MONDO EXTRAS

When Sharks Occasionally Attack

by Sara M April 2, 2005
Spring Break Shark Attack

Welcome to my recap of Spring Break Shark Attack. I shall do my very best not to make any jokes about jumping the shark, because that's just too easy.

We open on four women, sitting in the middle of an ocean on a small inner tube. They talk about how SPRING BREAK is coming up and the water will soon be filled with drunk college kids. One of the women, who just happens to be a dead ringer for Felicity Huffman by total coincidence, I'm sure, says she's glad her husband Tom -- I mean, "Matt," is taking care of the twins -- I mean, "triplets." She adds that "Alice would have loved this," and the other three sigh sadly. Then one of them, who I'll call Leva Ongoria for no reason, tells everyone to cheer up because they've "been desperate for" a getaway like this, and I guess the writer was so desperate to squeeze that line in that he didn't care how odd and clunky it was. And then we go to an underwater shot of Heri Tatcher (it should be noted that the casting department kind of gave up after getting Helicity Fuffman and Leva Ongoria, as Heri Tatcher and Cimberly Kross both look like Nia Vardalos, as opposed to the two actresses they're supposed to be), kicking her legs out as she floats along the side of the raft. The camera gets closer and closer until we go back above water, where Heri is startled to find herself suddenly dragged underwater. Her friends are alarmed, and become even more so when a big red puddle bubbles up where Heri used to be. Their stupid panicking tips their tiny-ass boat over, and they all go flying into the water, along with their seventeen-course meal, like if you're going to put all that food and glassware on such an unsteady craft and then drift a mile out to see in it, you kind of deserve to get eaten by sharks. Seagulls (apparently the universal symbol for Scene of Recent Shark Attack) fly around the upturned raft as the title pops up on the screen: "Spring Break" (in some stately-looking serif font) "Shark Attack" (in an angry version of Comic Sans font). I don't know how they were able to resist putting shark bites in the curves of the "s," but they did. Also, even though this movie totally sucks and doesn't deserve it, I had to give it an A+ just for that opening scene. I want to see more TV shows have cast member look-alikes from competing shows get eaten by sharks.

All good things come to an end, so we leave the awesomeness and join the crapfest, already in progress. A blonde girl talks to one Lindsay "Called 'Danielle' In This Movie, Not Like That Matters To Me" Gardner on the phone. The blonde, named Karen, is in Florida with another girl, who looks like she might be older than those four women who totally weren't supposed to be the Desperate Housewives. But anyway, Karen and the other girl, who we find out is named "Alicia," are trying to convince Lindsay to join them at Karen's aunt's huge-ass Florida beach house for SPRING BREAK, where Karen promises there will be "hundreds of gorgeous men." If by "gorgeous men," she means "beer-bellied frat boys," then I'd say Karen's estimate is rather conservative. If, however, Karen actually does mean "gorgeous men," then it's probably more than generous. Karen says there is also the added bonus that they'll all be able to see each other again for the first time since Karen and Alicia went away to college, which I would estimate to be about twenty years ago. Karen says they can also find out if Alicia's man is "creeping" on her. Wow, the writer had to reach fairly far back in the TLC discography for that. Alicia says she ain't too proud to beg, but she don't want no scrubs, so she's trying to find out if the rumors she heard about her boyfriend were true. Yes, SPRING BREAK is always a great place to resolve relationship problems. Lindsay says she'll ask her dad if she can go to Florida, but she doesn't think he'll say yes. After she hangs up on them, Karen and Alicia agree that there's no way Lindsay will be joining them. They're not all that broken up about it.

Lindsay has breakfast with her parents. She brings up Karen's aunt's beach house, and her father immediately says she can't go. Because exposition is a part of a balanced breakfast, we learn that while Lindsay's friends got to go away to college, she's stuck living at home and commuting to school because her dad is ridiculously overprotective. Lindsay's mom speaks up to add that Lindsay already has plans to do Habitat For Humanity during SPRING BREAK (loser!), to which Lindsay says she can just do that over the summer, and Habitat For Humanity will understand Lindsay ditching them at the last minute because it's SPRING BREAK. But will the underprivileged families whose new homes are sub par because a valuable member of the Habitat team wasn't there understand, Lindsay? WILL THEY? Lindsay adds that her brother will be nearby in Florida, as, by an amazing coincidence, he's a student in the area. Dad says it's not that he doesn't trust Lindsay on her own -- he doesn't trust those frat boys. "They're sharks!" he anvils. He says men can't help going after women -- it's in their shark-like nature. As the Music of Painful Family History Brought Up Over Hash Browns plays, Lindsay makes a passing reference to a woman her father apparently cheated on her mother with. Mother looks sad. So…are we supposed to like this whiny, over-privileged, helpless girl who tortures her mother by bringing up her father's indiscretions every chance she gets?

