MONDO EXTRAS

Can't...get...clean!

by Wendola April 1, 2001
South Pacific

Captain Brackett shows up at the club and takes Harry Connick Jr. aside to discuss something very important with him. "Look, kid, it's time someone told you: you're no Sinatra," he says. No, actually he wants to see what's in the important briefcase that Harry brought. It's a big book of top-secret plans for an attack on the Japanese. "Maybe we will get into this damn war after all," says the captain. They say "damn" a lot, don't they? They try really hard to make this a manly musical.

Glenn Close goes out on the patio to look at the moon. Emile de Becque comes over doing that French slouching-smoking thing, and they talk about whether this war means the world's coming to an end. Glenn Close doesn't think it is. "When the sky is a bright canary yellow," she says, "I forget every cloud I've ever seen. So they call me a cockeyed optimist, immature and incurably green." Okay, so she's actually singing this and not saying it. I guess that's important to know, since she's talking about how whippoorwills sell her bills and a bowls of Jell-O, and if this was dialogue rather than a song she'd sound like she was spouting off a schizophrenic word salad. De Becque is quite taken with her optimism, and her cockeye, and whatnot, and he asks her to come to his plantation for lunch.

Then officers meet to discuss their top-secret plans. Harry Connick Jr. thinks the best way to keep tabs on the Japanese is to station a man with a radio on one of the outer islands. The Navy guys say that they'd tried that, but their man got killed. Harry thinks he's the best man for the job, because those Japs are no match for his fresh new take on swing music.

Next we're at some weird corner of the island where some of the natives hang out and try and sell stuff to the military guys. Not drugs, though. You'd really think there'd be drugs. But there's just this tiny lady screaming, "Sale today sale!! Two dollar only two dollar basket!! You like send home girlfriend Chicago!!" Get your amusing patois here, folks. I guess this woman is supposed to be Bloody Mary. Until now I didn't realize she was supposed to be old, Asian, and speaking English as a second language, because in our high-school production, the girl in this role had none of these characteristics but did the accent anyway. So here I'd thought Bloody Mary was just a teenager with a speech impediment and some kind of head injury. Wow, it makes more sense now.

Billis comes up, trying to sell Bloody Mary a bundle of grass skirts he and his buddies have made. Okay, WHAT'S with the grass skirts -- why are these such a hot item? Are they made of hemp or something? Then Billis goes all gaga over some boar-tooth bracelet from Bali H'ai that she's selling, and somehow Bloody Mary manages to scam him out of the grass skirts and a hundred bucks in exchange for the bracelet. She cackles with glee, and then all the other sailors around start singing "Bloody Mary Is The Girl I Love (The Let's Say Crude Things About The Old Tonkinese Lady Song)." Okay, but I love this part when she tries to sell a shrunken head to some sailor: "You like? Only fifty dollar!" Sailor: "What is it?" BM: "It's head! Fifty dollar!" Sailor: "But what's it made of?" BM: "It's made out of HEAD!" Heh.

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Can't...get...clean!

by Wendola April 1, 2001
South Pacific Scene II, or whatever: a party at the officer's club, which has a swell tiki aesthetic going. Harry Connick Jr. is talking about the war with Commander Something-or-Other, a French plantation guy, and another guy -- well, we'll call him A Stranger. Enter Glenn Close. Introductions are made. The French plantation guy's name seems to be something like "Monsieur Ben-Wa" and the Stranger is named Emile de Becque. All the men act like they're captivated by Glenn Close's Little Dutch Boy look. Then the Commander guy dances with her and hits on her, and she reminds him that he has a wife and kids, and then across a crowded room she sees de Becque, and somehow, she knows, she knows even then, that somewhere she'll see him, again and again. Captain Brackett shows up at the club and takes Harry Connick Jr. aside to discuss something very important with him. "Look, kid, it's time someone told you: you're no Sinatra," he says. No, actually he wants to see what's in the important briefcase that Harry brought. It's a big book of top-secret plans for an attack on the Japanese. "Maybe we will get into this damn war after all," says the captain. They say "damn" a lot, don't they? They try really hard to make this a manly musical. Glenn Close goes out on the patio to look at the moon. Emile de Becque comes over doing that French slouching-smoking thing, and they talk about whether this war means the world's coming to an end. Glenn Close doesn't think it is. "When the sky is a bright canary yellow," she says, "I forget every cloud I've ever seen. So they call me a cockeyed optimist, immature and incurably green." Okay, so she's actually singing this and not saying it. I guess that's important to know, since she's talking about how whippoorwills sell her bills and a bowls of Jell-O, and if this was dialogue rather than a song she'd sound like she was spouting off a schizophrenic word salad. De Becque is quite taken with her optimism, and her cockeye, and whatnot, and he asks her to come to his plantation for lunch. Then officers meet to discuss their top-secret plans. Harry Connick Jr. thinks the best way to keep tabs on the Japanese is to station a man with a radio on one of the outer islands. The Navy guys say that they'd tried that, but their man got killed. Harry thinks he's the best man for the job, because those Japs are no match for his fresh new take on swing music. Next we're at some weird corner of the island where some of the natives hang out and try and sell stuff to the military guys. Not drugs, though. You'd really think there'd be drugs. But there's just this tiny lady screaming, "Sale today sale!! Two dollar only two dollar basket!! You like send home girlfriend Chicago!!" Get your amusing patois here, folks. I guess this woman is supposed to be Bloody Mary. Until now I didn't realize she was supposed to be old, Asian, and speaking English as a second language, because in our high-school production, the girl in this role had none of these characteristics but did the accent anyway. So here I'd thought Bloody Mary was just a teenager with a speech impediment and some kind of head injury. Wow, it makes more sense now.

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