MONDO EXTRAS

When Sharks Occasionally Attack

by Sara M April 2, 2005
Spring Break Shark Attack

Shane broods and eats apples on the boat. He looks into the water and sees a giant pool of blood under the boat. Amazingly, no one saw this before, even though the pool is very dark and very big. Shane tells everyone to get back in the boat right away. We see Lindsay swimming away from the crowd and the boat, because she's stupid. Everyone protests that they're having a good time and don't want to leave the water, even though the ocean is RED, but they swim in. Lindsay is still way out there, swimming back in as slowly and wimpily as she can. JT and the friends ask Shane if he ran over a walrus or something for there to be all this blood in the water all of the sudden. Shane says he has no clue where the blood came from, which is very convenient for the writers. We cut back to Lindsay, doing her helpless doggy-paddle back to the boat. Suddenly, there are two sharks like five feet away from her. Shane screams at Lindsay that there are sharks headed for her, and we cut to a commercial. I know it would be breaking all the rules of good storytelling and I yell at 7th Heaven for doing stuff like this all the time, but in this case, I would not mind at all if by the time we got back from the commercial break, Lindsay had already been eaten and her funeral had been held and we spent the rest of the movie with a different set of characters who weren't so pathetic.

Sadly, this does not happen. Lindsay stops swimming to stare at the approaching shark fins, and JT yells at her that she might want to consider swimming towards the boat. She tries this, and everyone yells at her to swim faster, which she does not, because Lindsay sucks at everything. I've never been a very strong swimmer, but if there were two sharks headed for me, I guarantee you I could beat world swimming records getting back on that boat. Shane realizes that Lindsay will never make it back to the boat in time, so he yells at her to stop moving and throws a life preserver at her. He tells her to grab it and not move a muscle. As sharks circle her, Shane National Geographics that sharks detect movement, so if Lindsay stands still, they won't know she's there. Except that Lindsay is thrashing around and turning her head wildly to watch the sharks swim by her, plus the water is filled with blood, so I'm not sure if Shane has the best idea here. Thus, I consulted The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook, which I keep with me at all times, just in case I ever happen to find myself in an avalanche or being shot at. It says that Lindsay should attack the shark at its most vulnerable areas, those being the eyes and gills. It also says that if a shark is showing itself to you, it's probably more curious than it is predatory. Shark attacks not preceded by a shark fin cutting across the water, however, do not make for good action movies. Lindsay cries and whines as the sharks swim around her, but then Shane talks to her to calm her down. Eventually, the sharks leave, and everyone screams at Lindsay to swim to the boat. Since they only let the sharks go about ten feet away from Lindsay before doing this, she's almost eaten on her way back, but she manages to make it back on the boat. Damn damn damn! Do better next time, sharks!

Shannon Lucio does her best to cry and act scared, and then the boat gets bumped hard. JT says, "Dude, the boat's flooding," and Shane tells everyone to start bailing out the boat. The girls grab empty coffee cans and get to work, while Shane tries to start up the boat. Of course, it won't start. If only Shane had the money for engineering college, his boats might not be so shoddily constructed! JT makes the wise decision to get on the radio and call for help, and JT is kind of the best character in this movie even though he's a failed rapist and he has that lame shark tooth necklace. Shane tries to fix the motors in the back, which causes smoke to come out of them. Yeah, Shane may want to consider a different career goal. I'm pretty sure the only reason Kathy Baker keeps him employed is because he's her son. Shane calls for Lindsay, so they can have a Speed moment where the all-knowing hero orders the panicking, yet strong, female to do something that will save them both. Lindsay runs to the toolbox to retrieve a tool for Shane as the sharks bump the boat again, as if any self-respecting shark would ram into a boat more than once. The handheld camera jerks around wildly with the intent of creating dramatic effect, but actually just making me feel sick. Stop moving! Shane is finally able to hotwire the boat. He's all excited about getting the boat to run, which is funny when you then see it puttering along slower than I could probably go with a rowboat that was missing an oar. Shane says they won't be able to make it back to the mainland for whatever reason, so they'll have to land on a nearby deserted island. Well, of course.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21Next

