MONDO EXTRAS

Yo, it's P. Willy!

by Wendola October 6, 2002
Prince William

Wills tries to go off to the Posh nightclub by himself, and Bad-Arse Bodyguard stops him in the street. "What are you doing here?" Wills asks. What a stupid fucking question. "Don't go in," says Bad-Arse. A moment later, police cars pull up in front of the club and cops emerge with Hussy Spawn Brother. Instead of thanking Bad-Arse for saving his arse, Wills yells at him for ruining his fun or something. This is the Third Stage of Royal Grief: Acting Like A Complete Tosser.

Wills sits in his room trying to study. He looks intently at a Pre-Raphaelite painting of an angel, and he pulls a photo of Princess Diana out of his desk. You'd think he'd have some kind of intimate snapshot of his own mum rather than the portrait that appears on the Franklin Mint plates, but whatever.

Tabloid headlines read: "WILLS THE PARTY PRINCE!" "PARTY PRINCE PARTIES WITH DRUG USERS!" "PARTY PRINCE EATS SANDWICH!" Apparently he's been partying like it's 1999. Wait: it was 1999. And he's called Prince. So what's the problem? Back at the palace, Prince Charles paces around and asks Wills if anyone ever gave him drugs. No, says Wills. Prince Charles asks if anyone ever offered him cocaine or marijuana. Wills says no again. Prince Charles asks William if he's using drugs. Wills is like, no. Prince Charles asks William if those scones he ate at tea were actually drugs. Wills says no yet again and finally Prince C. believes him. Thoughtful Bonding With Stuffy Impotent Father Figure ensues. Then Wills goes to the pub where Bad-Arse Bodyguard is having a pint and apologizes for being such a prat and commences Manly Bonding With Supplementary Virile Father Figure. Wills and Prince Harry go on holiday with Bad-Arse in the Lake District. This part of the movie is apparently sponsored by Range Rover. There's manly hiking, yet sensitive scenery, and bonding between Heir and Spare. Harry gives Wills a Britney Spears CD. It's all so very manhood-affirming I nearly grow a pair of my own.

Wills comes home late one night and finds Prince C. in the kitchen making a salami sandwich. God, what are they going to have Prince Charles do next? Tell Wills to pull his finger? Wills asks Prince Charles, "Do you love Camilla more than Mum?" Prince C. looks up from the salami all freaked out, and after a moment explains that when he was growing up he "wasn't much of a playboy." Well, duh, Chuck: ears. He says that he was baffled by the opposite sex, but then one day when he was twenty, Camilla came up to him at a polo match. "And she said…well, never mind what she said. It was disgusting, and very, very Camilla." What, she said, "Got a tampon?" Oh, God. Anyway, Prince C. goes on to say he wanted to marry her but the Queen wouldn't let him. "That is so wrong," says Wills. "I think you should be able to marry whomever you fall in love with." Nice to get in a shout-out to Prince William's gay following. Prince C. goes on to say that he did fall in love with Diana. He says she was beautiful, and elegant, and funny, and "fragile," which might be a tasteful royal euphemism for "anorexic." Wills smiles.

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Yo, it's P. Willy!

by Wendola October 6, 2002
Prince William The Queen worries that Wills is being seen in pubs too much and feels he should have "a better class of friends." "From families the Palace knows, hmm?" she suggests to Prince Charles. Wills comes home for the weekend and stops by his dad's room and runs into Camilla Parker-Bowles, who is struggling to get her riding boots off and freaks the hell out at the sight of Wills. Prince Charles comes out quickly, fastening his robe. Wills winces at the thought of Prince Charles having sex. You and the whole world, kid. Prince C. and Camilla suggest Wills hang out with Camilla's kids. The Royal Hussy Spawn are a chatty brother-sister team who say they're taking William to "a brilliant little café." Outside the restaurant, Hussy Spawn Brother suggests Bad-Arse Bodyguard and the goons stay outside. Bad-Arse gets suspicious and sends a bodyguard to look inside. "They're gone!" shouts the goon. Meanwhile, Wills and the Hussy Spawn are running down a back alley and Hussy Spawn Sister takes her coat off to reveal a hoochie-mama outfit. They take Wills to a nightclub where there's some brilliant rich-kid party going on in the basement. "No bodyguards, no tabloid shooters," the Hussy Spawn tell him. "Sounds like Heaven," says Wills. Some chick in a white bikini sashays up to him and sits in his lap. Her name is Tara, and Wills knows him, and I think she's like a distant cousin or something, but when I tried to check up on those Wills fan sites my brain started bleeding so I can't be sure. Anyway, Tara flashes her tits at Wills. Disney! Tits! Wills is befuddled. Royal busybodies warn Bad-Arse Bodyguard that Tara and the Hussy Spawn are known drug users, and they show him some Prince William fan websites. They are alarmed. No fucking kidding. Scotland Yard needs to look into some of that fucked-up CSS shit. Bad-Arse Bodyguard confronts Wills after swim practice. Prince William is reminded that there are grave threats to his private life, and we are reminded that Prince William looks brilliant in a Speedo. I don't usually remark on the commercials, but dear God, they've made a sequel to The Santa Clause. Wills goes to a nightclub called Posh with Hussy Spawn Brother, Suck-Up Chap, and a couple of Eton mates. Wills hits on some bland-looking chick and asks her to dance. They inexplicably slow-dance amidst the techno music. The bland girl's boyfriend comes back from the bar, and immediately Bad-Arse Bodyguard and the goons run interference and buy him a drink. Then Bland Chick runs to the ladies' room "to do her lips," and the goons steer her away from Wills and make Wills leave. Aww. Well, you know they were just going to wind up at Denny's anyway.

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