MONDO EXTRAS

Can't...get...clean!

by Wendola April 1, 2001
South Pacific

Then the U.S. bombers show up to use the airstrip. Then mangled, bloody soliders start coming in to the hospital. What, no singing?

De Becque and Harry Connick Jr. are setting up the radio again. Harry Connick Jr. tells de Becque that, if they get out alive, he's going to stay in the South Pacific with Liat, if she'll have him. They radio base to tell everyone that the Japanese are pulling out and that this is their big chance to attack. Meanwhile, a troop of Japanese soldiers are making their way up the hill they're on. The Japanese soldiers are talking, and, according to the closed captions, they're "[speaking Japanese]." That's good to know.

Back at base, they've lost contact with de Becque and Harry Connick Jr., because, obviously, de Becque and Harry have ditched the radio to get the hell away from the Japanese. The captain is still squawking, "De Becque? Are you there?" over the radio by the time the Japs come across it. And then everyone at base freaks out when they hear Japanese voices. And then the Japanese shoot the radio, which is a nice touch, too. The pilot guy, Adams, suddenly jumps up and decides to go try and save de Becque and Harry Connick Jr. So he takes off in his plane, and Glenn Close runs out to see it take off, and she whispers, "Don't die, Emile, don't die," and then for added effect Bloody Mary comes up with Liat looking for Harry Connick Jr., and soon it's a big old festival of hand-wringing. And still, no singing.

Then there's a commercial for the CD soundtrack to this version of South Pacific, which apparently includes a "Bonus Track!" I wonder what song it could be? Maybe it's the rousing "What Say We Sexually Harass Them Nurse Broads?" or the snappy "Morphine! Please!" or else it's the commander's solo, "Captain Beckett, You've Got A Great Ass."

Okay, so back to the movie -- this Adams guy is flying the plane, and discovers that Luther Billis is in the cargo hold for some reason. And by some miracle suddenly they see Harry Connick Jr. and de Becque, and the plane lands on the water. Then Harry Connick Jr. runs out on the beach, but suddenly there's machine-gun fire because there's a foxhole of Japanese soldiers nearby, and, oh yeah, once again they're speaking Japanese. So then Billis gets out of the plane and dances around and pretends to surrender, and he throws a flare or something on the beach which puts out a bunch of smoke and distracts the Japanese. Then Harry Connick Jr. tells de Becque to run to the plane and he'll cover him, and de Becque makes it to the plane, and then Harry Connick Jr. gets up and starts running and running and God he's a handsome man, but then he steps on a land mine and blows up. Damn.

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Can't...get...clean!

by Wendola April 1, 2001
South Pacific So then de Becque walks out all sad, and he sees Harry Connick Jr. sitting around all sad because he screwed up the mission stuff and has to leave. And then de Becque talks about how he screwed up too, and then they both decide to go on the mission thing after all. Glenn Close is telling the Head Nurse Lady she wants to transfer to another island and is sniveling some more. "I can't help it!" The Head Nurse says they can talk about it in the morning and leaves. Then Glenn Close picks up a newspaper clipping from home with an article about her calling her "Our Heroine." She crumples it up, and then uncrumples it and reads it and then says, "Oh, God, what a fool I've been!" So then she books on over to the plantation to see de Becque, but he's gone, and she hugs the Darling Little Dusky Children like the stinky hypocrite she is. Next, Harry Connick Jr. and de Becque are on one of the islands close to Japanese territory. De Becque gets to use his Frenchy accent on the radio to talk all spy-like: "Zere are many Zhapanese een zees area. We weel constantly have to zhange our poseetion." Everyone at base listens in carefully. Then the Japs pick up the radio signal so Harry and de Becque have to run through the jungle, and then they come across a crude sign reading "American yu die" and a row of heads on stakes. The heads sure look like they're made out of head. Then the U.S. bombers show up to use the airstrip. Then mangled, bloody soliders start coming in to the hospital. What, no singing? De Becque and Harry Connick Jr. are setting up the radio again. Harry Connick Jr. tells de Becque that, if they get out alive, he's going to stay in the South Pacific with Liat, if she'll have him. They radio base to tell everyone that the Japanese are pulling out and that this is their big chance to attack. Meanwhile, a troop of Japanese soldiers are making their way up the hill they're on. The Japanese soldiers are talking, and, according to the closed captions, they're "[speaking Japanese]." That's good to know. Back at base, they've lost contact with de Becque and Harry Connick Jr., because, obviously, de Becque and Harry have ditched the radio to get the hell away from the Japanese. The captain is still squawking, "De Becque? Are you there?" over the radio by the time the Japs come across it. And then everyone at base freaks out when they hear Japanese voices. And then the Japanese shoot the radio, which is a nice touch, too. The pilot guy, Adams, suddenly jumps up and decides to go try and save de Becque and Harry Connick Jr. So he takes off in his plane, and Glenn Close runs out to see it take off, and she whispers, "Don't die, Emile, don't die," and then for added effect Bloody Mary comes up with Liat looking for Harry Connick Jr., and soon it's a big old festival of hand-wringing. And still, no singing.

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