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When Sharks Occasionally Attack

by Sara M April 2, 2005
Spring Break Shark Attack

Welcome to my recap of Spring Break Shark Attack. I shall do my very best not to make any jokes about jumping the shark, because that's just too easy.

We open on four women, sitting in the middle of an ocean on a small inner tube. They talk about how SPRING BREAK is coming up and the water will soon be filled with drunk college kids. One of the women, who just happens to be a dead ringer for Felicity Huffman by total coincidence, I'm sure, says she's glad her husband Tom -- I mean, "Matt," is taking care of the twins -- I mean, "triplets." She adds that "Alice would have loved this," and the other three sigh sadly. Then one of them, who I'll call Leva Ongoria for no reason, tells everyone to cheer up because they've "been desperate for" a getaway like this, and I guess the writer was so desperate to squeeze that line in that he didn't care how odd and clunky it was. And then we go to an underwater shot of Heri Tatcher (it should be noted that the casting department kind of gave up after getting Helicity Fuffman and Leva Ongoria, as Heri Tatcher and Cimberly Kross both look like Nia Vardalos, as opposed to the two actresses they're supposed to be), kicking her legs out as she floats along the side of the raft. The camera gets closer and closer until we go back above water, where Heri is startled to find herself suddenly dragged underwater. Her friends are alarmed, and become even more so when a big red puddle bubbles up where Heri used to be. Their stupid panicking tips their tiny-ass boat over, and they all go flying into the water, along with their seventeen-course meal, like if you're going to put all that food and glassware on such an unsteady craft and then drift a mile out to see in it, you kind of deserve to get eaten by sharks. Seagulls (apparently the universal symbol for Scene of Recent Shark Attack) fly around the upturned raft as the title pops up on the screen: "Spring Break" (in some stately-looking serif font) "Shark Attack" (in an angry version of Comic Sans font). I don't know how they were able to resist putting shark bites in the curves of the "s," but they did. Also, even though this movie totally sucks and doesn't deserve it, I had to give it an A+ just for that opening scene. I want to see more TV shows have cast member look-alikes from competing shows get eaten by sharks.

All good things come to an end, so we leave the awesomeness and join the crapfest, already in progress. A blonde girl talks to one Lindsay "Called 'Danielle' In This Movie, Not Like That Matters To Me" Gardner on the phone. The blonde, named Karen, is in Florida with another girl, who looks like she might be older than those four women who totally weren't supposed to be the Desperate Housewives. But anyway, Karen and the other girl, who we find out is named "Alicia," are trying to convince Lindsay to join them at Karen's aunt's huge-ass Florida beach house for SPRING BREAK, where Karen promises there will be "hundreds of gorgeous men." If by "gorgeous men," she means "beer-bellied frat boys," then I'd say Karen's estimate is rather conservative. If, however, Karen actually does mean "gorgeous men," then it's probably more than generous. Karen says there is also the added bonus that they'll all be able to see each other again for the first time since Karen and Alicia went away to college, which I would estimate to be about twenty years ago. Karen says they can also find out if Alicia's man is "creeping" on her. Wow, the writer had to reach fairly far back in the TLC discography for that. Alicia says she ain't too proud to beg, but she don't want no scrubs, so she's trying to find out if the rumors she heard about her boyfriend were true. Yes, SPRING BREAK is always a great place to resolve relationship problems. Lindsay says she'll ask her dad if she can go to Florida, but she doesn't think he'll say yes. After she hangs up on them, Karen and Alicia agree that there's no way Lindsay will be joining them. They're not all that broken up about it.

Lindsay has breakfast with her parents. She brings up Karen's aunt's beach house, and her father immediately says she can't go. Because exposition is a part of a balanced breakfast, we learn that while Lindsay's friends got to go away to college, she's stuck living at home and commuting to school because her dad is ridiculously overprotective. Lindsay's mom speaks up to add that Lindsay already has plans to do Habitat For Humanity during SPRING BREAK (loser!), to which Lindsay says she can just do that over the summer, and Habitat For Humanity will understand Lindsay ditching them at the last minute because it's SPRING BREAK. But will the underprivileged families whose new homes are sub par because a valuable member of the Habitat team wasn't there understand, Lindsay? WILL THEY? Lindsay adds that her brother will be nearby in Florida, as, by an amazing coincidence, he's a student in the area. Dad says it's not that he doesn't trust Lindsay on her own -- he doesn't trust those frat boys. "They're sharks!" he anvils. He says men can't help going after women -- it's in their shark-like nature. As the Music of Painful Family History Brought Up Over Hash Browns plays, Lindsay makes a passing reference to a woman her father apparently cheated on her mother with. Mother looks sad. So…are we supposed to like this whiny, over-privileged, helpless girl who tortures her mother by bringing up her father's indiscretions every chance she gets?

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Get the most of your experience.
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See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

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