Wills goes out in the courtyard where Bad-Arse Bodyguard is standing -- excuse me, where a RANGE ROVER is standing; Bad-Arse is sort of in the background. Prince Wills bids farewell to Bad-Arse, who is leaving the job to put his testosterone to other uses.
Gratiuitous slow-motion polo montage. They needed to get the damn polo in so the movie could end, so thank God.
Royal Busybodies sit with Prince Charles and the Queen and discuss where Wills should go to university. Wills walks in and says he'll consider their recommendations and let them know when he's decided, so piss off, busybodies. Wills studies thoughtfully. Wills takes his O-Levels. As an American, the only thing I know about O-Levels is that Simon LeBon always said in Star Hits magazine that he didn't do well on them, so if Wills doesn't want to wind up on Behind the Music looking all puffy and creepy, he'd better pass them.
The Eton mates play more rugby with Wills and Prince Harry. Really, all I've been waiting for is more rough trade -- oh, I mean, rugby -- footage. Suddenly something gets the attention of the bodyguard goons at the edge of the field: a bunch of reporters and photographers are approaching. Wills and Harry stand there gaping like they've never seen a bunch of press people before or something. "I thought photographers weren't allowed at school," says Sneery Lad. "Something bad must have happened," says Prince Harry. The other mates gather around the princes to shield them from the photographers while Sneery Lad goes over to see what the fuss is all about. Sneery Lad comes back. "Is it our dad?" asks Harry. "No, it's your mum," says Sneery. "Some sadistic slob has written a book about her." It was her personal secretary, and supposedly he dragged her through the mud, and now the press wants a quote from Wills. Like what's he going to say? "Oh, there's a book?"
At the palace, Wills waves the book around, which has a completely blank white cover, like I'm sure the actual book does. Prince Charles doesn't even want to make a statement, but Wills wants to have a press conference about it, even though the Palace doesn't do that sort of thing, and he pulls out the whole passionate "it's different, she's my mother" business. Man, it was whole a lot easier when everyone in the Royal family didn't actually you know, love each other. Wills asks Prince Harry if he will take a stand with him. "Abso-bloody-lutely," says Harry. Prince Charles stares at them. Man, it was a whole lot easier when everyone in the Royal family didn't actually, you know, swear.
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Tabloid headlines read: "WILLS THE PARTY PRINCE!" "PARTY PRINCE PARTIES WITH DRUG USERS!" "PARTY PRINCE EATS SANDWICH!" Apparently he's been partying like it's 1999. Wait: it was
1999. And he's called Prince
. So what's the problem? Back at the palace, Prince Charles paces around and asks Wills if anyone ever gave
him drugs. No, says Wills. Prince Charles asks if anyone ever offered him cocaine or marijuana
. Wills says no again. Prince Charles asks William if he's using
drugs. Wills is like, no
. Prince Charles asks William if those scones he ate at tea were actually drugs
. Wills says no yet again and finally Prince C. believes him. Thoughtful Bonding With Stuffy Impotent Father Figure ensues. Then Wills goes to the pub where Bad-Arse Bodyguard is having a pint and apologizes for being such a prat and commences Manly Bonding With Supplementary Virile Father Figure. Wills and Prince Harry go on holiday with Bad-Arse in the Lake District. This part of the movie is apparently sponsored by Range Rover. There's manly hiking, yet sensitive scenery, and bonding between Heir and Spare. Harry gives Wills a Britney Spears CD. It's all so very manhood-affirming I nearly grow a pair of my own.
Wills comes home late one night and finds Prince C. in the kitchen making a salami sandwich. God, what are they going to have Prince Charles do next? Tell Wills to pull his finger? Wills asks Prince Charles, "Do you love Camilla more than Mum?" Prince C. looks up from the salami all freaked out, and after a moment explains that when he was growing up he "wasn't much of a playboy." Well, duh
, Chuck: ears
. He says that he was baffled by the opposite sex, but then one day when he was twenty, Camilla came up to him at a polo match. "And she said…well, never mind what she said. It was disgusting
, and very, very Camilla." What, she said, "Got a tampon?" Oh, God. Anyway, Prince C. goes on to say he wanted to marry her but the Queen wouldn't let him. "That is so wrong," says Wills. "I think you should be able to marry whomever you fall in love with." Nice to get in a shout-out to Prince William's gay following. Prince C. goes on to say that he did
fall in love with Diana. He says she was beautiful, and elegant, and funny, and "fragile," which might be a tasteful royal euphemism for "anorexic." Wills smiles.
Wills passes his driver's test. On the drive back, Prince Charles changes the radio station to a Bee Gees song and Wills calls the music "tragically unhip." I guess they don't teach pop culture irony at Eton. When they get to the palace, the press is there waiting and he plows right through them, ha ha! See, Lizzie Grubman, it's OK to be a rich snot and drive through crowds as long as you're going forwards
. When they get around to the back driveway, Wills has a present waiting for him: an armored VW Golf. "The tires are bulletproof!" says Prince Charles, who you can tell really wishes the car was Paris-tunnel-proof, too, but like, can you blame him?
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