Comments

When Sharks Occasionally Attack

by Sara M April 2, 2005
Spring Break Shark Attack

Shane broods and eats apples on the boat. He looks into the water and sees a giant pool of blood under the boat. Amazingly, no one saw this before, even though the pool is very dark and very big. Shane tells everyone to get back in the boat right away. We see Lindsay swimming away from the crowd and the boat, because she's stupid. Everyone protests that they're having a good time and don't want to leave the water, even though the ocean is RED, but they swim in. Lindsay is still way out there, swimming back in as slowly and wimpily as she can. JT and the friends ask Shane if he ran over a walrus or something for there to be all this blood in the water all of the sudden. Shane says he has no clue where the blood came from, which is very convenient for the writers. We cut back to Lindsay, doing her helpless doggy-paddle back to the boat. Suddenly, there are two sharks like five feet away from her. Shane screams at Lindsay that there are sharks headed for her, and we cut to a commercial. I know it would be breaking all the rules of good storytelling and I yell at 7th Heaven for doing stuff like this all the time, but in this case, I would not mind at all if by the time we got back from the commercial break, Lindsay had already been eaten and her funeral had been held and we spent the rest of the movie with a different set of characters who weren't so pathetic.

Sadly, this does not happen. Lindsay stops swimming to stare at the approaching shark fins, and JT yells at her that she might want to consider swimming towards the boat. She tries this, and everyone yells at her to swim faster, which she does not, because Lindsay sucks at everything. I've never been a very strong swimmer, but if there were two sharks headed for me, I guarantee you I could beat world swimming records getting back on that boat. Shane realizes that Lindsay will never make it back to the boat in time, so he yells at her to stop moving and throws a life preserver at her. He tells her to grab it and not move a muscle. As sharks circle her, Shane National Geographics that sharks detect movement, so if Lindsay stands still, they won't know she's there. Except that Lindsay is thrashing around and turning her head wildly to watch the sharks swim by her, plus the water is filled with blood, so I'm not sure if Shane has the best idea here. Thus, I consulted The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook, which I keep with me at all times, just in case I ever happen to find myself in an avalanche or being shot at. It says that Lindsay should attack the shark at its most vulnerable areas, those being the eyes and gills. It also says that if a shark is showing itself to you, it's probably more curious than it is predatory. Shark attacks not preceded by a shark fin cutting across the water, however, do not make for good action movies. Lindsay cries and whines as the sharks swim around her, but then Shane talks to her to calm her down. Eventually, the sharks leave, and everyone screams at Lindsay to swim to the boat. Since they only let the sharks go about ten feet away from Lindsay before doing this, she's almost eaten on her way back, but she manages to make it back on the boat. Damn damn damn! Do better next time, sharks!

Shannon Lucio does her best to cry and act scared, and then the boat gets bumped hard. JT says, "Dude, the boat's flooding," and Shane tells everyone to start bailing out the boat. The girls grab empty coffee cans and get to work, while Shane tries to start up the boat. Of course, it won't start. If only Shane had the money for engineering college, his boats might not be so shoddily constructed! JT makes the wise decision to get on the radio and call for help, and JT is kind of the best character in this movie even though he's a failed rapist and he has that lame shark tooth necklace. Shane tries to fix the motors in the back, which causes smoke to come out of them. Yeah, Shane may want to consider a different career goal. I'm pretty sure the only reason Kathy Baker keeps him employed is because he's her son. Shane calls for Lindsay, so they can have a Speed moment where the all-knowing hero orders the panicking, yet strong, female to do something that will save them both. Lindsay runs to the toolbox to retrieve a tool for Shane as the sharks bump the boat again, as if any self-respecting shark would ram into a boat more than once. The handheld camera jerks around wildly with the intent of creating dramatic effect, but actually just making me feel sick. Stop moving! Shane is finally able to hotwire the boat. He's all excited about getting the boat to run, which is funny when you then see it puttering along slower than I could probably go with a rowboat that was missing an oar. Shane says they won't be able to make it back to the mainland for whatever reason, so they'll have to land on a nearby deserted island. Well, of course.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21Next

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP