MONDO EXTRAS

Something The Lord Made

by admin June 7, 2004
Something The Lord Made

Welcome, one and all, to the latest HBO Afterschool Special. Do you remember all the important lessons we've learned from HBO? In Hysterical Blindness, we learned that trashy Jersey girls are people too. In Normal, we learned that large middle-aged male-to-female transsexuals are people too, even if they do look awful in that dress. And finally, in Iron Jawed Angels, we learned that Hilary Swank really should have called it quits after Boys Don't Cry. Let's see what lessons our benevolent overlords have for us tonight, shall we?

We begin by learning that "The story [we] are about to see is based on true events." What we don't realize is that by the end of the movie we are going to wish desperately they had thrown in some false events, because for the next two hours virtually nothing is going to happen.

While the credits continue, we open on Nashville, 1930 (or so we are told). A couple of people walk around the outside of a gorgeous wood and brick Victorian home. Cut to a close-up of a black man's hands laying out assorted carpenter's tools in a bench, just like surgical instruments. (Oooh, Charles Dutton is in this...perhaps we can expect an ass-whoopin' to happen at some point.) After a couple of other arty shots to establish that those hands belong to a very skilled carpenter indeed, we hear a voice call quitting time just as we first see the face of our carpenter, Mos Def (a.k.a. Blackstar, Dante Bezé, Bizet Dante, Smith Dante, and Dante Terrell Smith).

A foreman-type guy walks through this utterly gorgeous house, looking down on Mos portentously from a staircase. Foreman-Type walks up to Mos just as he inserts the last piece of a beautiful floor mosaic, praises his work, and hands him an actual pink slip. Poor, sweet, naive Mos thinks he's being handed a bonus, but his hopes are quickly dashed.

Cut to Mos in a sharp-looking suit, walking down a sidewalk with Unnamed Expositionary Friend. UEF quickly fulfills his duties by establishing that a doctor wants to hire Mos to do scutwork around the lab, at a rate of $12 per month. Of course, the real purpose of this scene is to remind us that we are in Jim Crow times, as Mos and UEF step off the sidewalk and bow their heads each time a white person comes along.

Inside the Vanderbilt Experimental Surgery Laboratory, we meet our costar, Alan Rickman (a.k.a. that guy who inappropriately leered after a woman thirty years his junior in Sense and Sensibility). We also learn, from the woman handing Mos's application to Alan, that Mos's name is "Vivien." Rickman's character immediately demonstrates his keen intelligence when he observes "'Vivien'? That's a girl's name." Ah yes, those are the kind of sterling manners we expect from a Southern gentleman. Ass. Rickman shows Viv around the lab, explains that his work involves killing lots and lots of cute little doggies, and tells him that he will be required to clean the dog pens and sweep the lab. And, oh yes, he calls Viv "son."

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Something The Lord Made

by admin June 7, 2004
Something The Lord Made Welcome, one and all, to the latest HBO Afterschool Special. Do you remember all the important lessons we've learned from HBO? In Hysterical Blindness, we learned that trashy Jersey girls are people too. In Normal, we learned that large middle-aged male-to-female transsexuals are people too, even if they do look awful in that dress. And finally, in Iron Jawed Angels, we learned that Hilary Swank really should have called it quits after Boys Don't Cry. Let's see what lessons our benevolent overlords have for us tonight, shall we? We begin by learning that "The story [we] are about to see is based on true events." What we don't realize is that by the end of the movie we are going to wish desperately they had thrown in some false events, because for the next two hours virtually nothing is going to happen. While the credits continue, we open on Nashville, 1930 (or so we are told). A couple of people walk around the outside of a gorgeous wood and brick Victorian home. Cut to a close-up of a black man's hands laying out assorted carpenter's tools in a bench, just like surgical instruments. (Oooh, Charles Dutton is in this...perhaps we can expect an ass-whoopin' to happen at some point.) After a couple of other arty shots to establish that those hands belong to a very skilled carpenter indeed, we hear a voice call quitting time just as we first see the face of our carpenter, Mos Def (a.k.a. Blackstar, Dante Bezé, Bizet Dante, Smith Dante, and Dante Terrell Smith). A foreman-type guy walks through this utterly gorgeous house, looking down on Mos portentously from a staircase. Foreman-Type walks up to Mos just as he inserts the last piece of a beautiful floor mosaic, praises his work, and hands him an actual pink slip. Poor, sweet, naive Mos thinks he's being handed a bonus, but his hopes are quickly dashed. Cut to Mos in a sharp-looking suit, walking down a sidewalk with Unnamed Expositionary Friend. UEF quickly fulfills his duties by establishing that a doctor wants to hire Mos to do scutwork around the lab, at a rate of $12 per month. Of course, the real purpose of this scene is to remind us that we are in Jim Crow times, as Mos and UEF step off the sidewalk and bow their heads each time a white person comes along. Inside the Vanderbilt Experimental Surgery Laboratory, we meet our costar, Alan Rickman (a.k.a. that guy who inappropriately leered after a woman thirty years his junior in Sense and Sensibility). We also learn, from the woman handing Mos's application to Alan, that Mos's name is "Vivien." Rickman's character immediately demonstrates his keen intelligence when he observes "'Vivien'? That's a girl's name." Ah yes, those are the kind of sterling manners we expect from a Southern gentleman. Ass. Rickman shows Viv around the lab, explains that his work involves killing lots and lots of cute little doggies, and tells him that he will be required to clean the dog pens and sweep the lab. And, oh yes, he calls Viv "son."

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19Next

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