MONDO EXTRAS

Can't...get...clean!

by Wendola April 1, 2001
South Pacific

Then that night Harry Connick Jr. can't sleep and squirms around all bare-chested and tasty, and finally he takes a boat over to Bali Ha'i for a booty call with Liat. The next morning they have cutesy pidgin pillow talk. Then Harry Connick Jr. takes out his grandfather's pocket watch, which his father carried all through the last war, and gives it to Liat, because he's going on this dangerous mission and there's a very good chance that he'll become a Japanese P.O.W. And if that happens, he doesn't want to have to keep the pocket watch up his ass.

Then Bloody Mary comes in and tries to talk Harry Connick Jr. into marrying Liat. First Harry says he can't bring Liat back to the states, so then Bloody tells them he can stay on Bali Ha'i. "You have good life here. You make love all day long!" Finally he says, "I can't! I can't marry Liat!" "Then you damn fool!" screams Bloody Mary, and she grabs the pocket watch from Liat and throws it on the floor. Well, worse things could happen to that watch.

Cut to guests leaving the party at de Becque's, which has some very classy touches such as lighted torches and floating candles, as if someone consulted Martha Stewart's Party Ideas For Rich Colonial Scoundrels. Glenn Close is wearing a dress, for once, and after everyone leaves she drinks champagne with de Becque and babbles about how much they have in common, what with their passion for life and blah blah. "I have sometheeng I have to tell you," says de Becque. "Sometheeng I should have told you before." He has his servant bring in the Darling Little Dusky Bastards, who chatter in French and act all cute. "They're adorable!" says Glenn Close. "Those big black eyes…whose are they?" "Zey are mine," says de Becque. Glenn Close thinks he's kidding. Then she realizes he's not. "And their mother was…colored?" Yes, says de Becque. Glenn Close pastes a big fake smile on her face and says it's just a shock, that's all. "It's their color that upsets you, isn't it?" says de Becque. Glenn's all like, "No, it's not! What time is it? Oops, gotta go." Then de Becque goes, "Wait! I love you!" and Glenn Close is like, "I love you too! Honestly I do! Just don't kiss me!" And she runs the hell out and takes off in her Jeep.

Meanwhile, Harry Connick Jr. gets drunk at the Navy Club and staggers out. A Jeep with three sailors drives up, and they mutter among themselves that he must be "out scoring a little Tonk egg roll." Harry hears one of the guys say "four dollar, four dollar," and so he's like, "You got something to say to me," so the Navy guy gets out of the jeep and punches Harry Connick Jr. a bunch of times and then kicks him hard in the ribs, and then they drive off.

So then he's in the infirmary with a bandage and stuff, and the Captain says the mission's off and he can go back to his unit, and they're still building the airstrip and so on. And then Glenn Close comes in and sees Harry Connick Jr. looking all sad and she asks him what's wrong. "Is it about your girl?" "My girl is Tonkinese," says Harry, and he talks about how his parents would freak out, and Glenn doesn't look so thrilled herself, but anyway, it's over. "Maybe that's better, because they say it never works," says Glenn. "Yeah, that's what they say," says Harry Connick Jr., "whoever 'they' are, and then they do their best to prove it…what's the matter with me? I love her, and I can't marry her." "It's not your fault," says Glenn Close. "It's something we're born with." She gets really upset and runs out. "It's not born in us!" yells Harry. Then he sings "You've Got To Be Carefully Taught (The Racism Sucks Song)."

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Can't...get...clean!

by Wendola April 1, 2001
South Pacific He rides off, and then the nurses start snickering at her, because of course Glenn Close's shirt isn't even dry from the whole washing-that-man-right-outta-her-hair thingy. So she goes up to the nurses and tells them that she's as corny as Kansas as August and as normal as blueberry pie. And everyone's like "huh?" Except they aren't, because it's a song. Glenn Close informs everyone that she's bromidic and bright as a moon-happy night pouring light on the dew, and that she's in love, she's in love, she's in love, she's in love, she's in love with a wonderful guy. She's what? Oh, she's in love, I think. Back to this plot stuff: they're still building the airstrip; the captain and Commander Guy and Harry Connick Jr. bring in de Becque and ask him to come on the radio mission with Harry. He says no, because he's so totally into Glenn Close. Harry Connick Jr. gets pissed. Then that night Harry Connick Jr. can't sleep and squirms around all bare-chested and tasty, and finally he takes a boat over to Bali Ha'i for a booty call with Liat. The next morning they have cutesy pidgin pillow talk. Then Harry Connick Jr. takes out his grandfather's pocket watch, which his father carried all through the last war, and gives it to Liat, because he's going on this dangerous mission and there's a very good chance that he'll become a Japanese P.O.W. And if that happens, he doesn't want to have to keep the pocket watch up his ass. Then Bloody Mary comes in and tries to talk Harry Connick Jr. into marrying Liat. First Harry says he can't bring Liat back to the states, so then Bloody tells them he can stay on Bali Ha'i. "You have good life here. You make love all day long!" Finally he says, "I can't! I can't marry Liat!" "Then you damn fool!" screams Bloody Mary, and she grabs the pocket watch from Liat and throws it on the floor. Well, worse things could happen to that watch. Cut to guests leaving the party at de Becque's, which has some very classy touches such as lighted torches and floating candles, as if someone consulted Martha Stewart's Party Ideas For Rich Colonial Scoundrels. Glenn Close is wearing a dress, for once, and after everyone leaves she drinks champagne with de Becque and babbles about how much they have in common, what with their passion for life and blah blah. "I have sometheeng I have to tell you," says de Becque. "Sometheeng I should have told you before." He has his servant bring in the Darling Little Dusky Bastards, who chatter in French and act all cute. "They're adorable!" says Glenn Close. "Those big black eyes…whose are they?" "Zey are mine," says de Becque. Glenn Close thinks he's kidding. Then she realizes he's not. "And their mother was…colored?" Yes, says de Becque. Glenn Close pastes a big fake smile on her face and says it's just a shock, that's all. "It's their color that upsets you, isn't it?" says de Becque. Glenn's all like, "No, it's not! What time is it? Oops, gotta go." Then de Becque goes, "Wait! I love you!" and Glenn Close is like, "I love you too! Honestly I do! Just don't kiss me!" And she runs the hell out and takes off in her Jeep.

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