MONDO EXTRAS

Yo, it's P. Willy!

by Wendola October 6, 2002
Prince William

The press gathers outside the palace gates for the conference. Wills and Harry pace around inside. "They're going to tear you apart," you know, says Harry. "Are you ready for this?" Wills says he is. Prince Charles shows up. "You're going out there with us?" asks Harry. "Abso-bloody-lutely," says Prince Charles. Oh, God. The three walk out to face the reporters. Wills stands there with his arms folded, looking out at the crowd nobly, bravely, as if to say, go on, make a crappy TV movie about me.

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Yo, it's P. Willy!

by Wendola October 6, 2002
Prince William Bad-Arse Bodyguard meets with Wills and Prince Charles. "Scotland Yard thinks you should see this," he tells them. It's another of those websites. Oh no -- have they started using animated GIFs? Actually, they're posting photos of Wills taken through the window of his dorm room. Bad-Arse Bodyguard says the police are investigating. Prince C. recalls that despite all the Queen's security, she once woke up to find some crazy guy sitting on her bed with bloody hands holding a piece of broken glass. The hell? Did he get the phrase "administer some Bactine" confused with "go visit the Queen"? Weird. Wills is back in his dorm room when he hears some police sirens; there's a knock on his door. It's Bad-Arse, saying they've caught the guy selling the photos. The other Etonians stand around in the hallway while police carry boxes of photos out of …Suck-Up Chap's room. Oh, we saw that coming. "So I sold a few photos here and there! I didn't know they would go to anything dangerous!" whines Suck-Up Chap. "I needed the money! You don't know what it's like! I was supposed to go on the Royal vacation!" They lead him off. Wills picks up some of the photos that have fallen on the floor and Sneery Lad helps him. "This really sucks," says Sneery Lad. Wills and Sneery Lad share a moment where Wills says he knows he can trust him and they shake hands vigorously and smile warmly, and it's way too boring to be even homoerotic. New Year's Eve, 1999. Wills is sitting at his laptop at Buckingham Palace, and Sneery Lad comes in from the party in the next room to tell him the countdown's about to start. Wills clicks to send an email and closes the laptop. "You're emailing Britney Spears, then? Well, if you've moved on to Britney Spears you could hook me up with a Spice Girl," says Sneery Lad. Wow, you mean that the very brief moment in time during which the careers of the Spice Girls and Britney Spears actually overlapped also coincided with the millennium? And we didn't all die? Whoa. They go into the party and Wills goes around hugging people and wishing them a happy New Year. Wills hugs Prince Harry and they wish that their mum could be there. "Well, she'd just embarrass us by dancing with our friends," Prince Harry says. It really is poignant to think that Princess Diana died before she became old and scary, like Melanie Griffiths. Wills goes out in the courtyard where Bad-Arse Bodyguard is standing -- excuse me, where a RANGE ROVER is standing; Bad-Arse is sort of in the background. Prince Wills bids farewell to Bad-Arse, who is leaving the job to put his testosterone to other uses.

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