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America: You Aren't Safe

1: At a live event? Let's not intentionally give the FCC lawyers hard-ons.

2: John Walsh?

1: Oh, that's just what we need -- Tina Fey loses for Best Actress in a Comedy and we've got Mr. Bereaved Dad ruining everyone's night with his Tears of Rage.

3: Why are you guys ignoring the obvious?

2: You're still here?

3: The biggest hit on this whole sorry-ass network is American Idol.

2: Of course! Taylor Hicks!

1: Absolutely not.

2: That's true, I guess the Soul Patrol has probably been called into active duty in Iraq.

1: But I see where you're going with this. People do watch it for the personalities who are always there...don't they?

2: I guess?

3: Well, it can't be Paula; we can't very well call on her to be classy after that thing on Bravo this summer.

1: Speaking of Tears of Rage.

2: I mean, honestly.

3: And if we put Simon Cowell onstage, we'll have nominees leaving in the first twelve minutes; we might as well just hire Don Rickles!

1: And I'm writing that down.

3: As for Randy...I mean, say what you will about my Uncle Grandpa, but even he has a vocabulary in the triple digits, unlike our "dawg" over here.

2: Good point, if a little pitchy.

1: But that just leaves...

3: That's right.

1, 2, & 3: DUNKLEMAN!

[One phone call later...]

1: I should have known the Dunk would have too much pride to talk to us again. Well, screw it: let's just get the one guy in this town who's never said no to any work ever.

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Mondo Extra
Seacrest In!

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
America: You Aren't Safe

2: John Walsh?

1: Oh, that's just what we need -- Tina Fey loses for Best Actress in a Comedy and we've got Mr. Bereaved Dad ruining everyone's night with his Tears of Rage.

3: Why are you guys ignoring the obvious?

2: You're still here?

3: The biggest hit on this whole sorry-ass network is American Idol.

2: Of course! Taylor Hicks!

1: Absolutely not.

2: That's true, I guess the Soul Patrol has probably been called into active duty in Iraq.

1: But I see where you're going with this. People do watch it for the personalities who are always there...don't they?

2: I guess?

3: Well, it can't be Paula; we can't very well call on her to be classy after that thing on Bravo this summer.

1: Speaking of Tears of Rage.

2: I mean, honestly.

3: And if we put Simon Cowell onstage, we'll have nominees leaving in the first twelve minutes; we might as well just hire Don Rickles!

1: And I'm writing that down.

3: As for Randy...I mean, say what you will about my Uncle Grandpa, but even he has a vocabulary in the triple digits, unlike our "dawg" over here.

2: Good point, if a little pitchy.

1: But that just leaves...

3: That's right.

1, 2, & 3: DUNKLEMAN!

[One phone call later...]

1: I should have known the Dunk would have too much pride to talk to us again. Well, screw it: let's just get the one guy in this town who's never said no to any work ever.

2: Let's just pray he's not getting his tips frosted that night.

1: As it were.

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