin October 6, 2002
Prince William Establishing shot of a castle. I guess it’s Balmoral Castle, but I don’t know my castles, so for all I know it could be the Medieval Times restaurant by I-90. Fade-in on interior. Prince William sleeps. In his sleep, he hears a woman’s voice whisper, you know, "William," and in a brief flash he sees a woman's face. Remind me to check at the end to see if the role of Two-Tenths-of-a-Second Glimpse of Princess Diana is listed in the credits. Wills wakes up and wonders why phones are ringing and everyone's up stomping around the damn castle in the middle of the night. Prince Harry comes in wondering the same thing. For some reason they can't just go to their dad and ask him. A twitchy butler tells them to stay in their room. He looks out and sees someone who has to be his dad, Prince Charles -- because, really, who else is going to have that hair, I mean besides Harry Dean Stanton -- standing outside, looking all freaked out, and it's clear some major shit is going down. "If I had a television in here, I bet you we'd know what was going on," says Prince Wills. Prince Harry says that Prince Wills would just watch Spice Girls videos all night, but adds "If you asked Mummy, I bet she'd let you have a television." They fall asleep. Uh, yeah…guys? Your Highnesses? Um, you're not getting that, uh, television. In the morning the bizarro Harry Dean Stanton Prince Charles comes into their room. "I'm afraid I have some…dreadful news," he says, sounding exactly how you'd think an actor playing Prince Charles would sound in a TV movie. And believe me, I know how cynical you are. "Mummy's had an accident in Paris." No, really, it's totally just like your impression of an actor doing an impression of Prince Charles delivering very bad Princess Di news -- well, if you had an impression, but theoretically it's possible you've been bored and drunk enough to do one. You'd be all, "No, William, I'm afraid…I'm afraid she's…she's not all right," and then you'd clear your throat and be like, "she was hurt quite badly… I'm afraid she's gone!" And then if you did weird shit with your chin and were like, "But we must show our bravery now, hmm? Not our tears!" you'd achieve a whole new level of Heart-Wrenching Prince Charles Performance that exceeds our wildest expectations. But remember, this is a Disney Sunday Night Movie, and Disney makes our dreams come true, even when they are feverish nightmares about English thespians. Prince Harry starts crying. Wills stands there blinking, and disbelief turns to shock turns to rage turns to, um, you know, just plain crying. And I know this isn't really the most appropriate scene in which to mention this, but the real Prince William is way hotter than this guy.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10Next

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